


A Fork Stuck In The Road

by patronsaintofswitchbladefights



Category: Phan, Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: Domestic Phan, M/M, Mpreg, Nemo sex, Phan - Freeform, Smut, occasional smut, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-05-15 17:16:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 46,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5793187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patronsaintofswitchbladefights/pseuds/patronsaintofswitchbladefights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil are at the peak of their careers. They have written a book, went on tour, and successfully managed to keep making videos as usual. At least for now...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashbacks

**Author's Note:**

> I used to write Frerard, let's see how I do at writing Phan.  
> Also, I do realize some of this might sound a lil fucked up. I do not want to offend or disgust anyone, so by all means stop reading if you feel like this isn't your thing.

Dan wasn't your typical man.  
Of course, he had a very unique personality, but there was something much more different about him.

Dan was born with both male and female parts. He had the external organs of a male, and a semi functioning female reproductive system.

Most of his life, he was considered a freak of nature. He didn't like thinking about it.  
For some reason he couldn't come to terms with the fact he had a fucked up anatomy.   
When he was born, the doctors realized he wasn't like all of the other babies in the nursery. As he got older and had to go to get check-ups, they told his mother that his body was growing and functioning notably different than all of the other boys.  
Flashbacks haunted him from his childhood doctor visits.

-  
"Daniel Howell," The receptionist called him to the door. A nurse who appeared to be in her early twenties greeted him and started whispering something to his mother. She nodded and bit her lip nervously.  
The nurse led them to her examination room.   
"Mum where are they taking me?" He tugged at his mother's sleeve as they walked down a seemingly endless hallway. She didn't verbally answer but rather reached down to hold his hand. He assumed she didn't know what was going on either.   
They finally stopped at a room in the back of the clinic. He looked at all of the equipment surrounding the bed in the middle of the room and wondered if that was meant to be used on him.  
"I will be right back, I need to grab a few things before we run the tests." The nurse smiled and closed the door behind her. Dan sat down in the cold metal chair, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. His countenance quickly changed. His mother sat in the chair next to him and took a deep breath.   
"Don't get too worked up over this, Dan." She assured him.  
"What is she going to do to me?" He asked.   
Dan's mum hesitated to answer.  
"You are a special boy, which means you require special treatment."  
Silence filled the room until the click of a door opening was heard.  
The nurse returned holding a clipboard and a stack of papers. She sat down in the rolling chair and let out a deep breath, reading over the papers on the clipboard. She nodded and set down the clipboard.   
"Hello! I'm your nurse, Karina Listor. Feel free to just call me Karina." She smiled brightly at Dan. He started to feel more at ease knowing she wasn't here to torture him.  
"Firstly I will need to give you an x-ray," Karina looked at Dan's mum.  
"Karen, is it okay if you stay behind while we complete these?"  
Dan looked at his mother with a face of reassurance and she nodded.  
Karina stood up and led him to the x-ray room around the corner.  
"Put this on," She handed Dan a heavy apron. He did as he was instructed.  
"Now lie down on this table, and stay as still as possible while I take a few pictures."  
Pictures? Why did she need pictures?  
He cooperated and kept his body still, despite the fact he felt like he would begin shaking soon.   
Karina lowered a large machine and let it hover above his body as she quickly moved behind a desk to look at a monitor. Her eyes widened and she put on glasses. Three clicks were heard, he assumed she was taking pictures.   
She sat there for a second, analyzing the photos she had just taken.   
"Can, uh, can I get up now?" Dan asked.  
Her trance broke.   
"Oh, sure. Let's go back into the other room now." She seemed uneasy.  
They awkwardly walked back into the examination room and Dan sat down on the table.   
Karina started whispering something to his mum again.   
Without a word, she turned on another machine and fiddled with the settings.   
"Okay Daniel, please lift your shirt up." She asked him, trying not to sound like she wanted to see his tits.  
He slowly lifted his shirt, wondering what the hell they were thinking.   
"This will be cold." She said as she squirted gel on his abdomen.   
She grabbed the wand and started moving it around over the gel. Black and white images appeared on the screen next to him.  
Dan's mother sat back and huffed.  
"Well I'll be damned."  
Karina stopped moving the wand and set it back on the table. She quickly scribbled something onto her clipboard before turning off the machine.   
"We're all done here! Good job Dan." Karina smiled, almost as if she hadn't been in complete shock before.  
"What did your tests tell you?" Dan asked quietly.  
His mum's fears were confirmed. There was no denying it now.  
"I hate to do this when you are only twelve, but it is time to give you the talk." Dan's mum said, sighing.

That was the day he found out that anatomically, he was not your average male


	2. Glad to Be Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should add that a ton of credit goes to Kizzymie on Livejournal (or ImNotOkay.net, I can't remember which one) for the plotline. I was inspired to write after reading her Frerard fics a few years ago.  
> Oh, and I guess I could give a warning that there is smut in this chapter? I'll make note of it being ***attempted*** smut as I've never written any before.

Dan and Phil walked into their flat after getting home from the after party.   
Phil walked up the stairs at an average pace while Dan tiredly moped up the stairs.   
They plopped themselves onto the couch, trying not to fall asleep after sitting down. They sat there quietly, both wondering if having to stand up and walk to the bed was worth using the energy.  
"I guess the tour is officially over." Phil said, breaking the silence.  
"Yeah, it was really a hell of a ride." Dan replied.  
"I had fun though. Didn't you, Dannil?" He slurred, still slightly intoxicated.  
Dan turned his head to face Phil.  
"I never said I didn't have fun. All of the sleepless nights full of planning were well worth it."   
"Ah ha."   
Phil looked at the clock.  
2:07 AM  
He looked back at Dan.  
"Shall we shag now or shag later?" Phil said with a smirk.  
"What? You had too many Philcoladas."  
"I think we should properly celebrate. We haven't done anything fun in the bedroom since the tour started."   
Dan thought for a moment. He moved closer to his boyfriend and laid his head on his chest.  
Phil looked down and kissed Dan's forehead. He planted kisses down his face until reaching his mouth, lingering.  
Phil frowned when he did not receive a kiss back. He pulled away and sat there with his arms crossed. He glared at Dan and pouted.   
Dan grinned and giggled as he looked away. Phil embraced the brunet's face and ran his fingers through his hair, lovingly gazing into his eyes.  
He pecked his lips repeatedly.  
Suddenly, Dan parted his lips slightly, deepening the kiss.  
He propped himself up and wrapped his arm around Phil's waist. Phil gingerly slipped his tongue into Dan's mouth.   
He pulled away, pressing his forehead against Dan's.   
"Bedroom?" He didn't need an answer.  
They walked into Phil's bedroom and continued kissing. Dan moved his hands up and down Phil's back, pulling his shirt up and eventually off of his body. Phil followed and began unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his jeans. He pulled Dan's shirt off and ran his fingers through his hair.  
They separated their lips and Dan took his pants off. Phil rolled into bed, making a 'come here' motion with is finger. Dan took off his underwear and flung it across the room as Phil tried making it obvious he was removing his own.  
Dan slipped himself under the covers and Phil climbed on top of him, passionately kissing Dan and creating body heat.  
Phil moved his hands down and squeezed Dan's ass, Dan rolled his hips in return. They assumed position,  
Phil reached into the drawer of his bedside table and grabbed lube, covering his hand in it. He slipped one finger in, making Dan whimper.  
He kept it there for a few seconds just to catch Dan's reaction. Nothing.  
He slipped in a second finger, scissoring his fingers as he teased with a third.  
Dan looked back and stared at his boyfriend. Phil quickly removed his fingers and penetrated Dan with his pork sword.  
Dan groaned with pleasure and threw his head back, becoming the diva in bed that he knew he was.  
Phil went in and out, doing what they liked to call the Nemo effect.  
You go out, then back in. Then you go out, and back in.   
Dan's ass was Phil's anemone.   
"I'm close." Phil muttered, not caring to leave his anemone anytime soon.  
He only heard groans coming from Dan and decided it was fine to release.  
They came almost simultaneously and fell back on the bed.  
-


	3. Planning Ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I logged in to update and this got 134 hits within 24 hours. Thank you ^-^  
> Also, I feel like this was a slightly boring chapter but I promise the others will be more eventful. Especially the next two. (((((spoilers)))))  
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

They had been home for about two weeks, just now getting back into the swing of things. An AmazingPhil video and a gaming video had even been uploaded.  
Being busy was something Dan and Phil enjoyed. (and not just in bed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
After having so much toiling work to do for so long with the book and the tour, it had almost become routine for them to wake up and get things done instead of lay in bed all day. It felt rather odd to not having something to do. Sure, it was relieving to finally have a break, but what was next?   
-  
Dan got up around nine on a bright Saturday morning and walked into the lounge, noticing Phil on the couch. He sat down and opened his laptop, going straight to Twitter. He scrolled through his feed and found nothing interesting. Tumblr was his second choice.  
Repeating the process with Tumblr, YouTube comments, and (even as a last resort) Facebook, he realized he was getting bored. Dan sighed and decided to turn on Spotify and play something on Xbox.

Phil stood up with the intent of walking to the kitchen, but fell back on the couch. Dan glared at him.  
"Clumsy ass." Dan remarked, laughing silently.  
Phil rolled his eyes and got up off of the couch, this time being successful. He walked to the kitchen and scanned the fridge for anything interesting.  
Orange juice, sodas, two apples, leftover chicken from dinner the night before, and a half empty bottle of Ribena.  
Phil tapped his fingers on the refrigerator door to the rhythm of some song he overheard playing outside. He closed the fridge and looked for snacks in a cabinet.   
To no avail, he just decided to go back into the living room and watch TV.  
Dan was already into a deep session of Skyrim when Phil walked through the door.  
"Can I watch TV?" Phil asked, ignoring everything already on the television.  
"Are you fucking blind? I'm in the middle of something. Go watch it in the bedroom." Dan answered.  
Phil exhaled deeply, still standing there.   
Dan continued playing, oblivious to astandingPhil right beside him.  
Phil carelessly flopped onto the couch and looked at Dan with no expression.  
The game paused.  
"What? Is it really that hard to walk across a hallway?" Dan asked sarcastically.  
"No."  
"Then what the hell are you doing?" Dan set the controller on the table and crossed his arms as he leaned into the couch.  
"I'm bored. I already ate breakfast, checked emails, tidied the office, and paid the electric bill." Phil replied sounding annoyed.  
Dan paid attention to the fact he had done nothing constructive since he'd been up. Phil was doing things around the house and all he did this morning was play video games. Although, he didn't want to admit he was being lazy.  
"I'm bored too. What should we do?"   
"I don't know, film a video or something? Honestly I kind of feel like going to Tesco so we can get more food to put in the fridge." Phil said.  
Dan nodded his head. He didn't feel like changing clothes and going out, but he felt a little guilty for just laying there.   
Phil got up wordlessly and went to change. Dan started thinking about what he could do to prevent boredom like this from happening every day. He followed Phil into the bedroom.  
"I was thinking about what could cure our boredom and stop it from being like this every day off that we get, and I think I have an idea." Dan began, almost hesitant.  
"Alright, what's up?" Phil said, pulling a red shirt over his head.  
"I was wondering if now would be a good time to start planning the US tour? Just a thought."   
Phil stared at him for a second.  
"I mean, we definitely could. I was actually kind of thinking-" He was interrupted by Dan.  
"Like it's not something that I'm one hundred percent ready to go on like in a month or whatever, but I guess it would be smarter to plan ahead, y'know?" Dan added.  
Phil decided not to mention what he was thinking.  
"Yeah, I've been wondering about the US since we started the first tour. I could call our tour agent to help us start booking venues and stuff." Phil offered.  
Nearly feeling relieved, Dan went into his room to change.  
-  
Phil scrolled through the contacts on his phone and sighed. He didn't feel like going on tour again, but maybe his feelings would change after they got started planning. It felt like there was something missing in his life, he just couldn't put his finger on it.  
He finally reached his agent's number and pressed the phone icon. It rung a few times before he heard a familiar voice answer the phone.  
"Hello there, Phil!"  
"Tina, you doing alright?"   
"I'm doing great, thank you for asking." Tina said enthusiastically.  
Phil began to explain Dan's idea.

Dan went through three different outfits and settled on the black jumper he had been wearing for the past five months, paired with some day old jeans. As he left the room he passed by Phil, catching an "okay- thanks- goodbye" followed by Phil walking towards him.  
"Anything?" Dan asked.  
"She said we could meet her at a restaurant and we could discuss things more in depth over dinner."  
"Okay, good. When will we be meeting her and where?" Dan asked impatiently.  
"She's free at the beginning of next month, and we're probably going to go to that Chinese restaurant we met at last time." Phil said.  
Dan undoubtedly felt relieved now. He knew he wouldn't be wasting time.

Phil felt the opposite. He wanted to waste time thinking about what could fill the void in his life, even if it meant he didn't do anything considered fun. The more he thought about it, the more it bugged him.  
He grabbed his wallet and put it in his pocket before calling Dan to go with him to Tesco.   
Dan quickly followed behind him, now feeling excited.  
Phil wasn't.


	4. The Meeting

Tuesday, December 8th, 2015. 5:58 PM

"Dan, get ready! We have to meet Tina at 6:30." Phil yelled to Dan upstairs.  
"Coming!" Dan replied.  
He hurried downstairs and walked to his room to get changed. He put on his moth shirt and black jeans. After reviewing himself in the mirror, he grabbed a can of hairspray and gave his hair some volume.  
"Covergirl" Dan sprayed his hair and fluffed it. "Because you're worth it" He finished. 

Phil threw on a button down shirt and some professional looking shoes. He rushed into the lounge to grab his Pokemon filing folders he had gotten from Japan that were filled with paperwork and half unfinished forums. He flipped through the pages, making sure he had everything there. Phil grabbed his phone and sat down, texting Tina to confirm that they would meet her there at 6:30 as he promised.

Dan slowly walked into the lounge and sat at the table, putting his head down. Phil looked up from his phone.  
"What's wrong?" Phil asked.  
"I'm tired." Dan said, not lifting his head.  
Phil huffed. "You slept for like nine hours last night."   
Dan sat up and stared at the table, furrowing his brows in confusion.   
Phil moved his eyes back down to his phone, checking the time.   
"Are you ready?" Phil asked.  
Dan let out a deep breath.   
"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess."   
They headed out the door.  
-  
They walked into the tube as people trailed behind them. Phil found a seat in the corner of the train.  
"Want to sit down? You look terrible." Phil offered.  
"Thanks." Dan said with a sarcastic tone as he sat down.  
Phil watched as a man stood up to go meet someone and took his seat. He observed as people poured through the doors. Dan yawned.  
"Are you still tired after walking down here in the cold ass weather?" Phil asked, surprised.  
Dan shrugged.   
"I didn't drink any coffee this morning, I'm probably going through withdrawals."  
Phil widened his eyes and replied with a short 'huh'.  
"What? I just didn't want any. I haven't felt the best in a few days." Dan explained.  
"You probably got sneezed on by a peasant." Phil mocked him jokingly.  
Dan rolled his eyes and nudged Phil with his elbow.  
-  
They walked into the restaurant and Phil looked around the corner to see Tina sitting at a table. He walked to the table and greeted her, setting down all of his folders.  
As soon as Dan walked through the door a wave of nausea hit him. He stopped walking and leaned against the wall to support himself, putting a hand against his forehead.   
Phil didn't notice Dan's absence since he is always right behind him- or hell, even in front of him.  
Dan tried not to make a big deal but had to swallow his spit and recollect himself before walking to the table. He sat down next to Phil.  
"Hey Dan! Phil said you weren't feeling well?" Tina said, putting her hand out.  
Dan shook her hand and tapped Phil's foot with his own in a 'why did you tell her that, it's not important' way.  
"I'm fine, I'm a little tired is all." Dan reassured her, not mentioning his urge to vomit.  
"Okay, just tell me if you need some Aspirin. I always keep some in my purse." Tina smiled and patted her designer bag sitting in the chair beside her.  
Dan nodded and grinned.  
"So what should we go over first? I brought a list of places we were planning to visit and the estimates for plane tickets, all that jazz." Phil asked.  
"I think we should discuss where you were planning to visit first so we can get a general idea of how long the tour will last. I brought a list of venues that have current availabilities." Tina replied.  
Dan sat silently and listened, feeling a little better. A waitress walked up to the table.  
"Hello, my name is Mabel and I'll be your server tonight." Mabel handed them each a menu.  
Can I start you all of with some drinks?" The waitress took out a notepad and a pen.  
"I'll have a Diet Coke." Tina said.  
"I'll have a regular Coke." Phil added.  
"I also want a-" Dan paused when a waiter passed by with a plate of food in his hand. The nausea hit him again, causing him to lose his appetite. He didn't want to make a scene (or frankly, prove that Phil was right when he said Dan was sick) and picked up a menu, looking through the drink section to buy him some time.  
He swallowed hard, feeling like it was getting hot.  
"I'll have a ginger ale." Dan finally answered.  
Phil could tell Dan wasn't feeling any better when he ordered that.  
The waitress scribbled on her notepad and scurried to the kitchen. Dan watched her walk away, hoping she would soon return with some cold ginger ale to settle his stomach.   
"So where were we?" Phil asked Tina, shuffling papers.  
-  
Dan didn't say much. He felt progressively worse as the night went on. He ordered wonton soup as an appetizer and sipped on that for the majority of dinner, afraid that if he ate too much he would throw it up later. He spent most of the time moving his fork to the left, to the right, to the left, to the right.  
When Phil and Tina were about to wrap things up, Dan excused himself to the restroom.  
He stood up and walked through a crowd of people to the bathroom, thanking God that he didn't fall into someone. Dan walked into the men's room, noticing it was massive. He walked into a stall, knowing that a urinal would end up in a sprinkler fight if someone stood next to him.  
He unzipped his jeans and froze as someone entered the room.  
"Dan are you okay?" He heard Phil's voice, sounding concerned.  
"I'm fine." Dan said. Suddenly another wave of nausea hit him, this time he allowed it to come up.  
Wreching noises echoed throughout the room. He emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet and put his hand on the wall to support himself.   
He spit and flushed, walking out of the stall in search of a paper towel.  
"I take it you're not fine." Phil said, cocking his eyebrow.  
"I must have caught bloody swine aids off of the tube." Dan said, wiping his mouth.  
Phil's face softened and he began to rub Dan's back.  
"What are you doing in here anyway? I thought you were finishing up with Tina." Dan asked.  
"Tina left. Plus, you were practically silent the entire time. I could tell you felt like shit when you ordered ginger ale. I just wanted to come and check on you to make sure you hadn't come in here to die." Phil added, putting emphasis on the last word.  
Dan put a hand to his stomach and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes.   
"I just want to go home." He said quietly.  
Phil kissed his temple and walked out of the restaurant.

When they got home, Dan immediately walked into the bathroom and ran a bath. He washed his face and brushed his teeth while the water ran.  
Phil set the folders on the table where they previously were and roamed into the kitchen where he found some crackers and a bottle of water. He walked down to the bathroom where Dan was sitting in the bathtub, resting his head in his hands.  
Phil tried not to make himself apparent and quietly set the water bottle down. Dan looked up with his eyes half closed.  
"Hey." Dan said weakly.  
"I brought some crackers and water." Phil said, setting the crackers on the counter.  
"I can't eat anything." Dan said, putting his head back in his hands.  
"Yes you can. All you ate today was a few Doritos and wonton soup, which you threw up."   
"I will vomit if I eat anything."  
"Why will you vomit if you eat? Please don't tell me you have an eating disorder." Phil started jumping to conclusions.  
"Phil, I don't have an eating disorder. I'm just ill. I probably caught a stomach bug or something." Dan wet his hair and put shampoo in his hand.  
"It will go away in a few days." He added.  
Phil walked out of the room, thinking deeper than usual.  
He wondered if the sense of something missing was actually just a hunch.


	5. Morning Sickness and Mourning Christmas

Phil was sleeping peacefully as he had been for the past few hours. Dan had gotten up a few times to pee, but besides that had went back to sleep easily.  
The past three days had been up and down. Dan kept getting sick. He assumed it was the flu, and dreaded going to doctors or hospitals in fear of having to explain his anatomy. Phil didn't even know about his female parts. He just told him that he didn't want to go to the doctor because he refused to "sit in a germ infested room for an hour" and that going was a bad idea.  
Phil begged to differ; He knew that Dan brushed things off too easily. He was paranoid that he could have caught ebola or something, or maybe he did have the flu and needed to be cured before Christmas. "Laying in bed with a fever is no way to spend the holidays." was what Phil said himself, although Dan had no fever or bodily aches of the flu. 

Phil knew the void in his life that was there to pester the Lester needed to be filled with something. Maybe the tour wasn't it? They had spent every day planning since the day they met up with Tina.  
Dan's symptoms had also worsened since then.  
-  
December 11, 2015. 3:27 AM

Phil groggily opened his eyes and turned over expecting to see Dan lying on his side with the covers pulled up to his chin. Instead, he saw an empty side of the bed.  
"Maybe Dan's gone to the bathroom again." Phil thought.  
_Two minutes_  
_Three minutes_  
_Four minutes_  
He waited for Dan to get back in bed, but after nearly five minutes he had not returned. Phil groaned as he rolled out of bed, yawning.  
He walked through the hallway, dragging his hand across the wall. He looked in each of the doors and saw that Dan wasn't anywhere to be found.  
The last thing Phil wanted to do was walk in on Dan in the bathroom and scare him, but curiosity killed the cat. (And over enthusiasm killed the lion.)  
Phil made his way to the bathroom and peeked through the doorway. As he expected, Dan was there.  
He lightly knocked on the wall to inform he was coming in.  
Dan looked up.  
"What are you doing?" Phil asked as he sat down next to Dan on the floor.  
"I feel like shit." Dan said, running a hand through his hair.  
Phil scooted over next to Dan and sat against the wall.  
"Have you taken anything?" He asked.  
Dan held up a bottle of painkillers.  
Phil looked at the floor, not knowing what to say.  
"I'm sick of this." Dan sounded like he was about to cry.  
"Sick of what?" Phil asked obliviously.  
"I'm fucking sick of vomiting. I can't keep anything down." Dan rested his head on Phil's shoulder.  
Phil stayed quiet for a moment.  
Dan suddenly got up and leaned over the toilet, dry heaving. He put his hands on either side of the toilet to stabilize himself.  
Phil grabbed a washcloth and ran cold water on it, then wringing it out. He pushed Dan's fringe back and placed it on his forehead.  
Dan sat back down against the wall.  
"Thanks."  
They stood up and walked back to the bedroom. Dan stopped in the kitchen, Phil followed.  
Dan swished water in his mouth and spit it out trying to remove the bitter taste from his tongue.  
"Should we take you to the doctor? I mean, vomiti-"  
"Okay, right. Going to the doctor isn't going to fix me. I hate having to wait and explain how I'm feeling when I would really rather let whatever virus I have run it's course whilst I lie in bed comfortably." Dan interrupted him.  
_He also didn't like telling doctors about his "different" body._ Of course, Phil couldn't know about that.  
"This isn't something to just deal with though. If you are throwing up everything you eat, your body is rejecting food. You can't just go on like that." Phil pleaded.  
Dan walked out of the room.  
"Seriously, Dan. What if this doesn't run it's course and you get really sick?" Phil shadowed Dan as they walked down the hallway.  
"It's nothing. If I'm not worried about it, neither should you be." Dan looked at the clock.  
_4:03_  
"Let's just go back to sleep, fuck it." Dan rubbed the back of his neck and climbed into bed.  
Phil sighed and did the same.  
-  
Phil was awoken to the sound of his alarm clock going off at 8 AM. He was about to hit snooze when- wait.  
"Oh shit I have a meeting!" Phil cursed himself when he had forgotten the meeting he had to go to. He looked through the notes on his phone and saw that it would start in forty five minutes.  
His feet hit the floor and and he raced to his closet, changing clothes. He turned on his straightener and went to go brush his teeth.

Dan woke up to Phil running out of the room, just catching the back of his head.  
_"Did I get Phil sick?"_ Dan stood up and bumped into the wall on his way out of the room. He got aggravated.  
He heard the sink running and followed the sound.  
Dan entered the bathroom and rubbed his eyes as sunlight violently shone through the window.  
"Morning." Phil said with his toothbrush still in his mouth.  
"Why were you running to the bathroom so fast? D'you puke too?" Dan asked.  
Phil spit into the sink and ran his toothbrush under the water before turning the faucet off.  
"No, I feel fine," He walked back into the bedroom and Dan followed him.  
"I forgot that I had a meeting to go to this morning. I have to be there in like thirty minutes." Phil changed shirts.  
"Mhm."  
"I'm so sorry that I have to leave you for a few hours. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can, okay? When I get home we can watch anime and cuddle on the couch." Phil changed pants and began straightening his hair.  
"How long will you be gone?" Dan whined.  
"Ehh, about two hours."  
Dan crossed his arms and sat on the bed.  
"Promise me we can have fun when I get home?" Phil asked, pouting.  
"Fine."  
Phil kissed Dan on the forehead and walked out the door.  
-  
Dan planned on spending his two hours alone doing some Christmas shopping. Online, of course.  
He did feel better, but it was so much easier to order everything off of Amazon. He hadn't vomited since the night before and the headaches were gone. Albeit he was a bit tired.  
"It was just a virus," Dan laughed.  
"I told Phil it was nothing serious." He decided to tell Phil the good news, knowing he wasn't in the meeting yet as he had only been gone ten minutes.

**To Phil:**  
_yo I haven't vomited yet and i'm feeling better_

He pressed send and went to grab some crisps for breakfast, considering the fact he hadn't eaten any in nearly a week.  
Dan found a bag of Lays sitting on the kitchen counter. He hurriedly opened it, eating two at a time.  
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

**From Phil:**  
_Good! I'll be home soon, wait for me <3 _

Dan read the text message and felt even better. He could finally focus on more important things than tending to his illness.  
He continued eating his delicious crispy potatoes, content with the day so far.

 

Phil felt relieved when Dan told him he wasn't sick anymore. Even better, he didn't have to drag Dan to the doctor.  
He stepped out of the underground and found a taxi, locating the driver to the office building the meeting was held in.  
The day seemed like it was going great so far.  
Then he received another message from Dan.

**From Dan:**  
_ok disregard my last message, i spewed again_

Phil replied.

**To Dan:**  
_dammit! Take some medicine or drink something to settle your stomach._

Dan felt his phone buzz in his pocket as he spit out mouthwash.  
He hated to admit it, but maybe it wasn't just a virus.  
It could have been the flu or salmonella or something serious.  
Dan sighed and put some clothes on, sick of feeling like shit. He was actually going to go to the doctor.


	6. Not Joking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare your asses for this.

Friday, December 11, 2015. 9:05 AM

Phil stepped out of the taxi and walked into the office building ready for this to be over with. He thanked the driver and made his way to the front door.  
People holding briefcases and dressed in suits were staring at him in his plaid shirt. He suddenly felt out of place.   
Phil knew he was late, and he was afraid of walking in and being sneered at by a group of office people. Pushing his fears aside, he stepped into the lift and pressed the 4th floor   
He waited impatiently wondering if the elevator could go any slower.  
The doors finally opened, revealing a corridor with two meeting rooms on either side.   
He checked his phone and walked into the room labeled '305'.  
Rather than seeing a group of angry businessmen, he was introduced to a nice secretary apologizing for the misprinted date.   
Now he really felt out of place.  
"You see Mr. Lester, my boss told everyone that the meeting would be held the eleventh of December when, in fact, it was scheduled for the eleventh of January." She explained.  
"Oh, alright then. No problem." Phil smiled and walked out of the building with pride.  
He wanted it to be over before it started, and the distance wasn't inconvenience.   
Now he could go home and cuddle with Dan.  
-  
Dan looked at the time on his phone.  
An hour and thirty minutes until Phil was expected to be home.  
He had time.  
Dan walked into the clinic, feeling more uncomfortable than he had been in years.  
He stood in front of the counter.  
"Dan Howell?" He said his name, feeling like he should have gone under an alias.  
"Let's see here," The receptionist looked over names in a computer.  
"Dan Howell, right here. I have you scheduled for 9:15."   
"Thank you." He sat in a chair filling out a forum. He dreaded to answer genital related questions.  
-  
Phil stood in between two burly men on the tube, holding on to a pole that was slightly slippery. Each of the men had lethally bad breath and felt the need to comment on every person they saw. They even brought Phil into it.  
"Hey there, black hair. Look at the woman in the green shirt. Her hair colour is revolting, eh?"  
Phil just smiled and nodded, silently disagreeing with their judgement.  
The train finally stopped and the men walked out, allowing Phil to breathe again.  
He quickly hopped off of the train and walked fast to get out of the underground. He wanted to go home.  
-  
Dan was called into the office earlier than expected. He was greeted by an unfamiliar nurse who seemed to be nice.  
She took his blood pressure and his temperature, height and weight.  
He was seated in a room not far from the door.   
Dan wondered why doctor's offices were always slow, regardless of the amount of people there. He was left alone with his own thoughts.  
-  
Phil walked into the door of the flat and ran upstairs. He took his coat off and sprawled out on the couch.   
He assumed Dan was sleeping. Phil walked into the bedroom and saw an empty bed.  
"Dan?" Phil called out.  
"Dan? Where are you?" Phil prayed he wouldn't find Dan on the bathroom floor.  
He ran into the bathroom and saw nothing.  
"Dan?" He yelled at the top of his lungs.   
Dan had to be home.   
Phil took his phone out of his pocket and called Dan.  
-  
Dan heard his phone ring. He quickly took it out of his pocket and silenced it so the doctors wouldn't hear.  
Phil's picture was on the screen. He pressed the green button.  
"Hey." Dan said, trying not to sound tense.  
"Where the hell are you?" Phil asked.  
"I'm uh- I'm out" Dan didn't want to mention where he was.  
"Out? Where?"   
"I'm at the uh," Dan sighed.  
"I'm at the doctors office."  
"Why? Is everything okay?" Phil sounded worried.  
"I'm fine Phil. I just wanted to know what medicine to take to get rid of this shit."   
"I'm coming down there. You're at the clinic down the street, right?" Phil grabbed his coat and walked out the door.  
"Phil you don't ne-"  
"We can go for lunch or something afterwards. You sound better, anyway." Phil wasn't going to let Dan go to the doctor's office- a place he didn't want to be- alone.  
"Alright. Fine. Love you." And with that, Dan hung up.  
-  
It took another seven minutes, but the doctor finally walked in.  
"Dan, nice to see you! I had you last time, remember? I'm Dr. Elson."  
Dan smiled and sat back, feeling nauseas again.  
"So on this forum you stated you were feeling fatigued and had frequent spells of vomiting?" Dr. Elson set his laptop on the counter and placed his hands on the keys, prepared to type.  
"I've been practically immobile for almost a week, aside from trips to the toilet so I can throw up whatever I had for lunch. I also have had terrible, skull splitting headaches." Dan explained.

Phil walked through the door of the building and walked straight up to the receptionist.   
She looked up, annoyed.  
"I'm here for Dan Howell. What room is he in?" Phil smiled, trying to ignore her attitude.  
"Through that door, third room on the left." 

Phil walked rather quickly toward the door to the office, trying to make it to the room before Dan felt too uncomfortable.  
Phil opened the door slowly and peeked his head through.   
Dan made eye contact, probably with the wrong facial expression.  
Dan wanted Phil here with him because, well, he was Phil. They were there for each other constantly, whether it be for moral support or just to have company.  
What he didn't want is for Phil to find out his secret.

"May I help you?" The doctor looked at Phil.  
"I'm with him." Phil pointed at Dan and walked through the door.  
He sat down beside Dan.

Dr. Elson continued asking questions as if Phil weren't there.

"So Dan, have you had diarrhea accompanied with the vomiting?"  
Dan suddenly became fascinated with his hands. He shook his head.  
"When did you find that the nausea first occurred?" Dr. Elson typed something into his computer.  
Dan thought back to the night at the restaurant.  
"On the eighth, I believe." Dan turned to Phil .  
"What day did we go to the Chinese restaurant?"  
"On the eighth. You were right." Phil assured him.  
"Aha, you were at a restaurant? This seems like an odd case of food poisoning." Dr. Elson closed his laptop and chuckled.  
Dan shook his head.  
"No, I had felt sick before then. I had a headache for a few days, I felt fatigued the day before, and the day we were at the restaurant I felt nauseas when we walked through the door. I hadn't eaten anything yet."   
"Hm." The doctor took his glasses off.  
"Dan, may I ask you a personal question?"   
He didn't want to answer that.  
"Go ahead." Dan sighed.   
"You checked yes when asked if you were sexually active. Do you practice safe sex?" 

Phil picked up a magazine and started flipping through it, knowing the answer to that question and feeling obligated to answer.

"I- well I guess so, usually." Dan murmured.

Dr. Elson noticed his discomfort.

"I'm just wondering if this could be an STD. Does your partner have any history of them?" 

Phil didn't know if that question was directed towards him.

"I've never had an STD." Phil said quietly

Dan repositioned himself in his chair.

Dr. Elson tapped his fingers on the desk.

"Dan, I am aware of your anatomy. I'd like to check for hormonal imbalances before we jump to conclusions." 

Phil raised an eyebrow. 

"I'll need to get a blood sample before I check this out for sure." Dr. Elson's facial expression changed completely. 

Dan's heart started beating faster as he was filled with anxiety. He couldn't hide this from Phil forever.  
Dr. Elson walked out of the room to go get a needle.  
Phil turned to Dan.  
"Your anatomy?" He asked.  
"Phil, I haven't been completely honest with you." Tears pooled Dan's eyes and threatened to fall with every word he spoke.

Phil frowned, thinking that Dan really did have an STD.

"I have a different body. I'm not like all of the other men." Dan took a deep breath.  
"I'm not completely male. I have semi functioning female organs. I guess you could call me a hermaphrodite. I feel like a fucking freak fits me better." Dan buried his head in his hands.  
He finally said it. Phil didn't answer, he just stared.  
"You can be grossed out if you want. We didn't even tell my brother until he was thirteen." Dan said quietly.  
Phil pulled Dan into a hug.  
"Baby I wouldn't care if you had three eyes. I would love you anyway." Phil said affectionately.  
Dan tried to wipe his tears away before the doctor returned.   
"I'm not disgusted. You could never disgust me."   
Dan was about to say something when Dr. Elson returned. He tied a ribbon-like thread around Dan's arm and flicked his vein. He took Dan's blood carefully.

Dr. Elson pulled the needle out and stood up.  
"I need to run a second test. Follow me."

Dan and Phil looked at each other quizzically and followed the doctor into a dark room.   
Phil paid close attention to all of the signs and equipment.  
Dr. Elson flicked the light on and Dan saw the table, which was reminiscent of the one he sat on when they told him about his body at age twelve.  
Phil took a seat and Dan sat on the bed.  
"I need to call a nurse in here to operate the equipment." The doctor left the office yet again.

Dan looked around the room.  
"What the fuck is going on?" 

Phil looked at the monitor and some of the other gadgets they had laying in the vicinity.   
He picked up something.  
"Aren't these the things they use on pregnant women when they give ultrasounds?" Phil asked, eyeing the object.

Dan shrugged.  
"They don't have to be used on pregnant women. I guess they just see inside and look for anything. They can find cysts too I suppose."

Dr. Elson walked through the door with a familiar face.  
Karina Listor.

Dan stood up and Karina reached out for a hug.

"I haven't seen you since you were about seventeen! You stopped needing medical attention then, yeah?" Karina chuckled.

"I'm twenty four now. I should have come down to visit you." Dan smiled and felt some weight lift off of his shoulders.

"You definitely should have. Alright, get comfortable on that bed." Karina turned on the equipment.  
Dan laid back on the bed playing with the hem of his shirt.  
"You know the drill, lift up that shirt." Karina tried to sound casual because she knew how uncomfortable he got.  
Dan hesitated, but slowly lifted his shirt.  
Karina repeated the process she did the day they found out.  
She squirted the gel on his abdomen and moved the wand around. An image appeared on the screen.  
Karina observed and moved the wand in another direction.  
She squinted and called Dr. Elson over, pointing out something in the middle of the screen.

Phil walked up and stared with them, unsure of what he was looking at.   
"Is that Dan's uh, uterus?" Phil asked, naming the only female reproductive organ he could think of.  
Karina nodded and wrote something on her clipboard.  
Dan stared at the screen, confused as hell. He had never seen a dot in in the middle of the screen like that.

"What's that?" Dan asked, afraid of the answer.

Karina turned around and put her hand on his shoulder.   
"It's an egg."

Dan didn't know how to respond to that.

Dr. Elson walked out of the room without notice.

The three of them watched the screen as she moved the wand around.

The dot moved.

Phil pointed at it.  
"Did you see that move?" 

Karina swallowed. "I think we're onto something strange to say at the least."

Dan's heart dropped. He was already aware that he was 'strange'.

"Shit." Dan muttered

Dr. Elson walked back in the room holding a piece of paper.

"I've never experienced anything like this before! Dan, you are my- well, to my knowledge- anyone's first case like this."

Dan reached for Phil's hand and locked fingers with him.

"You sir, are pregnant."

Dan stared at him.  
"You're joking, right?"

"I'm afraid not." Dr. Elson said.

Karina began shutting off equipment and handing Dan paper towels to wipe off with.

Dan wiped the gel off of his stomach and sat up, still with a confused look on his face.

"We will be back with more information, I need to make a few phone calls." Dr. Elson walked out of the room.  
Karina followed him. "I think I should leave you two alone."

Dan stared at the floor. For the first time in his life, he was speechless.

"So I guess this means you're uh-" Phil began but Dan interrupted him.

"Don't say it."

"Sorry."

Silence filled the room.

Phil sat on the bed next to Dan.

"What do you want to do?" He asked quietly.

Dan couldn't even cry.

"I can't think right now." He shut his eyes.

to be continued...


	7. Unbelievable

Dr. Elson and Karina walked back in the room.

"We have come to a conclusion- which could be untrue as this is a definite first," Dr. Elson began.

Dan swallowed hard.

"You are the first pregnant male I've dealt with, or frankly have ever heard of."

Dan cringed at his words.

"This will most likely go as smoothly as a female pregnancy, considering your body has the right organs and functions to support the fetus. Although, since there are no recorded cases like this, things could go wrong. Not in a life threatening way, you just might have some complications." 

"Complications?" Dan asked.

"Complications such as your average case of stretch marks, issues delivering, and if your body can handle the weight gain." Dr. Elson realized he sounded harsh and refrained from speaking more.

Dan huffed and folded his hands together.

"Dr. Listor and I will fully take care of this case, as I'm sure you don't want news reporters and paparazzi following you around if someone else were involved." Dr. Elson chuckled.

"Right, right. Thank you for your time." Dan sighed.  
-  
Dan and Phil walked out of the clinic silently, neither of them even looking at each other. They took a taxi home because being in a densely human infested train was going to make the situation worse.  
Dan walked through the front door of their flat and went straight to his room immediately, shutting the door behind him.  
Phil didn't know what to do. He wanted to talk to Dan, but knocking on his door seemed like a bad idea.

Dan sat in his bedroom crying. He finally could shed a tear and release some of the built up emotion that he couldn't express at the clinic.  
He soon realized he was so emotional because of his hormones, which made him aggravated to think about the cause.  
He heard a hushed knocking on the door. He wondered if now was a good time to talk about it.  
Despite his emotions, he opened the door.

Phil was greeted to the red, puffy face of Dan crying. He didn't know whether he should look at Dan or look away.  
"Can I come in?" He finally asked.  
Dan walked inside and motioned for Phil to come in.  
Phil sat next to dan on the bed.  
"I don't understand." Dan spoke for the first time in an hour.  
"What don't you understand?" Phil said, not looking up from the ground.  
"How this could happen. I didn't know those organs were functional." Dan sniffed.  
Phil hesitantly put an arm around Dan as neither of them dared to speak.  
They both looked at each other and stared.  
"Why did you never tell me about them?" Phil asked. He felt like a shitstorm had just arisen.  
Dan sobbed.  
"Why do you think I kept it from you? I felt like it didn't matter if they were there or not, so why would I bring it up?"  
Phil moved to one side of the bed and laid down on the pillow, staring at the ceiling.  
Dan lay next to him, trying to avoid resting his hand on his stomach. He put his hands to either side and brushed his hand against Phil's.  
"What are you going to do?" Phil added some flax seed to that shitstorm.  
"Well I can't stay like this, can I? I'm a fucking guy. I can't have a baby." Dan snapped.  
"But we saw it at th-"  
"Not like that, Phil. I can't continue this."   
Dan rolled over and looked at Phil.  
"We have things to do. The tour is coming up, how the fuck do you think I will explain this? The whole situation would out us, and even if I denied it was yours people would speculate I was some kind of manslut who went and slept around with a bunch of men. Oh, and I forgot to mention I have fucking ovaries." Dan sounded angrier.  
"So you want to kill the baby." Phil restated.  
Dan stood up and walked out of the room, stopping in the doorway.  
"It's not a baby. Its a mass of cells that I will not allow to turn into one."

Phil didn't feel like getting up. He just laid there, thinking.  
He imagined how life would be if Dan kept it. They could turn Dan's room into a child's bedroom. They could record their first steps, take them to Phil's mum's house and bake cookies, have someone to talk to when Dan wasn't home, and better yet- adoption wasn't necessary when they decided to settle down.  
Phil wanted to be a father. He wanted a little person to raise and nurture.   
Suddenly it all made sense.  
It felt like the void disappeared, like he had found the missing puzzle piece. This was it.  
Phil smiled.   
He had to convince Dan to keep it.  
-  
Dan sat alone in the office on the sofa bed. He wasn't ready to be a parent.  
Life would be too difficult. What if his past self esteem issues were passed on to his children? Adoption would be much easier. No pain, no suffering for nine months, no permanent proof that he wasn't the 'man' people assumed he was.  
He wanted children, just not right now.

Phil walked upstairs, suddenly seeming more lively.  
"Dan, think about it. We can plan this all out to be perfect. Our own baby with our own genes. We could have a little us walking around that we taught to be a badass video maker or something." Phil tried to convince Dan, realizing his plan wasn't thought out enough.

"I'm not keeping it. I already told you." Dan refused to listen.

"Wait." Phil opened YouTube on the computer and typed in "AmazingDan 2". 

_"Dan needs an abortion."_   
_"I don't need an abortion. I don't need an-"_

Phil turned around and looked at Dan.  
"You said it yourself."

Dan rolled his eyes.  
"I have my reasons. It's my body Phil, I'm not going to allow some _thing_ do inhabit it."  
Dan started walking downstairs and Phil followed him.  
Phil sighed.  
"Dan, listen to me."  
Dan wouldn't stop.  
"Please talk to me." Phil pleaded.  
Dan ignored him.  
"Dan fucking Howell, turn around and listen to me for God's sake." Phil grabbed Dan's shoulders and turned him around, not letting go.  
"Remember when we were writing the book and you said that the project was 'our baby'? Think about it like that. This is some weird shit that life threw at us and we caught it, not knowing what we got into. You can't just pretend that it doesn't exist and brush it off like this. When we started the book and the tour, you were miserable. You complained constantly about how tired you were and how much work had gone into it. But guess what: you were happy about it. You said you wouldn't trade it for anything, even if it caused some sleepless nights. Now this is our baby. Literally. You can't just kill it and pretend it never existed because it just doesn't work that way." Phil let go of his shoulders.  
Dan couldn't tell if he was about to cry or get pissed off.  
"So you're saying you would sacrifice your- no _our_ careers- for this?" Dan motioned toward his stomach.  
"Yes." Phil replied in one word, not needing to say more.  
"Unbelievable." Dan said in a high pitched tone, walking out of the room.


	8. Doing the Deed

8:05 PM- Friday, December 11, 2015.   
-  
Dan was found in the lounge watching TV in attempt to get his mind off of the day he had just endured.  
Phil, of course, was sat next to them.  
They could never stay mad at each other. The only thing separating them was a bowl of popcorn, and Dan devoured that within ten minutes.  
Now they were sitting side by side, undisturbed.  
Until there was a commercial break.  
"Why are there so many fucking advertisements?" Dan mumbled.  
"I guess they give you a chance to get up and grab something or go to the bathroom, but ads anywhere are terrible." Phil added.  
"Speaking of grabbing something, can you go get some snacks? Like maybe some crisps and Fanta?" Dan asked.  
Phil stood up and stretched.  
"Sure."  
Phil walked to the fridge and grabbed a 2 liter bottle of Fanta and poured it into a glass. He turned around to put it back into the refrigerator when he saw Dan walk in.  
He didn't say a word, he just opened a jar of mayonnaise and dipped a Dorito into it.  
He ate it.  
Phil stared at him with a puzzled look on his face.  
Dan then grabbed another Dorito, dipped it in mayonnaise, and ate it.  
He repeated the process a third time.  
"That's disgusting." Phil said, grabbing a Dorito out of the bag and eating it.  
"Oh fuck off." Dan said with a mouthful of mayonnaise and crisps.  
Phil dipped one into the mayonnaise.   
"Is it good?" He asked, reluctant to try it.  
"I think it's great." Dan replied, shoving another two in his mouth.  
Phil bit a tiny piece off of the edge.  
"It just tastes of pure mayo." Phil handed the rest of it to Dan who gladly ate it, along with another four.  
Phil gaped at him as he licked mayonnaise off of his finger.  
He decided not to comment on it.  
-  
10:00 PM  
Dan and Phil were both asleep, Dan's legs were draped over Phil's torso as they crashed on the couch.  
Phil had his arm wrapped around Dan's leg as he lightly snored.

Dan woke up with an urge to vomit.   
He knew he couldn't let it slide.  
He also knew the cause, which bothered him.  
"Phil, wake up." Dan shook his shoulder.  
Phil didn't wake up, he just snored louder.  
Dan knew he was about to lose his Doritos and mayonnaise to a porcelain throne of destiny.  
He moved Phil's arm off of his leg and rushed to the bathroom.

Phil woke up when Dan moved his arm. He saw Dan walk out the door holding his stomach.  
Phil knew what that meant.  
He stood up and ran towards Dan who was sitting in front of the toilet holding his head.  
"Did I wake you up?" Dan asked, feeling guilty.  
"It doesn't matter. Did you just throw up?" Phil kneeled down next to Dan.  
"Not yet." Dan closed his eyes and put his head against the wall.  
"When will this be over?" He groaned.  
Phil put his hand on Dan's knee.  
"Probably when you stop eating crisps covered in condiments."   
Dan opened his eyes and glared at Phil.  
He felt something come up in the back of his throat and he leaned over the toilet, gagging.  
Phil rubbed his back and tried to comfort him.  
Dan threw up the only thing he had eaten all day. He coughed and tried to get rid of everything so he wouldn't do this again.  
"I'm sorry." Phil said.  
Dan looked up at him.  
"Why are you sorry?"   
"This is my fault. It was me who, uh, injected you." Phil replied, suddenly making himself feel awkward.  
Dan squeezed his eyes shut.  
"It's not your fault. I'm the one to blame for not being educated on how my body worked." 

Dan wiped his mouth and walked back into the lounge where he picked up his phone.   
He had the phone pressed against his ear when Phil walked in.  
"Hello? Yes, I'd like to schedule an appointment." Dan spoke.  
"Who is that?" Phil mouthed.  
Dan held up his finger and listened to the phone.  
"Dan Howell. This is my cellphone number, yes."  
Phil waited impatiently.  
"Sounds great. Thanks."  
Dan hung up the phone and set it on the table.  
"So?" Phil asked.  
"I'm getting rid of this tomorrow." Dan sat back on the couch.  
Phil gasped.  
"What? You can't do that!" Phil threw his hands in the air.  
"Yes I can. I'm doing it tomorrow at 9:00." Dan crossed his arms.  
"I can't believe you're going to ki-"  
"Phil, we've been over this. I can't handle it. How am I supposed to make videos? Just film my face? Sit behind a desk? And liveshows would be completely out of the question. I'd be throwing my life away." Dan got aggravated again.  
"I just figured you'd think about it before throwing a child away." Phil said, this time him being the one to leave the room.  
Phil decided to think it over in the shower.

Dan turned the volume up and looked through channels. He subconsciously placed a hand on his stomach.   
It felt different. It wasn't as soft as it used to be. He pressed around a few different places, feeling the firmness of his abdomen.  
 _"That's so fucking weird."_ He thought to himself.  
He thought about the tour. He would have to plan it out and perform everything soon. What would he do if he kept it? Could he hide it?  
Dan moved his hand.  
"I can't get attached. They are just cells and Phil's genes."  
Phil's genes.  
He remembered that part of those cells were Phil's.  
"Just cells. They are just cells."  
Dan started dozing off.

Phil got out of the shower and dried his hair, glancing at himself in the mirror. He put on pajamas and walked back into the lounge where he found a sleeping Dan with his arm wrapped around his midsection.  
Phil smiled. It almost looked like Dan was doing that by instinct.  
A loud advertisement played, waking Dan up.   
"Good morning." Phil said, sitting on the couch.  
"What time is it?" Dan asked.  
"11:28" Phil replied, checking the time on his phone.  
"I'm gonna take a shower." Dan stood up and wiped his eyes.   
-  
Dan got out of the shower and reached over to grab a shirt when he saw himself in the mirror.  
He gazed at his body, turning sideways.  
He moved a hand over his stomach and looked in the mirror.  
It didn't look any different. He inspected it a bit closer.  
There was a tiny bump forming just below where his middle finger was located. He observed himself, questioning how the reflection he saw was even him.  
"Huh."   
-  
Dan was about to return to the couch when he saw Phil walk into the bedroom.  
He followed.  
Phil sat on the bed and sprawled out. Dan walked in.  
"How was your shower?" Phil smiled and asked.  
"Eh, fine. I was cold when I got out." Dan flopped on the bed next to him.  
Phil leaned over and kissed Dan.  
Dan smirked and climbed on top of him, returning the kiss.  
Phil fluffed Dan's fringe and rolled him over to the side, running a hand up the back of Dan's shirt.  
Dan rolled his hips against Phil and stuck a hand in his pants.  
Phil let a moan escape his lips as Dan moved his hand up and down.  
He started to take Dan's pants off, but Dan moved his hand away.   
Phil looked at him, perplexed.  
Dan shrugged and laid on his side. Phil scooted closer and wrapped his arm around Dan, spooning him. Dan preferred being the big spoon, but Phil liked being the one to cuddle every once in a while.   
Dan fluttered his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Phil woke up at 2 AM and had to use the bathroom. When he came back, Dan was lying on his back with the hem of his shirt pulled up, exposing his lower stomach.  
Phil wanted to touch it.  
He crawled back in bed slowly, trying not to wake Dan.   
Carefully, he moved his hand on top of Dan's tummy. The warmth of his skin felt good against Phil's hands that were cold from just being washed.  
Phil moved his hand in tiny circles. He watched Dan's chest rise and fall as he breathed.  
Dan rolled over.   
Phil thought he had woken him up.  
Phil scooted closer and placed a hand on Dan's stomach, falling asleep.

Dan was awake.

-  
Saturday, December 12, 2015. 8:00 AM

Dan woke up to the sound of the alarm going off on his phone.   
This was it.  
He was going to end it today.  
His feet hit the floor, and so did Phil's heart.  
"So you're going to get rid of the baby today?" Phil asked, sipping his coffee.  
"Stop calling _it_ 'the baby'." Dan responded, annoyed.  
"Whatever." Phil went upstairs to go pay bills.

Dan put clothes on that were easy enough to change in and out of. He didn't bother changing into skinny jeans, they felt a bit tight anyway.  
"Phil! I'm going!" Dan yelled upstairs.  
"Have fun!" Phil yelled back, sarcastically. He couldn't believe Dan was going through with this.  
-  
Dan seemed to pass every baby within a mile's radius of London.  
He saw three couples with their toddler walking around at the park.  
At least five mothers holding their children in their arms, playing with their hands.  
Dan shook his head. This wouldn't get to him  
He walked into the clinic and signed in.  
"I have an appointment at 9:00? My name's Dan Howell."   
"I have you right here, darling. Please fill this out." The receptionist handed him a forum he had to fill out.  
The word 'darling' stuck in his head.  
He filled out the forum, starting to feel remorse in coming here.  
He reached the last question on the paper.  
"Are you sure you want to terminate this pregnancy?"  
Dan hovered the pen over the only box, which printed "yes" in 36 size letters.  
He couldn't put the pen down.   
Phil's voice popped into his head.  
 _"Throwing a child away."_  
Dan remembered the way he and Phil had fallen asleep last night with Phil's arm wrapped around him.  
Phil really cares about those cells.  
He thought about the cells.  
Half of them were Phil's.  
He was getting rid of Phil's cells.  
Did he want to do that?  
Dan set the pen down and thought for a moment, slumping down in his chair.  
He couldn't do this.

"Actually, I'd like to cancel my appointment." Dan said, walking up to the counter.   
The receptionist smiled at him.  
"Good choice."  
 _Good choice?_  
Dan went with it.  
-  
Dan opened the door to their flat and immediately ran upstairs in search of Phil. He found him in the office.

"That was fast. How'd it go?" Phil asked, his face was bright red as if he had been crying.  
Dan hugged Phil tightly.  
"I'm guessing it went fine." Phil turned around.  
"I didn't do it." Dan said.  
"What?" Phil smiled and turned back around.  
Phil's smile was contagious. A smile spread across Dan's face.  
"Phil Lester, I have no idea what it is about you with convincing people, but you somehow convinced me to keep this."


	9. Secrets and Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am shit at writing smut and always seem to make some sort of pun or joke in the middle of it, which probably kills the mood.  
> Although, Dan's ass being Phil's anemone is a pretty accurate representation if I do say so myself.

Sunday, December 13, 2015. 6:30 PM  
-  
Phil closed his laptop after tweeting about his upcoming liveshow.  
Dan walked in the room holding a bag of potato chips.  
"No mayonnaise this time?" Phil joked.  
Dan gave him _that_ glare and hopped on the couch.  
"So you're about to do a YouNow?" Dan asked, licking the salt off of a potato chip.  
Phil nodded.  
Dan tilted the bag in his direction, offering food. Phil gladly accepted.  
"Just so we're clear- no mentions of what's going on. Don't mention I had been sick, don't mention something weird that happened on the street, don't mention that you were so much as _near_ a doctor's office." Dan suddenly got serious.  
"I'm not, trust me. I wasn't planning to. Did you think I was going to just randomly start talking about something that happened on the street and go 'yeah we were on that street because Dan had been sick, which then led to him finding out why he was sick, and now-" Phil stopped himself. "You get my point."  
"Stop patronizing me. I just don't want any suspicion." Dan stated, trying to prove he was right.  
"I highly doubt that anyone would suspect that you're pregnant." Phil rolled his eyes.  
"Our families don't even know. Shit! _Our families don't know._  
Phil realized what he meant.  
"What are we doing to do?" He asked, now getting quiet.  
"Well I can't just show up huge and be like 'lol guess what mum'." Dan pitched an attitude.  
Phil sighed and laid back in his chair.  
"We can sort this out later when we have more time to talk about it."  
-  
One thing that everyone suspected but never knew to be true was Dan and Phil's relationship. They kept it a secret for many reasons.  
First of all, people get too invested in other people's relationships. If something were to happen, their demographic would drop tremendously. The breakup of Dan and Phil would split up an entire fandom. People would pick one over the other, fighting about who was right and wrong. It wouldn't only cause a split between Dan and Phil themselves, it would cause a division between hundreds of thousands of people.  
Second of all, they felt like it would offend some people. In the beginning they were afraid of judgement, and it soon became the other way around. They didn't want their viewers with non accepting families to scold them for liking a person's videos, so why condone it?

But hiding their relationship from viewers was never a problem.  
The problem originated in their parents.  
Dan and Phil's parents didn't even know.  
Sure, they joked and teased about how close they were, but they never knew that their loosely taken suspicions had soon become reality.  
-  
Phil was forty five minutes into his liveshow when Dan received a call from his mum.  
Convenient timing.  
Dan took a deep breath and answered the phone.  
"Hey mum!" Dan tried to sound normal, only to realize his efforts were pointless. She didn't know anything.  
"Good evening, Dan. How are you?"  
Dan hesitated to answer.  
"I'm good, fine. How about you?"  
"I'm great. So I was wondering when you were going to come down here? Christmas isn't that far from now!" She sounded so excited.  
_Oh shit._  
"Man, Christmas is soon! That's so weird. It feels like yesterday I was at home for Christmas a year ago!" Dan panicked.  
"And it feels like yesterday when you were just a baby! You grew up too fast." She didn't notice the tone in his voice.  
Her mention of children made him feel on the spot.  
"Very true. You know- oh, wait. Phil's calling me. I'll ring you later so we can settle on a date." Dan lied.  
They said their 'I love you's and Dan tossed the phone on his bed.  
-  
"Okay, I think I'm going to go cook dinner. I've got a fam- people to feed." Phil noticed his last sentence. He played it off like it was nothing.  
"I'm starving, Dan's probably hungry, and I have houseplants to water." He held up a houseplant.  
"Goodbye Lisa, Arnold, Jackie, Terry, Samantha, Maya, and Vicky." Phil covered the camera with his hand.  
Dan turned the corner when he heard Phil close his laptop.  
"What do you mean I'm probably hungry?" Dan asked, annoyed.  
"I nearly said I had family to feed, I couldn't just leave it off there." Phil defended himself.  
Dan didn't have an argument.  
"Anyway, we have bigger problems." Dan sat next to Phil.  
"Great."  
"So my mum wants to know when I'll be coming home for Christmas. What now?"  
Phil thought about it.  
"What did you tell her?" Phil asked.  
"I didn't answer. I just pretended I heard you calling me and said I'd talk to her later." Dan explained.  
"You don't look any different now, I'm sure you won't within a week. If you do start showing just blame it on dinner." Phil tried to think of an excuse.  
"Wait, so you're saying I have to go there alone?" Dan sounded offended.  
"I have to go see my family too. I can't just skip and have Christmas without them."  
Dan scratched his neck.  
He didn't want to be responsible for Phil not spending Christmas with his family.  
"We can leave on the nineteenth or something and come back a week later." Phil thought that was reasonable.  
Dan whined.  
"Worst case scenario we can leave early and say a few friends were in town or something. We will only be three hours apart." Phil tried cheering him up.  
Dan's face lightened up a little.  
"Now that our families are sorted out, what about the tour?" Dan had to bring it up, no matter how much he wanted to avoid thinking about it.  
Phil let out a prolonged "ugh".  
"We could still do it if I wore baggier clothes." Dan offered.  
"Do you really think it would be safe for you to jump around on stage?" Phil looked at Dan, dumbfounded.  
Dan crossed his arms.  
"We could perform at like five places in a short timespan. I could move around on stage less, you could take the spotlight. Easy."  
"You're not thinking about this, Dan. By the time we have places booked, you will be beyond the point of hiding anything. It's common sense." Phil explained.  
Dan stayed silent.  
"And not only that, why would we visit the smallest amount of places? This whole thing is mainly for the fans. Some for the profit, mainly for fans and our enjoyment. So what's the point in cramming it into a small time frame just so we can get it over with? We could just wait." Phil knew his plans were more practical.  
Dan was disappointed. He wanted to go on tour. He wanted something to do. He realized that now he couldn't hang out with anyone or go out to eat. He loved being at home, but never doing anything for most of the year felt like a waste.  
Dan's eyes pooled with tears.  
"What, so now I'm stupid? I just wanted to do something fun. Did you think about how we won't be able to go anywhere?" Dan looked like an angry five year old with his pouty face and crossed arms.  
Phil wasn't thinking about other people or having fun, and truthfully he wasn't focused on the tour. He was focused on Dan. For a week they hadn't been able to follow their normal schedule since Dan and been sick. Everything had been out of the ordinary. They had only found out the day before, so obviously they wouldn't have everything planned out. Why was he so adamant about going on tour? Did Dan care? He was hoping Dan didn't regret his decision to keep it.  
Phil was confused and scared. Now they both looked like angry five year olds.  
"I never said you were stupid." Phil said quietly.  
Phil wanted to start a family with Dan. If Dan didn't want it, he wouldn't know how to feel.  
Dan noticed the tone of his voice change. This threw him off.  
"What?" Dan asked, now feeling guilty.  
Phil walked to to the bedroom without a word.  
-  
They hadn't spoken in an hour. Phil was too busy distracting himself from thinking.  
Dan was wondering what he did to make Phil go quiet, which was unusual.  
Phil was one to give the silent treatment, but he always storms out rather than holding back tears on his way out the door.  
Dan wanted a hug.

Phil saw Dan walk in the bedroom and rolled to the side, making room. He turned over so Dan wouldn't see his face.  
"Phil, talk to me. What did I do?"  
Phil rolled over on his back.  
"I'm just worried."  
Dan draped his arm over Phil's chest and rested his head beside Phil's.  
"Worried about what?"  
Phil was reluctant to answer. He was afraid that his fears were true.  
He couldn't say it.  
He didn't want to.  
"I'm afraid you're regretting your decision."  
He said it.  
Dan lifted his head up and looked Phil in the eyes. He was surprised to hear that.  
"Phil if I thought I was going to regret keeping the baby I would have gone through with the abortion." Dan said wholeheartedly.  
Phil grinned when Dan finally addressed it as "the baby".  
Maybe Dan wanted this too.  
"I know how much you care about this, so why would I get rid of it? I'm a bitter asshole but I love you and would never kill your child." Dan admitted.  
Phil was shocked. Dan never admits he is wrong.  
Frankly, neither of them liked to.  
Phil was relieved to learn that Dan cared, even if it wasn't enough to appreciate the situation in any way. Dan kissed him in apology and Phil bit his lip. Dan led Phil's hand to the button on his jeans. "Finish what you started last night." Dan purred. Phil unbuttoned Dan's jeans and unzipped the zipper. Dan pulled Phil's jeans completely off and stuck his hand in Phil's boxers. Phil was surprised, usually Dan was slow at the start. Jerking other people off seemed awkward, but Dan had mastered it. Phil got so into it that he quit undressing Dan and sat back. Dan didn't even care, he liked pleasuring Phil. They got into it as if they weren't discussing serious matter before, causing Dan to go faster than Sonic on Phil's dick. "Gotta blast." Phil moaned. Damn Howell was beating Sonic at the speed of light. In reality, Dan was beating Phil. Mutual masturbation had just become a new kink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry.


	10. Out of Sight, Out of Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

Friday, December 18th, 2015. 6:00 PM

Dan and Phil have no trouble planning things together.  
They have no trouble performing things together.  
They have no trouble doing things together.  
But doing anything separate is a different story.  
Especially when Phil is the only one that Dan has right now.

Dan and Phil had been preparing for their week of winter break in the last few days.

"Phil have you called Tina yet?" Dan asked, packing his suitcase.  
"Yeah, she said she couldn't meet until January because of it being Christmas." Phil replied.  
"Dammit."

Dan had repacked his suitcase at lease three times hoping that he would have clothes diverse enough to be baggy but in an 'intentional looking stylish way', as he liked to call it. Phil said that there was no way he could make baggy clothes look stylish, but of course Dan kept with his opinion.  
Dan folded his clothes sloppily and tossed them in his suitcase.  
Dan suddenly stopped packing and hugged Phil.  
This was not a rare occurrence. Dan felt like he was going to lose his security blanket.  
"It won't be long. I will call you every day, I promise." Phil reassured him.

They weren't in constant need of being near each other, but under these circumstances Dan felt like Phil was the only one who could keep him sane.  
-  
8:49 PM

Everything in the house was prepared to be left alone for the week. The TV's were turned off, the computers were shut down, and Phil had constructed an automatic watering device for his plants.  
They did the laundry, put up all of the dishes, and even wiped off some surfaces.

They had their suitcases in the hallway, ready to be taken far away from home in the early morning.  
Dan and Phil had a steamy shower. 

"We should just sleep naked so we don't have laundry to do in the morning." Phil yawned.  
"That would defeat the purpose, we'd have to clean the sheets." Dan winked.

Phil was tired. He didn't get it.

Dan took his shirt off and slipped into bed.

Phil was surprised. Dan hadn't slept without a shirt since they found out. 

Maybe he _was_ comfortable with it.

Phil rolled into bed and laid his head on the pillow.  
Dan wrapped his arm around Phil's chest, spooning.  
Phil stroked Dan's leg with his foot softly and Dan wrapped his leg around Phil's.

Phil liked cuddling. Especially with Dan.  
Phil was always more of a "would you like some hot chocolate and a hug" kind of person rather than a "let's watch a movie and fuck halfway through" kind of person.  
He enjoyed the serenity of being held or holding someone lovingly. There was no awkwardness, it was all euphoria and a sense of security.  
Dan was a perfect match for Phil when it came to being intimate. Their hands fit perfectly together, they could comfortably cuddle without one feeling too much bigger than the other, and kissing casually had become their second nature. One of the best things about their relationship was the lack of disturbance when one of them got a boner. To them it was a compliment.

Dan had fallen fast asleep but Phil was still awake.  
He could hear Dan's heartbeat, it's rhythmic pattern was soothing.  
Every time he breathed Phil could feel the warmth of his chest gracefully making contact with Phil's skin.  
He wouldn't trade moments like this for anything. 

Phil had almost dozed off when he suddenly realized what Dan meant earlier when he said they would have to wash the sheets.  
They needed boxers on so they wouldn't have to have a jizz quiz the next morning.  
-  
Saturday, December 19th, 2016. 7:00 AM

Both of their alarms went off simultaneously to ensure they would wake up.   
Dan got up instantly and made coffee for them both.

_"Two sugars and some milk."_

Dan narrated as he made Phil's coffee.

Phil got out of bed after nearly pressing snooze for the second time.  
He met Dan in the kitchen, eager to drink his coffee.  
Phil thanked Dan and instantly sipped the warm caffeinated nectar.

"What time do we have to be on the train?" Phil swallowed other large gulp of coffee.

Dan checked the paper.

"7:30." He replied, barely keeping himself awake.

Phil finished his coffee and washed out the cup.  
Dan dropped a spoon on the floor and was too tired to pick it up.  
The harsh sound of it hitting the floor startled Phil, waking him up more.  
Dan didn't even care. He knew he was going to fall asleep on the train.  
-  
7:25 AM

Dan and Phil stood close together in the cold, wishing they could huddle for warmth.

"Call me tonight." Dan requested.

"You know I will, I'll be looking forward to it." Phil smiled.   
Dan reached for Phil's hand and linked fingers.

Phil pointed at a train pulling up.

Dan's train was scheduled to arrive first. 

"I love you. Call me tonight." Dan hugged Phil.

"I love you too. I promise I will." Phil discretely kissed Dan's cheek as they were hugging, trying not to look obvious.

Dan pulled away and began walking towards the train when Phil stopped him.

"Dan, wait." 

Dan walked back.

"Check the front pocket of your suitcase when you get to your parents' house." Phil said.  
-

Dan had definitely fallen asleep on the train. The ride was only an hour, but he knew that there was nothing else better to do than catch some sleep.

The train stopped in Wokingham.  
Dan had woken up only a few minutes before, allowing him to barely have enough time to collect his luggage before the train headed to another location.  
He felt vulnerable in his condition without Phil. He felt like everyone knew, like he had committed a crime and everyone could see the blood on his hands.  
There was no reason to feel that way, but being in public without your security blanket is scary enough. Add some stress to that mix and you will get a shitstorm sandwich. 

He told his mother they would meet near the front of the station and she could drive him home.

He looked for her in the area she designated to meet in, but couldn't see her.

Dan walked through crowds of people, standing out because of his height. 

Calling her seemed like the best option.

As soon as he picked up the phone, he spotted a woman with brown hair and his eyes staring back at him next to a light pole.

She smiled and he scurried towards her, feeling somewhat safe once he reached her.

Dan's mum took him into a warm embrace, followed by her complimenting his haircut.

_Here we go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to keep some of the events that happened irl in the time frame that it happened irl (i.e dan and phil going to see their families.) But it was kind of difficult considering the circumstances in the story.  
> I don't know why it bothers me that there is inaccurate information in a fictional story.


	11. Questianity

December 19th, 2015. 9:15 AM

"I'm so glad you're finally home, I missed you so much." Dan's mum beamed, driving home.

Dan was delighted to see his family. He missed them too. 

"I'm glad to be home! How have you been?" Dan definitely felt better to be with his mother. She was his original security blanket.

"I've been doing great. Although, your father was ill a week ago. I forced him to get better so he wouldn't be sick at Christmas." His mum started ranting about how 'he should have taken more vitamins because his immune system is probably down'.

Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad.  
-

Phil's alarm woke him up, along with the four people sitting near him.  
The train was about five minutes away from his destination. He could stay awake that long.  
Phil turned the alarm off and gathered everything he had spread out in the past two hours.  
He decided to play some iPhone games to pass time.  
Maybe Neko Atsume? Nah.  
Phil scrolled through all of his apps. He looked through pages of applications and couldn't find anything interesting.  
He was dissatisfied with all of the games he currently had.  
His last resort was to look through photos on his phone.

The train stopped and immediately everyone stood up to stretch. Phil stretched in his chair, he was already comfortable.   
The door opened and people flooded out, which was inconvenient as Phil was seated near the door.  
He collected his belongings and walked out with the crowd. He was going to take a taxi to his parents' house.  
-

Dan was sitting out on the sofa with his brother playing video games.  
"God dammit Dan!" Adrian cried out.  
Dan smirked.  
"Want to play again?" 

Dan's parents watched them playing together and smiled.  
"I can't believe how much Dan's grown up. Look at him, his face doesn't look like a teenager anymore." Karen reminisced.  
"He's still a teenager at heart." Dan's father joked.

Dan's mum returned to the kitchen so she could finish cooking. She called Dan in.

"So tell me, how was the tour?" She asked, mixing pancake batter.

"It was great. Phil bumped his head at one show and I ripped my jeans that revealed my ass." Dan replied.

"Ah, fun. How is Phil doing?" 

"He's alright." Dan wondered when this would become more than small talk.

"Good. Doesn't he have a birthday coming up?" She asked.

Dan had completely forgotten that Phil's birthday was next month.

"Yeah, he does. The 30th of January." 

"Gosh, how old is he going to be?" His mum asked, now pouring batter into a pan.

"Twenty nine. He still acts like a ten year old though, so he probably isn't going to change with age." Dan said, sarcastically.

"Wow. When I was around his age I married your father." Karen sounded inquisitive. 

Dan smiled and nodded.

"Phil ought to have found a girlfriend by now, right? He's a lovely young man, I don't see why he hasn't found anyone." 

Dan panicked. 

"Well, he uh- like he's really busy and now we're trying to work on new projects and neither of us really have time for a girlfriend." Dan defended him.

"Oh, I see." Her tone changed.

Dan sighed and started setting the table.

"I never mentioned you though." Karen added.

"I don't have time for a girlfriend, mum. I have too much to do, too much on my mind." Dan stopped himself after the end. 

He needed to think before he spoke to avoid accidentally initiating a conversation he didn't want to have.  
-

Phil finally got a ride to his parents' house.   
He rang the doorbell and waited.  
Suddenly, the door opened.  
"Hey Phil!" Martyn answered the door.  
Phil hugged him and walked inside.  
"Where's mum and dad?" Phil asked.  
"They're cleaning the kitchen." Martyn replied.  
Phil walked into the kitchen with his brother and surprised his parents. 

"Boo!" Phil turned the corner.  
-

Dan was tired and hungry.  
He had slept and eaten, but of course he was 'eating for two', so he needed extra food.  
Adrian, Dan, and his parents were watching TV together in the living room. Dan was pondering an elaborate plan to sneak some food.  
Dan got up and excused himself to use the restroom.  
He grabbed his phone and closed the bathroom door, locking it as he walked in.  
He put down the toilet lid and got his phone out.

**To: Phil**   
_how's everything going?_

Dan opened a game and waited for Phil to respond.

His phone vibrated.

**From: Phil**  
 _It's all good here. You?_

**To: Phil**   
_i'm hungry as fuck and i don't know how to sneak food into the bathroom so i can binge_

Dan turned on the sink and flushed the toilet to make it sound like he was using the bathroom for it's intended use.

He closed the door behind him and made his way to the kitchen, opening the door to the pantry so he could eat a bag of crisps.

Dan's phone vibrated in his pocket.

**From: Phil**   
_Sneak it in your room at night. Say you're midnight snacking. Love you xx_

**To:Phil**   
_good suggestion. thanks. xx love you too_

Dan set his phone on the counter and opened a tribe sized bag of delightful fried potato slices.  
He ate one and hoped that they didn't have mayonnaise in the house.

Dan turned around to grab his phone and saw Adrian looking at it.  
He panicked and set the bag down.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dan asked, trying to stay calm.

"I should be asking you the same thing." Adrian looked confused.

"Lower your voice, I don't want mum and dad to hear." Dan said.

"Okay. Why did you and Phil just confess your love for each other after you told him you were a closet eater?" Adrian asked quietly.

_"Shit shit shit shit shit."_ Dan cursed himself in his head.

It looks like he didn't have a choice.

"Can you keep a secret? I know you can, but like keep one from our parents and everyone else?" Dan asked, feeling like he made a mistake.

Adrian nodded truthfully.

"Me and Phil are actually in a, um, relationship." Dan said hesitantly, sitting in a dining chair.  
He expected his brother to be disgusted and run away, tell his parents, or go tell his friends and joke about it.

Thankfully, that isn't the reaction he got.  
"I already knew that." Adrian laughed.

"What?"

"Dan, you've lived together for like four years. Neither of you have girlfriends, and you spend way too much time together. I knew you liked him years ago." Adrian explained.

Dan felt relieved, yet slightly scared because of how obvious he made it sound.

"How long have you been dating?" Adrian asked.

"Since a month after we first met in person." Dan confessed.

Adrian sat in the chair next to him.

"I promise I won't tell. I also won't tell that you binge eat." He giggled.

Dan laughed and brushed it off.

"I don't binge eat, shut up." Dan nudged his arm.  
-

12:00 AM, December 20th, 2016.

Everyone in the house was asleep. Dan was curled up in bed listening to music.  
He ate dinner three hours ago, but of course that wouldn't satisfy him.  
This was perfect timing. He could sneak downstairs and get leftovers, maybe even heat them up, and come back in his room without anyone knowing.  
Dan gently opened the door, trying not to make any noise. He tried to walk lightly down the hallway and down the stairs so his footsteps would be silent.  
He successfully made it to the kitchen. He turned on a lamp and opened the fridge.

"Hah! So you do binge eat." A silhouette whispered from behind him

Dan jumped and gasped.

"Fuck! Adrian what are you doing?" Dan put his hand over his heart and sat on the floor, leaning against the cabinets.

Adrian sat next to him.  
"I saw you come down and wanted to confront you about your addiction. I had my door open." 

"I don't have an addiction or binge eat. I'm just snacking." Dan got agitated.

"Just snacking? You're lazy as hell and you eat like a pig but you're still skinny. How do you manage that?" 

Dan wondered if he should tell him.  
No.

"You midnight snack too." Dan added.

"Yeah, but I don't binge eat." Adrian snickered 

"I have my reas-" Dan stopped himself. 

"What are your reasons?" Adrian asked halfheartedly.

Dan really should think before he speaks.

"Never mind."

"What are your reasons? Tell me." Adrian wouldn't stop.

"I said never fucking mind." Dan said, frustrated.

"Who shit in your cereal?" Adrian turned his head away,

Dan realized how he was acting.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

Dan sat silently next to his brother, looking down.

"Do you really want to know my reasons?" Dan asked, regretfully.

"Sure, I guess." Adrian replied.

_Here goes nothing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was a lil shitty. It was difficult to write interesting things to happen while they aren't together since it isn't very predictable.


	12. Letters and Lies

Dan bit his lip.  
Was he really about to do this?  
Did he really want to blow his cover?  
What would Phil say?  
Dan knew his brother could keep a secret, but with something like this he was unsure.

_"Fuck it."_ He thought.

"So you know how I have those, uh, extra organs?" Dan said slowly.

Adrian nodded, raising a brow.

"Those work, apparently. And-"

"Wait are you saying you are on your period?" Adrian tried to suppress his laughter, interrupting Dan.

"No." Dan said, expressionless.

Adrian got silent. 

"Okay, continue."

"I didn't know these organs actually did anything. I knew they were there, but I didn't know they were functional." Dan began.

"So you're hormonal?" Adrian started giggling again.

Dan didn't budge. He sat there, quiet and worried.

Adrian straightened up and looked at him.

"Sorry. What's wrong?" He asked sympathetically.

"I'm pregnant." Dan said, flatly.

Adrian stared at him.

"You're kidding me?" 

"No. I'm dead serious. I didn't believe it either, honestly." Dan admitted.

"I don't even know if I believe you." Adrian said, shocked.

"I'm not messing with you. I can pee on a stick if you want me to prove it." 

Adrian got a nasty image in his head.

"No thank you." He said, disgusted.

"So that's why you snapped at me earlier?" Adrian questioned.

Dan nodded.

"Wow." Adrian didn't know what else to say.

"You can't tell anyone that either." Dan mentioned.

Adrian stared at him with his eyes comically wide.

"Okay, fine. I'm not going to tell anyone. I won't tell anyone about you and Phil, either." Adrian rolled his eyes.

"Thank you. Can we get some food and go back to bed now?" Dan huffed. 

Adrian opened the fridge and collected a box of leftovers.  
"Gladly"  
-

Phil received a text message at 2 AM.  
He groggily slid his phone off of the bedside table and checked the message.

**From: Dan**  
_hey can you talk_

Phil squinted, wondering if he read that right.  
He could only ascertain that something was wrong, given it was 2 AM.  
Phil walked on the balcony and called Dan.  
-

Dan picked up the phone immediately.

"What's wrong?" Phil asked with a tired voice.

"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry." Dan apologized, ignoring his question.

"You didn't, it's fine. What's wrong?" Phil repeated the question.

"Don't kill me, but I told Adrian about us." Dan whispered.

Phil didn't answer for a moment.

"Phil?" 

"I'm still here." Phil answered.

"Are you mad?" Dan felt guilty.

"No, I'm not mad just- why did you tell him?" Phil was puzzled.

"I had my phone on the counter for like five seconds and I turn around to see him reading through our text messages and I had to explain why I said I loved you, then he said it was obvious that we were dating because of how we act and he wasn't surprised, and th-" Dan rambled on.

"Wait, so did your parents find out?" Phil asked, interrupting.

"No. Adrian is good about keeping secrets. I'm just worried about the other secret I told him." Dan admitted.

Phil widened his eyes, even though Dan couldn't see him.

"You what? Did you tell him you're pregnant?" Phil sounded a little too shocked.

"I couldn't think of an excuse for when I said I needed to sneak food and binge. I felt like I was under pressure." Dan tried to give a good explanation.

"Honestly, if he can keep a secret, I'm fine with it. I'm glad you told me." Phil did feel a little relieved that someone else knew.

"Okay, good. Don't worry about my parents finding out." Dan reassured him.

"Alright. Is that all?" Phil asked, hoping he would say something about the suitcase.

"That's everything I had to say. I love you, goodnight." Dan felt the weight of the world fall off of his shoulders. Phil wasn't mad.  
-

Sunday, December 20th, 2015. 12:00 PM

Dan had been baking with his mum for the past few hours as family would come over in two days.  
The cakes were in the oven and Karen was in charge of taking them out.  
Adrian was playing video games. Dan walked in and asked to join him.  
He scooted over and handed Dan a controller.

"Before you two get into a battle to the death, would you please take Collin for a walk?" Dan's father intervened, holding a leash.

The boys nodded and hooked the dog to the leash.  
"Do you want to play Halo or Fallout when we get back?" Adrian asked, closing the door behind him.  
"Halo." Dan answered  
He offered to hold the leash.  
Adrian gave him the handle.  
They walked out of their parent's driveway and down the street.  
Dan mentioned something about something funny he had seen on Twitter, but besides that neither of them spoke much.  
Suddenly, Adrian spoke.  
"So what you told me last night is really true?" Adrian asked.  
Dan sighed.  
"Yes."  
"I guess you and Phil are at it in the bedroom often." Adrian mumbled.  
"Oh, shut up." Dan kicked his brother's leg lightly.  
Adrian stared at Dan's stomach.  
"If you're pregnant, why are you still perfectly skinny?" Adrian raised an eyebrow.  
"I've only known for a week and a half." Dan replied.  
Adrian didn't say anything.  
"I just don't know if I can believe you." He shrugged.  
Dan felt a bit irritated.  
"Have I ever lied to you about something serious?" Dan asked, offended.  
"No, but I've never heard of a guy that has given birth." Adrian looked up at Dan.  
Dan narrowed his eyes.  
He decided not to perpetuate this until it became an argument.  
"Whatever."  
-

**10:00 PM**

"Can you two help tidy the house tomorrow? We have family that will be in town on the 22nd. I want the house to be clean when they get here." Karen asked.  
"We can handle the cooking." Dan's father added.  
Dan and Adrian nodded.  
Dan pulled out his phone.  
"What time should I set my alarm?" Dan asked.  
"Around nine, not too early." His mum answered.  
Dan set his alarm for nine and put it back in his pocket.  
Everyone said goodnight and walked to their rooms.  
Dan was exhausted and treaded up the stairs.  
He contemplated calling Phil, but there wasn't much to say.  
He opened the door to his room and closed it, immediately flopping on the bed. Changing clothes didn't feel necessary.  
Sleeping in jeans and a heavy jumper seemed a bit too warm, so he sluggishly opened his suitcase to grab a pair of pajama pants.  
His hand grazed the top of the suitcase, feeling something in the front pocket.  
He remembered what Phil told him.  
Dan had completely forgotten to look at what Phil put in his suitcase.  
He unzipped it and shoved a hand into the pocket, taking out a few envelopes stacked on top of each other.  
He opened the one titled "Read this letter first!".  
The envelope contained a letter written on notebook paper with a drawing at the bottom.

_"Dan,_  
I'm not very poetic but I'll give it a shot.  
I'd like to admit that I think you're really hot.  
We're perfect together, and sad when we're apart.  
Honestly, this week is going to break my heart.  
I realized this and I drew you a picture.  
It looked really good under the light fixture." 

Dan giggled and put a hand to his mouth.  
Below there were two stick figures holding hands, one wearing a black shirt and the other with a shirt colored in highlighter.  
There were colored hearts around them and a few bunnies drawn to the left hand side of the paper.

He folded the picture and put it back in the envelope, still smiling.  
Dan opened the next one that was titled "Day 1"

There was another letter inside.

_"Dan,_  
I think my last poem was good, do you agree?  
If you were here, I feel like you would joke about it with me.  
Although I enjoy our mornings eating toast,  
I treasure the nights when we kissed the most.  
I hope you know that I miss you a lot,  
and remember not to eat tater... tots... yeah." 

Dan looked below the poem to see a side note written in Phil's bubbly handwriting.

_P.S: Open these one day at a time!_

There was another drawing below with the same stick figures. This time they were kissing. They were no longer surrounded by hearts, but with stars and thought bubbles with "^-^" faces inside of them.

Dan returned the letter to it's designated envelope and picked up his phone.

**To: Phil**  
_just got your letters. Love you <3_

Dan realized he would have been here two days, granted it was nearly the third. He decided to open the letter that was supposed to be opened on day two.

_"Dan,_  
No matter what happens, we will stick together.  
Even when you think some trouble will last forever.  
I wish you were here with me, lying in my arms.  
But alas, you are far away, and I wake up to phone alarms." 

Dan's heart fluttered. He missed Phil too.  
The drawing at the bottom had the stick figures standing in what looked like their lounge. Phil had drawn the TV, their couch, the dining table, and even the chandelier. It was obvious he had spent more time on this drawing.  
The one with the black shirt looked sad. He had a frowning face and was holding a small, thin rectangle with writing on it. Dan squinted his eyes to see what it said.  
'positive'  
The one in the brighter shirt had his arm around the frowning stick figure, trying to comfort him.  
Dan realized what this drawing was supposed to represent.  
He thought for a moment and grabbed some paper off of the desk behind him.  
He found a pen on the ground and started drawing.  
Dan drew his version of the stick figures lying on a bed that emulated Phil's. One had 'zZzZ' floating above it's head, and the other was cuddling with the sleeping stick figure. He tried to draw an arm wrapped around it.  
He lightly shaded the sleeping one's hair, and darkly coloured the other one's.  
Dan took a picture of his drawing and sent it to Phil along with a poem of his own.

**To: Phil**  
_"I got your letters, they made me giggle._  
I tried to draw something for you, but these all look like squiggles.  
If you get the reference, I give you credit,  
because I feel like this needs a PhotoShop edit.  
I love you dearly, and I miss you so much,  
please forgive me for replying in a rush.  
I hope you know that I truly do care,  
so don't worry your pretty little head. 

_PS: I was awake that night_

Dan pressed send.

He put the envelopes back in the front pocket of his suitcase and folded his own drawing up to put in the same place.  
Dan was falling asleep in his chair now, so he decided to change and go to sleep.  
He smiled as he thought about the drawings and the adorably cheesy poems.  
Dan was going to dream happily tonight.  
-


	13. Exasperation Station

Phil received Dan's message early the next morning.  
He was overjoyed to see that Dan found the letters.  
He just hoped none of them were opened too soon.  
-  
Dan and his family had spent the entire day working.  
Dan's parents had been in the kitchen cooking, Adrian had helped tidy the living room, and Dan spent four hours cleaning every surface in the downstairs half of the house.  
They must have never cleaned. Dan felt like he had inhaled a thousand dust bunny corpses.  
Adrian nor Dan knew how many family members were coming over, but apparently it was enough to keep them cleaning for an entire twelve hours.  
Although, they couldn't complain. Dan's mum was fantastic at cooking sweets.  
The house smelled like the Pillsbury boy's butthole. The sweet aroma of vanilla had spread all throughout the house, masking the scent of any harsh cleaning products that would have left the vicinity smelling like a chemical lab.  
Dan's father had perfectly decorated the Christmas tree with colourful vintage baubles and radiant lights that lit up the room.  
They had placed small festive statues and trinkets on previously empty counters and tables.  
The dining room had been rearranged, there were now two extra seats and an additional table.  
There was plenty of food prepared. Dan and Adrian dipped their fingers in frosting like children with their hands in a cookie jar.  
Finally, the day had ended. Dan at entered his bedroom at last, now giving him a chance to open his daily letter from Phil.  
He hurried over to his black suitcase, unzipping the front pocket loudly. He reached into the pocket and took out the envelope titled "Day 3".  
Dan ran his finger under the paper, unsealing it.  
He pulled the note out of the envelope.   
Rather than seeing a poem, he jut saw a picture.   
There was the Phil stick figure standing in front of a cash register, seemingly paying for something.  
Letters were scattered around the image.  
"g n i w o d a h s e r o f"  
Dan turned the paper over, seeing nothing.  
 _"Maybe Phil didn't have anything to write that day."_ Dan thought to himself.  
That got Dan wondering when Phil actually wrote these.  
Dan shrugged and put it back in the envelope, placing it back into the pocket.  
He was curious about if those letters had any significance.   
Although, his curiosity wasn't pestering enough to keep him awake.  
His exhaustion was dragging him back to bed.  
Dan would have to get up at 8:30 the next morning.  
He hoped that he would wake up refreshed and invigorated instead of being tired and sluggish.  
Dan pulled his shirt off and threw it across the room, followed by removing his pants and tossing them into the depths of a corner.  
He hopped into bed and almost immediately fell asleep.  
-  
 **Tuesday, December 22, 2015. 8:30 AM**

Dan woke up to the familiar sound of his alarm clock, dreading to get out of bed.  
He slept four nine hours, but that didn't mean he wouldn't be all fatigued.  
Dan pulled himself out of bed and flopped on the floor, reaching for a pair of jeans he had neglected to put back in his suitcase the previous day. He stood up and pulled his pajama pants off.   
He pulled his jeans up all the way and-  
 _"The fuck?"_  
Dan's jeans wouldn't button.  
He could get them zipped up, but buttoning them was too uncomfortable. His jeans felt too tight at the waist.  
Dan rubbed his eyes and grabbed a different pair of jeans out of his suitcase.  
He pulled off his other ones and quickly put on a new pair.  
Too tight.  
He couldn't deal with being this uncomfortable all day.  
Dan slipped his pajama pants back on and threw on a long sleeve shirt.  
He walked into Adrian's room, seeing that he was awake through his open door.

"Do you have any pants that are too big for you?" Dan asked, twiddling his fingers together.

Adrian squinted.

"I don't think I do, ask dad maybe?" 

"Good idea." Dan nodded and dashed down the hallway.

He searched the house for his dad and finally found him in the dining room doing something on his phone.

"Hey do you have any pants that are too big for you?" Dan asked.

"I think I do, why?" His father asked, setting his phone down. 

Dan panicked.

"All my jeans are dirty and I want to wear something clean. I'm a bit taller than you, so your normal size probably wouldn't fit me y'know?" Dan lied.

"Ah, I see. I'll see if I can find you some." Dan's father bought it and walked off to go find jeans.

Dan let out his breath and sat down.  
Adrian walked in the room.

"Why do you want my jeans? Goddamn mooch." Adrian asked.

Dan shushed him.  
"I just needed bigger jeans." Dan answered.

"Yeah but why would you- oh. Wait, it's because- right. Right, right. You're pregnant so you need bigger jeans." Adrian mocked, tilting his head back and scoffing.

"Do you still not believe me?" Dan asked, feeling a bit annoyed that his own brother thought he would lie about something this serious.

"I don't know." Adrian slumped his shoulders. "I want to believe you, but something in the back of my head says you're making some kind of joke."

Dan shook his head.

Their father returned with a pair of jeans in his hand.

"Here's the only jeans I could find. They look like they'd fit you." He smiled and handed them to Dan.

Adrian raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Thank you." Dan replied and ran back into his room to change.

He quickly pulled off his pajama bottoms and pulled up the jeans his father had given him.  
They buttoned up easily; a little too easily.  
Dan didn't care, he brought a belt.  
He felt better knowing that he had clothes to wear.   
Dan rummaged through his suitcase and found a festive jumper. He put on an undershirt and pulled the jumper over his head.  
He walked back downstairs to see Adrian playing on his phone.  
"Do those fit alright?" Adrian asked.  
Dan turned around 360 degrees.  
"They fit fine." Dan replied.  
-  
 **11:40 AM**

Dan heard the doorbell ring.   
He ran to the door and opened it, plastering a smile on his face.  
It was his aunt and uncle.  
His aunt pulled him into a big hug.  
"Dan! It's been so long since we've been over! How are you? Where are your parents? Oh, and where's little Adrian?" She kept asking questions.  
Dan invited them inside and looked out the door before closing it. His mum was like a magnet- she immediately was seen talking to his aunt almost ten seconds after they had even walked though the door.  
His father walked towards Dan and leaned over, whispering.   
"You're on door duty, Adrian is on dog and food duty. Stay around here and wait for your cousins and grandparents to arrive. When your grandmother walks through this door, you immediately text me and alert me." Dan's father sounded undercover.  
"Okay. Why do you need to know when grandma arrives?" Dan asked.  
"She's my mother-in-law. Or should I say mother outlaw." He laughed at his own joke before pointing and snapping his fingers as he left the room.

So _that's_ where Dan gets it from.  
-

Another knock came from the door and Dan shot up to go answer it.

It was his grandparents.

"Good morning, dear." His grandma smiled and hugged him.

Dan remembered what his dad had told him.

"Come inside, make yourselves at home." Dan greeted them.

He pulled out his phone and texted his dad.

**To: Dad**   
_grandma is on the premises_

Dan pressed send and almost immediately felt his phone vibrate.

**From: Dad**   
_Dear God. Thx 4 the heads up._

Soon all of his family had migrated to different parts of the house.  
The women all entered the kitchen and started to set out food, and the men had all sat down in the living room.

Dan and Adrian were left to stand and wait by the door. 

"Did dad say which cousins were coming?" Dan asked.

"I think Julie and Dominic." Adrian replied, looking through the window.

"Speaking of Julie and Dominic, I think that's them." Said Adrian, pointing.

Dan opened the door and greeted the last guests to arrive.

This was going to be a long day.  
-

"Dan! Adrian! Come help set the table." Karen yelled.

"Coming!" Dan yelled back and ran into the kitchen.

Adrian grabbed napkins and glasses and started arranging them on the table. Dan picked up a shitload of cutlery and placed a fork and a knife on top of each napkin.  
Everyone grabbed a plate and began scooping food onto them. It looked like a tiny buffet in their kitchen.  
Dan filled his plate with food. He didn't even care if anyone saw, he was hungry as hell.

His family had all sat down at the table. Dan was about to pick up his fork when his grandma spoke.

"Should we say grace?" 

Nobody responded.

"Sure." Karen finally said something.

"Who would like to lead us in prayer?" His grandma asked.

Everyone was silent.

"You could?" Adrian asked quietly.

His grandma shrugged and clasped her hands together over her plate.

"Dear Lord, thank you for blessing us with this food and for allowing us to all be together this holiday," She thought for a moment, thinking of what to say.

Adrian peeked over to see why she stopped. 

"In Jesus name we pray, amen." She finished.

A few scattered "amen"s were heard and everyone picked up their forks, digging into dinner.

"This is really good, Karen! You outdid yourself." Dan's aunt complimented.

Dan wasn't even paying attention. He had eaten an entire spoonful of mashed potatoes and wasn't hesitant about getting seconds.  
He half of his plate, not even being five minutes into dinner.

"May I excuse myself to get seconds?" Dan asked in a slightly joking tone.

"Wow, you finished fast." Karen responded with a fixed gaze on Dan's plate.

Adrian shoved a large spoonful of peas into his mouth.

"I'll get more too." He said, standing up with a plate in hand.

Dan and Adrian walked back into the kitchen to get more on their plate.  
-

Dan was adding another slice of turkey onto his plate when he jolted slightly.  
"Ouch." Dan mumbled, a hand flying up to his stomach.

"What happened?" Adrian turned around.

"Stabbing sensation." Dan said plainly. 

"You probably ate too fast." Adrian suggested.

They returned to the dinner table.  
-

Dinner was almost over when Dan felt the stabbing sensation again.  
He leaned back in discomfort, trying not to make it obvious that he was in pain.  
Dan took a sip of water.  
The pain went away.

"Well, this was probably the most amazing dinner I had all year." Complimented Dan's cousin, standing up to go wash his plate off.   
"I agree." Said his uncle.

Dan stood up to go clean his plate when he felt the pain in his abdomen return.  
He squeezed his eyes shut.  
The pain subsided.

He felt slightly concerned, surely that wasn't from eating too fast.

Dan washed off his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Everyone had returned to their groups and started talking.  
Adrian had grouped up with Julie and Dominic, chatting with them at the dining table.

Dan turned the corner.  
 _"Shit."_ Dan groaned.

He got worried.  
He decided to text Phil.

**To: Phil**   
_hey not to alarm you but my stomach hurts kinda badly. Tell me if you can talk_

Dan must of had a disgruntled look on his face. Adrian stood up from talking to Julie and Dominic, walking over to Dan.

"You okay? You're a little pale." Adrian asked, concerned.

Dan lowered his voice.

"I keep getting that stabbing sensation." 

"How many times?" Adrian asked.

"Like five or six. It happened all through dinner." Dan said, crossing his arms over his stomach.

Adrian looked back to see if anyone was listening.

"It might be appendicitis or something." Adrian said.

Dan's heart started beating faster.

"Oh shit." He bit his lip.

"Tell me if it keeps hurting." Adrian asked, looking sincere.  
-

**10:36 PM**

Dan's stabbing sensation hadn't gone away.  
He and Phil had been texting back and forth.

**From: Phil**   
_How are you feeling?_

 

**To: Phil**   
_it still hurts. idk what to do._

 

Phil started getting anxious.

 

**From: Phil**   
_I know this sounds crazy, but I could meet you at a &e if it gets worse._

That was crazy. Dan didn't want to explain everything to another doctor and get them involved.

**From: Phil**   
_I have Dr. Elson and Karina in my phone. They can meet us halfway. I'm serious._

 

**To: Phil**   
_dw. it'll probably feel better later._

Phil didn't think it would feel better. He didn't understand how Dan was coping with it so well.

Dan set his phone aside and laid back in his bed.  
The pain came back.

He rubbed small circles on his stomach and closed his eyes, hoping the stabbing sensation would go away.

Dan sat up in bed and breathed through his mouth, trying not to make a loud noise.

Then the pain _really_ hit.


	14. No Pain No (weight) Gain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is 4:01 AM.  
> I can't sleep.
> 
> (Who even needs sleep when you have fuckin coffee?)

Dan groaned from the pain, stopping himself in fear of someone hearing.  
It was getting worse.

**To: Phil**  
_okay fine tell them to meet us somewhere_

 

-  
Phil received Dan's message and called Dr. Elson immediately.

There were a few rings, but he finally picked up.

"Hello? Phil?" Dr. Elson asked.

"Hey, sorry to call you on such short notice and so late at night." Phil apologized.

"It's alright. What's going on?" 

"Dan's been having what he describes as a 'stabbing sensation' in his stomach for the last few hours. We don't know what's wrong." Phil said.

"That doesn't sound good. Did he say which side it was on?" Dr. Elson sounded more intrigued now.

"He didn't say. I'll text him and ask." 

Phil texted Dan.

The phone buzzed.

"He said it's all around his lower abdomen." Phil responded, starting to panic.

"That definitely doesn't sound good." Dr. Elson responded, afraid something was going wrong.

"I could meet you tomorrow and we could check it out?" Dr. Elson suggested.

"Is there any way we could meet tonight?" Phil asked.

Dr. Elson chuckled.

"I don't think so. It's nearly 11 PM."

Phil sighed.

"Please? I will pay you as much as you want." Phil pleaded, feeling a little juvenile for begging.

"I'm afraid not. I'm sorry." Dr. Elson apologized.

"Shit. Alright." Phil said.

Suddenly Dr. Elson sounded more electrified.

"Wait, I just remembered something. Karina is friends with a nurse who works at the hospital in Birmingham, I reckon you could trust her with Dan's case. She works the night shift." He piped up.

"That's great! Thank you! What is her name?" Phil asked.

"I think I recall her surname being Audley, if I'm not mistaken." 

"Thank you so much. You're a life saver." Phil responded gratefully.  
-

Dan's phone rang.

"Phil?"

"Dan! Good news!" 

"What, will the pain stop?" Dan asked, wrapping his arm around his stomach.

"Hopefully. There's a nurse who works at the hospital in Birmingham that is friends with Karina. We can trust her." Phil responded.

"Birmingham? That's an hour away. We wouldn't get back before sunrise." Dan pointed out.

"That's the closest and most convenient place for us to meet halfway. Do you want to find out why you're in pain or not?" Phil asked.

"Fine. I'll meet you there. Text me when you're on your way out." Dan agreed, another wave of pain hitting him.  
-

Dan changed clothes and put his phone in his pocket, followed by his wallet.  
It occurred to him that his only way of transportation would be by car.  
He didn't know where the keys were, and his license was probably expired.

Dan snuck out the door and walked downstairs, trying to be as quiet as possible.  
He looked on the counter for the car keys but couldn't find them.  
Dan turned around and saw Adrian standing next to him.

"Holy fuck, where did you come from?" Dan asked, breathing heavily.

"I saw you walking downstairs. Where are you going?" Adrian asked.

Dan remembered that Adrian had his license.

"Birmingham, and you're coming with me." Dan stated.

Adrian looked confused.

"I never agreed to spontaneously go to Birmingham with you at 11 o'clock at night."

"Can you?" Dan asked.

"Why do you need to go to fucking Birmingham?" Adrian asked, scratching his head.

"I need to go to the hospital and get checked out. The stabbing pain is getting worse. I'm afraid something is wrong." Dan explained.

"Why can't you just go to the one here?" Adrian asked as if this option was obvious.

"I can't just go anywhere with my body. My doctor is friends with someone who works at the Birmingham hospital." Dan replied, anxious to leave.

Adrian crossed his arms.

"Are you sure you can't just take some over the counter medicine? Driving to a completely different city seems a bit inconvenient, don't you think?"

"If you come with me I can prove it." Dan reiterated. 

"Prove what?" Adrian asked.

Dan didn't want to say it out loud.  
"Prove _it_. That secret. The one you think I'm bullshitting you about." Dan tried to sound convincing.

Adrian thought for a moment.

"Okay, fine. I'm in.

-

**11:52 AM**

Phil reached the hospital earlier than Dan and decided to see what he could do.  
He approached the front counter, greeted by a half asleep receptionist.  
"May I help you?" She asked mid-yawn.  
Phil yawned in response.  
"Is there someone named Audley here?" Phil asked, forgetting whether she was a doctor or a nurse.  
The receptionist tapped her cheek and squinted her eyes.  
"Are you looking for Melissa Audley? She's a nurse."   
Phil didn't ask Dr. Elson what her first name was.  
He took a wild guess.  
"Yes, where could I speak to her?" Phil asked.  
The receptionist checked the clock.  
"Right now I think she's on break. Come back in about five minutes, she can assist you then." She drank a sip of her coffee.

Phil didn't want to lie.  
He was a good liar, but he didn't like lying.  
Although, in times like these, it was a helpful trait to have.

"She's on break? Even better! I'm a friend of her's. I was hoping to chat with her about something when she wasn't working. Melissa is terribly busy these days." Phil nearly pissed himself out of fear.

The receptionist looked like she had been awoken.  
"Oh, alright. She is in the break room. If you take the lift up to the second floor, go down the hallway on your left. The break room has a notably different door, you should be able to tell which one it is." 

Phil mentally cheered.  
"Thank you."  
-

Phil texted Dan in the lift.

 

**To: Dan**   
_How far away are you?_

 

The doors opened and he walked out of the lift.

 

**From: Dan**   
_about fifteen minutes_

 

Phil didn't have much time.  
He walked down the left hallway and spotted a door with a much larger window compared to the others.  
There was a sign next to it labeled "Break Room".  
 _"Well no shit."_ Phil thought to himself.  
He hesitantly opened the door.

"Hello?" He asked timorously.

Melissa sat up after hearing an unfamiliar voice.  
"Who is this?" She asked.

"Is Melissa Audley here?" Phil entered the room and found a woman with dark red hair and brown glasses sitting at the table, indulgently eating a muffin.

She set the muffin down when Phil sat in front of her.

"Sorry to suddenly show up without any notice. I'm a good friend of Karina's." Phil over exaggerated his relationship with Karina.

Melissa seemed to calm down.

"Did she refer you to see me? It's quite late to come here." She laughed.

"That's where it gets weird." Phil started.

"You are definitely one of Karina's patients." Melissa mumbled.  
-

Dan was now experiencing dull aches where he had previously felt as if he were being stabbed.  
This calmed him down.  
Sudden spikes of pain in no detectable pattern were obviously panic inducing.

"How much longer?" Dan asked, whining.  
"Probably like five minutes. We're really close." Adrian checked the GPS.  
Dan sat silently, staring out the window.  
He watched the buildings go by in a blur. He observed all of the other cars that passed them.  
Dan wondered where they could be going at this time on a Tuesday night.

"Thank you for taking me all the way down here. I really appreciate it." Dan looked at Adrian.

"No problem. You're my brother. I know that you would do the same for me." Adrian replied, still keeping his eyes on the road.

Adrian broke his focus on driving and looked at Dan for a moment.

"How's the pain?" Adrian asked with a concerned look on his face.

"It's getting better. Except now I'm a bit nauseas." Dan admitted.

Adrian widened his eyes.

"Should I pull over?"

"No, no. It's not that bad. At least it's not as strong as it was a few weeks ago." Dan looked as if he was fading into a dark memory.

Adrian glanced at him, waiting to hear what had happened.

"Well?" He asked impatiently.

"Me and Phil were at this restaurant for a meeting and I was ill as fuck. I sat through the entire night trying ridiculously hard not to projectile vomit on the table." Dan said.

"Damn. What did you do?" Adrian asked, interested.

"I ran into the bathroom and vomited. That was the start of the morning sickness shit. It lasted for like a two weeks, I couldn't keep anything down." Dan made hand motions as he spoke.

Adrian tried not to roll his eyes.  
It felt like Dan having the ability to bear children was too far fetched.  
His mum explained Dan's extra organs, but she never mentioned that they worked.  
The whole concept seemed implausible. 

"I bet that must have sucked." Adrian replied, deciding not to argue.  
-

Phil had acquainted with Melissa. She understood the whole situation and never commented on it being peculiar or weird.  
Melissa acted a lot like Karina. Phil could see why they were friends.  
She agreed to keep the case classified, but with this knowledge comes great responsibility.  
Responsibilities such as keeping it a secret from anyone else working in the hospital right now. 

She and Phil had thought of an intricate plan to seem as casual as possible. 

Phil would be Melissa's "long time friend" who had come to town for Christmas. Melissa would like to give Phil and his 'brother' a tour of the hospital, and conveniently spend an unpredictable amount of time in an exam room.

Phil thought this plan was foolproof.   
All he needed to do was find out where Dan was.

 

**To: Dan**   
_How far are u now?_

 

He waited.

No instant response.

Phil decided to casually talk about some things as he walked into the lobby with Melissa.

"Do you remember the time we chased those raccoons out of the parking lot?" Phil asked, pretending to reminisce.

Melissa made a convincing laugh.

"I remember that! There were tons of them! Those were the days."

The receptionist watched them talk. Phil couldn't tell if she was a bitch or if she was just tired.

"Anne, this is Phil. He's been friends with me for ages." Melissa said to the receptionist, dragging out the last word.

Anne wiped her nose and sniffed. 

"Hi Phil." She said, sounding uninterested.

Melissa explained how she wanted to show Phil and his brother around the building.  
Anne looked confused.

"Why does he want to see a hospital?" She asked, ignoring Phil's presence.

Melissa was caught off guard.

"Uh, I'm in medical school. I'm going to be working in a hospital soon, so since my best friend-" Phil pulled Melissa into a hug with one arm.  
"Is working in one, I thought it would be nice to check out the environment I'll be spending my days in." 

Anne blinked slowly.

"Knock yourselves out. Have fun." Anne said, unamused.

Phil turned around to see someone walking inside.

It was Dan.

 

"Hey bro! It's nice to finally see you again." Phil tried to sound excited.   
Seeing Dan in person rose his fear levels.  
Phil could see the pain in Dan's eyes. He knew the face Dan made when he was in agony.

"Just go with it." Phil whispered before Dan could respond.

"Should I begin the tour?" Melissa asked, opening the door.

Adrian walked through the door, slipping the car keys in his pocket.

"You brought our cousin along? Boy did I miss him!" Phil improvised.

Adrian tilted his head, narrowing his eyes.

"I'll explain later, just go with it." Phil whispered, hugging Adrian.

Adrian's facial expression changed.

"Nice to see you again!" He said with little enthusiasm, unsure of what was going on.

Melissa motioned for Phil to come.  
-

Everyone stepped in the lift and Phil explained the situation.

"If anyone asks, Dan is my brother and Adrian is our cousin. Melissa is my close friend who we are visiting from out of town. Got it?" 

Dan and Adrian nodded.

Melissa held her hand out.

"Hi, I'm Melissa Audley. I'm Karina's friend. You're the one I'll be seeing, correct?"

Dan shook her hand and nodded.

The lift stopped on the third floor. Melissa led them to the furthest room.

She opened the door and sat down in a rolling chair.  
Dan took a seat on the examination table.  
Phil and Adrian stood to the side, neglecting the two seats they could have sat in.

"Phil explained the whole situation. I promise I'll keep this all a secret." Melissa looked at Dan over her glasses.

"Thank you." Dan said, feeling guilty for having to come here in the first place.

"Alrighty then, let's get started. Phil said you were feeling sharp pains in your abdominal area?" Melissa asked, writing on a clipboard.

"Yes. It started out around here," Dan pointed to his left side.  
"Then I felt it right here," He poked just below his bellybutton.  
"And now it's a dull ache all around this area." Dan made a circling motion around his stomach.

Melissa tapped her pen on the desk.

"Could it possibly have been something you ate?" She asked.

Dan thought for a moment.

"I ate mashed potatoes, peas, corn, turkey, and a few pieces of bread." 

"You also ate fruit with me earlier." Adrian chimed in.

Dan was glad he brought his brother.

"Yeah, also pineapple and a few berries." Dan added.

Melissa had a pensive expression on her face.

"Pineapple is very acidic and has a enzymes in it that give some people stomachaches. That would explain a dull ache." She suggested.

Phil looked worried. He hoped nothing was wrong with the baby.

"The sharp pains, however, seem like an odd thing to have without reason." Melissa thought out loud.

"Phil told me about your baby, and although I feel like the pain you described isn't affecting it, I feel like we should check. Just to be safe." 

Adrian nearly gasped.  
Dan wasn't kidding.   
He _was_ serious. 

Melissa opened the door and took them to a room across the hall.  
Dan felt like he had gone through this procedure too many times.  
He sat on the bed and waited for the equipment to be turned on.

Phil fiddled with his hands.  
Adrian didn't know what to say. He could have sworn Dan had made this all up.

Melissa turned on the device and Dan laid back, lifting his shirt.

Adrian watched her put the gel on his skin and move the wand around, just like they did to women in movies.  
It almost felt surreal after being so assured that this was all a joke.

Melissa stared at the screen.  
Nothing came up.  
Phil started biting his nails.  
Dan's heartbeat accelerated.

"Forgive me, I'm not the best at using these things." Melissa apologized.

She moved the wand around again.

"There you are!" Melissa said almost triumphantly.  
-

Melissa went into another room to go research a few things.  
Dan, Phil, and Adrian were left alone in the original examination room they were in.

"You weren't kidding." Adrian said with his arms crossed, looking down.  
"I can't believe you thought I was joking." Dan replied.  
Phil suddenly stood up and hugged Dan.

"I just realized I hadn't done that yet." Phil mentioned.

"I missed you." Dan said, forgetting Adrian was in the room.

"I missed you too. You really scared me though." Phil smiled softly.

They stopped talking.   
Phil sat next to Dan on the table.

"Your brother?" Dan asked, beginning to laugh.  
"What?" Phil asked.  
"In the cover up story I'm your brother? That's hilarious, oh my god."   
"Imagine if you guys kissed and the lady up front lost her shit." Adrian giggled.

Melissa walked back in.  
"Okay, I have some good news and bad news." 

Dan grabbed Phil's hand.

"The good news: your baby is fine and perfectly healthy." Melissa smiled, seeing their faces light up.

"The bad news is that you might experience more pain like this. I have come to the conclusion that the pain was from your body adjusting." She added.

"Oh fucklesticks." Dan murmured.

"Your organs are moving around and your hips are widening. That sounds drastic, but it's only changing a small size." Melissa explained.

"Can I take anything to relieve the pain?" Dan asked.

"As far as I know, medications won't help. They honestly aren't good for you. Whether you're pregnant or not, natural remedies should always be a first resort. I know it sounds odd coming from someone who works in a hospital and is used to recommending pharmaceuticals." 

"Oh god." Dan said plainly.

"Although, I would advise you to get a heating pad. These are like menstrual cramps. I know all about how to treat shit like this." Melissa said.

Phil was surprised she cursed.  
-

Dan, Phil, and Adrian exited the hospital. 

Dan hugged Phil tightly.   
"Thank you for coming down here. I love you." Dan said quietly.

"I love you too." Phil smiled.

"I guess I'll see you in a few days." Dan felt like crying. He didn't want Phil to leave.

"Yep, the 26th?" Phil asked.

"I think so." Dan replied.

Adrian hugged Phil (much less intimately than Dan) and got back in the car, turning on the heater. 

"I love the notes you left me in my suitcase." Dan mentioned.

Phil smiled from ear to ear.

"You will love them even more as the days go by."   
-

Anne looked out the window and watched the brothers that had just toured the hospital. 

"That's kinda close for two brothers to get." She said out loud, despite being alone in the room.

-

Dan grabbed Phil and kissed him passionately, running his fingers through Phil's hair. 

Anne stared at them, horrified.

Phil moved his hand down to Dan's ass.

Anne fainted.


	15. Hesitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohrjefklsd oh god sorry for not updating in nine days. I've been busy with srs bsnss.  
> also sorry this is such a short chapter, I wrote it at like 2 AM. (but I'm still happy with it anyway)

**December 29th, 2015. Three days overdue to be home.**

Dan and Phil had planned on returning to London the day after Christmas.  
That didn't go as planned.  
Of course, nothing was going along with their plans at this point.

Things had changed, mostly for the better.

Dan's pain had stopped.

Adrian's doubt was gone.

Their parents were oblivious to everything going on.

Today they were finally going home. Dan had planned on meeting Phil at the train station.  
It didn't matter who got there first or how cold it was- they would wait for each other.

Dan was now sat on the train, contemplating the messages Phil had left in his suitcase.

Phil's letters and poems had stopped on the 26th; the day they had planned on coming home.  
They got sillier as the days progressed. They began to sound more like something Phil would write.  
But the last letter was much different.  
This page had no drawings or doodles. It had no stick figure Dan and Phils reenacting memorable times in their lives.  
There were only words filling the page.

_"Dan,_  
I'm serious this time, more serious than ever.  
I love you with all of my heart and I want to stay with you forever.  
You know me so well. You know I'm strategic.  
Look back at day 3, try to decode my trick.  
Today when we meet again, look straight into my eyes.  
For the future holds you a great surprise." 

The edges of the page were worn from Dan rereading the letter every day. 

He was confused. 

_"Trick?"_ Dan asked himself, scanning over page three for what felt like the hundredth time.

He opened the third letter again.

Suddenly it hit him.

The letters. 

"g n i w o d a h s e r o f"

Dan tried scrambling the letters to get a word out of it. This had to be some kind of cryptic message.

The only ones he could find were irrelevant and misleading: horse down, ass wood, dog wof, rod wog.

He began typing them out in a note on his phone.

Nothing made sense.

"Are you playing one of those scrambled word games?" A voice asked from behind him.

Dan flinched.

"Yeah, I can't figure this one out." Dan lied.

An old man who looked to be in his early 70's leaned over the bench and stared at the letters on Dan's phone at the top of the note.

"Foreshadowing." He said clearly.

Dan turned his head to look at the man.

"Foreshadowing?"

"Yes. Write the letters backwards." The old man pulled a folded up word puzzle out of his coat pocket.

Dan watched as he opened it and pointed at scrambled words.

"Sometimes your answer is in plain sight." The elderly man circled words with his finger on his word puzzle.

"Thank you, sir." Dan smiled.

The man sat back on his bench, leaving Dan alone to decode the message.

_Foreshadowing._

"Foreshadowing what?" Dan overanalyzed the letter in his hands.  
-

Phil checked the time.

**3:47 PM**

Dan's train should arrive at any minute.

Phil slipped his hands into his coat pockets. He felt a side of the box graze against his finger.

Phil sighed.  
-

The train stopped.  
Dan stood up and grabbed his luggage, scurrying out the door.  
He looked around the room for Phil.   
No sign of him.  
Dan walked towards the wall and stared at the back of the room.  
Phil said they would meet here.  
Dan reached for his phone and was stopped by the feeling of a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey stranger." Phil smirked.

Dan resisted his urge to hug Phil, remembering they were in public.

He stared deep into Phil's eyes. 

Phil was confused, but stared back at Dan without blinking.

"Foreshadowing." Dan said eagerly. 

Phil knew what he was doing now.

"Correct." Phil smiled, pulling Dan's sleeve as he walked towards the stairs.  
-

Dan and Phil had exchanged stories on the way home.  
Phil explained how great his grandfather was at playing Mario Kart and ranted about how difficult it was to "compete against such a driving legend" in a video game.  
Dan listened and enjoyed the sound of Phil's voice. He could listen to him tell stories for hours, now realizing how much he missed Phil.  
They both had gotten quiet after entering their flat and turning the lights on.  
Phil took their suitcases into his bedroom and threw himself on the bed, sprawling out comfortably.  
Dan trailed behind him and took his pants off.  
"My jeans barely fit now." Dan said, throwing them across the room and lying face down on the bed.  
"I'm sure you won't be wearing skinny jeans for the next seven months." Phil giggled.  
Dan jokingly pretended to cry.  
The edge of Phil's tongue slipped between his teeth as he laughed.  
Dan smiled softly at the sound of Phil's laughter. That's something he hadn't heard in ten days.  
-

**10:00 PM**

Dan was fast asleep. Taking a hot shower made him tired, especially since he hadn't slept in three days. The holidays were tiring.

Phil remembered what was buried in his coat pocket.  
Should he take it out?  
He could hide it.  
Or he could give it to Dan like he planned on doing.  
He thought he had the courage to give it to Dan, but for some reason he couldn't do it.  
There was no doubt that Phil wanted to. He had been thinking about this for a long time.  
The only thing stopping him was that little voice in the back of his head saying now wasn't the right time and it was a bad idea.  
Phil feared that he would lose it if it remained in his coat pocket.  
Checking that Dan was still in peaceful slumber, Phil gently slid out of bed and tip toed to the lounge.   
He grabbed the object out of his pocket and pondered where he should hide it.

Under the bed? No.  
Inside a cabinet? Nah.  
In a drawer? Maybe.

Phil made the decision of hiding it in his underwear drawer. Dan never looks in there.

Phil quietly made his way back to the bedroom and opened the drawer, hiding the object under a stack of his boxers.

As he laid back in bed, Dan rolled over.

He sat up slowly with his eyes still closed.

"Where did you go?" Dan asked, slightly parting his eyes and feeling for Phil in the pitch black room.

Phil's heart felt like it started beating irregularly.

"I went to go get something to drink." He lied.

Dan nearly drifted off to sleep when he remembered what he had been dreaming.

"Phil?" Dan asked.

"Yes?" Phil wrapped his arm around Dan.

"What was the surprise you said in the letter?" Dan had opened his eyes a bit more.

Phil couldn't say it.

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you." He said, tracing shapes onto Dan's exposed skin with his finger.

Dan let out a muffled "hrmmf" and drifted back to sleep.

Phil would try tomorrow.


	16. Proposals and Propositions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a train violently honking outside wtf like I'm trying to write fanfiction at 2 AM could you please refrain

**Wednesday January 20th, 2015. 3:00 PM**  
-

Dan and Phil decided to wait for the US tour. They realized how difficult it would be to cover up the evidence of Dan's "condition", not to mention how incredibly dangerous it could be for him to prance around on stage.  
Tina finally set up a date where they could meet and discuss things. Phil didn't mention that they wanted to cancel, primarily because he dreaded to explain the reason.  
He also didn't mention to Dan the tiny box that he stowed away in his drawer.  
The timing didn't seem right, considering the fact they had been incredibly busy.  
-

"Phil! Where is the straightener?" Dan yelled from his room.

"I don't know where did you last see it?" Phil yelled in response.

Dan looked behind his bed. He could have sworn the straightener was used in his room last.

Both of them had their doors open. Phil watched as Dan lifted up pillows and searched through drawers.

Phil looked in his own drawer, slowly reaching for the small box. He opened it and admired the metal inside. Phil couldn't think of a good place to pop the question.  
Dan walked through Phil's door and looked under his bed.  
Phil gasped and shut the box quickly, causing it to make a hushed snapping sound. Dan turned around.

"What?" Phil asked, slamming his drawer shut.

"I can't find it." Dan sat on the bed.

Phil exhaled. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind you showing up with curly hair. It's only a bit wavy right now, you wouldn't look too out of the ordinary." 

"I don't know." Dan muttered.

Phil laid down next to him and gazed at the ceiling. Dan rolled over and extended his arm across Phil's chest, along with his left leg over Phil's. 

"What's wrong?" Phil asked sympathetically.

"The BBC," Dan sounded like a teenager complaining about homework.

Phil realized why Dan was on edge about the BBC.

"How much longer will I be able to hide on the radio show? This whole situation is going to raise more suspicion than we thought, Phil." 

Phil didn't know what to do, or frankly what to say.

"Shit." Phil muttered.  
-

**5:24 PM**

Dan and Phil took their seats and waited for Tina.

"Family emergency or health crisis?" Dan asked.

"Family emergency. If your wellbeing was the reason that we had to cancel the tour, I'm sure that Tina wouldn't be the only one concerned." Phil explained, keeping in mind that lying is a precarious habit they should avoid as much as possible.

They spotted a familiar woman pass through the door and make her way towards Dan and Phil's table. 

_"Here goes nothing."_ Dan thought to himself.

Tina sat down and shook hands with each of them. 

"Hello! How are you two doing?" She asked, resting her elbows on the table and clasping her hands together. Tina's bracelets lightly clattered against one another as she moved her arms.

"We are doing great, for the most part." Dan tried to open a door to the next conversation.

However, this did nothing. Tina went straight forward and began explaining how many venues had already accepted their offers.  
The conversation definitely wasn't going as planned.

Phil took lead in the conversation.

"Theoretically speaking, would we be able to postpone the tour if there were- I don't know, ah, um, a family emergency or something?" Phil had almost forgotten their excuse.

Tina paused and thought to herself.

"That certainly would be difficult to manage. Most of the venues have already made plans in a schedule for the shows." Tina seemed to laugh it off. Maybe asking in theory wasn't a good idea.

"Although, you will be gone for a fairly short time. The tour will only last around a month and a half, so I'm sure that rescheduling wouldn't be a problem for _every_ building that you are scheduled to perform in. " She added.

"How much could we rearrange our whole agenda?" Phil asked, subconsciously tapping his foot.

"Is there something wrong?" Tina noticed his behaviour. 

Phil opened his mouth to speak but Dan piped up.

"Not at all, we were just trying to familiarize ourself with how the tour will work."

Phil nudged Dan's foot under the table.

"That's understandable." Tina smiled.

This time, Phil was the one who stayed silent.  
-

"I can't _believe_ you said there was nothing wrong!" Phil was livid.

Dan shut the door behind them. 

"I had a breakthrough. We can totally hide this for two months." Dan explained, thinking his idea was faultless.

Phil huffed. "Are you sure you didn't confuse a period of two months away from home with two months of being pregnant? Are you out of your mind? By then you will be like five months along. Google it, there's no way you can hide that."

Dan crossed his arms, glaring at Phil. He continued walking up the stairs.

"Don't patronize me, Lester."

"Lester? Shut up." Phil rolled his eyes.

Dan sped up his pace and hurried to the lounge. 

Phil didn't bother trying to catch up.

He walked through the door and saw Dan sitting on the sofa.

"Dan, I'm not trying to patronize you or criticize you. I don't know what the hell you're on about. I'm just trying to explain why-"

Dan threw a pillow at Phil's face.

Phil halted.

"I don't need a fucking explanation. Don't try to tell me what I can and can't hide." Dan stood up and left the room.

Sighing, Phil picked up the pillow and tossed it back on the couch. He looked out the door to see Dan's door slam shut.

_"Well fuck."_  
-

Dan had been locked in his room for an hour.   
Of course, Phil knew he couldn't stay angry forever. This was just one of Dan's little temper tantrums.

Phil carelessly walked into Dan's room, knowing that knocking would work to no avail.  
He saw no sign of Dan.   
He wasn't in the bed, beside the bed, at his desk, or sitting in the beanbag chair.  
Phil panicked and intended to search for anything missing in case Dan left the house, but stopped when he saw someone lying on his bed.

Phil sat on the bed and Dan rested his head on Phil's chest.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you." He said quietly.

"Don't worry about it." Phil stroked Dan's head, moving his fringe back. 

They laid there silently. Their breathing patterns began to sync up.   
Dan looked up. Phil gently kissed his forehead.

"I think we can hide it. I did a bit of research when I was in my room." Dan tried to persuade Phil.

"I thought about it as well. After all, I'm sure nobody would suspect what is really going on." Phil admitted.

Dan nodded.

"I love you." Dan's eyes glistened with tears. 

Phil moved over and got out of bed. He opened his drawer and lifted up a pair of underwear, revealing the small black box.  
Phil stared at it. Was this the right time to do it? It felt right. Of course he couldn't do this in public, so clearly doing it at home or in private would be the only option.

Dan raised an eyebrow. What the hell was Phil doing?

"Close your eyes." Phil instructed.

Dan closed his eyes.

Phil grabbed the box out of his underwear drawer and knelt down next to the bed.

"Don't open them until I say so." 

Dan nodded.

"I love you too. I've loved you with all my heart since day one. It's amazing how you used to be that guy who commented on my videos and now we have a whole life together, not to mention that we are starting a family. You've helped me through tough times, and I've been by your side in the same situations. You're the first person I can truly and honestly say that I love unconditionally. That will never change. I will always love you, no matter what happens. We've been through so much together, and at this point we are inseparable. That being said, I think it's only fair for me to do this," Phil's voice changed and sounded one hundred percent wholehearted.

Phil carefully flipped up the top of the box.

"Open."

Dan opened his eyes and saw a tiny black box housing a silver ring. An irrepressible smile stretched across his face as he covered his mouth.

"Daniel James Howell, will you marry me?" Phil looked into Dan's eyes.

Dan's face was a waterfall of tears. He wiped his eyes.

"Yes!" Dan sniffed and got up out of the bed, running towards Phil.

Phil was met with a warm embrace.

Dan pulled away, a smile still covering his face.

Phil delicately held Dan's hand and slipped the ring onto his finger. 

Dan put his hands on Phil's shoulders and hovered his lips over Phil's. Phil kissed Dan passionately.   
Dan paused.

"Foreshadowing and the cash register and the- now I get it." Dan laughed.

Phil pulled Dan back into a hug and gently rocked side to side.

Now was definitely the right time.


	17. Chicken Soup for the Shut the Fuck Up

"Phil?" 

"Hey, what's up?" Phil asked, balancing the phone in between his shoulder and his cheek.

"I just left the airport." 

Dan started biting his nails.

"Oh, good. How was Sri Lanka?" Phil asked.

"Sri Lanka was nice, it had beautiful scenery and gargantuan elephants. Although, there was one slight disturbance in the force." Dan sighed.

"Shit, what happened?" 

"I'll explain when I get home."  
-

**February 20th, 2016. Somewhere in a Sri Lankan hotel.**

Dan's mum had noticed his suspicious activity. He wasn't being himself- there was something much different about him. She just couldn't put her finger on it.

She noticed how much he would eat, how he frequently would use the restroom, and how he always seemed to have his arms crossed a bit lower than his chest or a hoodie on.  
Was he depressed? His behaviour wasn't something she was going to let slide.  
It was now 12:00 AM. Dan's grandmother had gone to sleep, leaving Dan and his mother alone.

Karen was apprehensively tapping on the side of her phone and staring at the floor. Dan was sat in a chair watching TV.

"Dan, can I ask you a question?" Karen asked, folding her hands and placing them on her lap.

Dan lowered the volume and turned to face his mother.

"Sure, what's up?" He replied.

"Is everything going okay at home?" 

Dan gulped. She was on to him.

"Yeah, everything is fine. Why?" He asked.

"You just seem a bit, well, different. I'm afraid you are depressed or that you are having problems. It's quite obvious there is something wrong." Karen pointed out.

_Shit shit shit shit shit._

"I'm perfectly fine, rest assured. I am definitely not depressed." Dan smiled.

"Are you sick?" 

"No. I'm pristinely healthy." 

Karen let out a loud exhale 

"Alright. I'm just making sure." 

 

**12:45 AM**

Dan's mum was awoken by the sound of retching coming from the bathroom.

She darted through the door to see Dan with his face hovering over the toilet.

"Dan, honey, what's wrong?" Karen asked frantically.

"I'm fine, go back to bed." Dan stabilized himself.

"I most certainly will not go back to bed, Daniel. I wake up to the sound of you dry heaving and you say that you're fine? Something is going on, and I'm not leaving this spot until you come clean." Karen crossed her arms.

Dan felt like he had just been slapped across the face. He didn't want to tell her.

"I'm a bit sick." He lied.

She brushed Dan's fringe out of his face and looked him dead in the eyes. She pressed the back of her hand against Dan's forehead and checked him for fever.

"No you're not." She replied, concisely. 

Dan sat on the counter.

"Tell me." Karen commanded.

"I can't." 

Dan realized this was the wrong thing to say.

"I'm your mother, you can tell me anything." Karen put her arm around Dan.

"Fuck." Dan mumbled.

"It's okay, take your time." She sat next to him.

Dan swung his feet back and forth, carefully pulling them back so that they would silently hit the edge of the cabinet beneath him.

"You know those, uh," Dan couldn't finish his sentence.

Karen fiddled with her wedding ring as she waited for Dan to speak.

"My 'extra organs'?" Dan made quotations in the air with his fingers.

Karen nodded.

"When we first found out about them, did the doctors explain what was functioning and what wasn't?" He asked.

She tilted her head to the side, recollecting what the doctors had told her.

"They said you had one functioning ovary, I believe. They told me it probably wouldn't continue working past age sixteen." Karen replied.

"You knew? Why didn't you tell me?" Dan asked.

Dan kept in mind that this would force him to tell her about he and Phil's relationship.

"I didn't think it would matter. You knew they were there, it's not like they affected you with periods or anything like that." Karen shrugged.

"Alright, that's understandable. Did it ever cross your mind that I could- uh, conceive?" Dan replied dubiously.

Karen widened her eyes.

"Not really. Where is this conversation going?" 

"Where do you _think_ it's going, mum?" Dan leaned his head against the wall.

"You say conceive as in conceive a child? Like have children? That's a bit far fetched. I don't think it is possible." She explained.

Dan laughed.

"Tell that to the doctor who took my ultrasound last month." His voice broke in the middle of his sentence.

Karen gasped.

"You can't be-"

"Nobody believes me." Dan rolled his eyes.

Her eyes bounced from looking at Dan to his stomach.

"Who the hell did you have sex with?" Karen asked, shocked.

"Your oddly-internally-structured son tells you that he is pregnant and the first thing that comes to mind is who he had sex with? Take a wild guess." 

"Wait, okay, you don't have a girlfriend. Then again, a woman couldn't make you-"

"It was a man, clearly."

"Phil? No no no, goddammit. It can't be Phil. He isn't the kind of guy to-"

"It was Phil." Dan rubbed his itching eyes.

They stopped speaking for a moment.

"How did you even find out? Was this planned?" Karen asked.

"Hell no, this is the furthest thing from planned. I thought I had the flu, then we went to the doctor and they ran a few tests on me and they made me have an ultrasound and the doctor shit himself and told me I was the first man to get pregnant and blah blah blah." Dan spoke quickly.

Karen let everything sink in.

"So are you planning on keeping it?" She asked quietly. 

Dan felt like crying.

Wait, what?

He never got emotional about this. It was always more of an "accepting what life threw at you" thing rather than "this child is a blessing to the both of us" thing.

"Yes. There will be challenges like the Brits, the tour, and generally carrying a child but I guess I can handle it." Dan scratched his head.

Karen shook her head.

"Dan, I want you to know that I fully support you in anything you do. As a person who has been pregnant twice, I will try to help you every step of the way. I won't even go into depth with how unsafe it is for you to be out there like that when you are in this condition, but there is one thing I would like to ask of you when this is all over." 

"What would that be?" Dan asked.

"I want to see my grandchild _at least_ once a month." Karen smiled.  
-

 

"So that's what happened," Dan finished explaining how everything went with his mother.

"She was completely supportive?" Phil asked.

"Yep." 

"She didn't care that we are in a relationship? And a serious one at that."

"Nope." 

"There was no shame in us having sex? She didn't condemn you for having unprotected sex with a man?" 

"Did you really have to spell it out, Phil?"

"Sorry."

Dan sipped his coffee and balanced it on his stomach, gently placing his arms on either side of himself.

"That's going to fall." Phil giggled.

"Nah, it'll stay still. I breathe softly." Dan concentrated on the cup. It wouldn't be difficult to keep it there, considering how flat Dan's stomach still was.

"The way you breathe in the bedroom begs to differ." Phil said under his breath, smirking.

Phil picked up the cup and took a sip out of it.

"What are you doing? I wanted that there." Dan pouted and outstretched his arms towards the cup. Phil moved it away.

"Why do you want a cup balanced on your body when it could easily fall off?" Phil asked, heightening the pitch of his voice mid-sentence.

"Because it's warm, now hand it over." Dan reached for the cup again.

"Cuddling in bed would be warmer." Phil stood up.

Dan smiled.

"Steamy showers are hotter." 

"Want to heat up in the shower first?" Phil asked.

"In more ways than one? Yes." Dan winked and raced towards the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH YES I HAVE SORTED SHIT OUT AND I CAN FINALLY UPDATE LIKE I USED TO.  
> I probably won't post a new chapter every day, but I definitely won't have ten day gaps in between posting chapters.  
> I hated not being able to write something new because throughout the day I would think of perfect things to happen in the story but I wouldn't have enough time to write it so I have notes on my laptop that are just keywords like "bbc remember" and "pain go place" or my personal favorite "nemo sex when home".  
> Thank you guys for reading ^-^  
> xx


	18. Plot Twist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is self explanatory.  
> (also this is irrelevant but I watched a movie called The Green Mile and cried my ass off like my ass disintegrated because this was so sad like hot damn diddle heck that was melancholy as tittly hell.)

Dan barged in the door with a folded newspaper in hand.

"That was fast. What did you get from Tesc-" Phil retreated when he saw the urgency in Dan's body language.

Dan wordlessly unfolded the paper and shoved it in front of Phil's face, underlining a sentence toward the side of the paper.

_"In other news, a recent discovery has allegedly shown a male who possesses the ability to bear children."_

Dan pursed his lips and stared at Phil's wide eyes.

"Just wait. There's more." 

He adverted his eyes to a lower column that briefly explained the situation.

_"After a tall male was seen leaving a London abortion clinic with no female partner in sight, suspicion was raised amongst a group of passerby doctors. These medical professionals are employed at a local hospital and claim to have seen this man in their workplace on many occasions. We were fortunate to interview one of the doctors, who requested that their identity be kept secret."_

Phil grabbed the newspaper and continued to read.

_"I can confirm that this man has a unique anatomy allowing him to bear children. In fact, he is currently carrying a child." Says the anonymous doctor._  
"What, like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?" Laughs the interviewer.  
"Even more fascinating than that. This is my first case with a male pregnancy, and quite honestly I believe will be the only case." We cannot identify this stunning individual. All that we are aware of, appearance wise, is his height. The doctor refused to specify whether or not the man is one of his patients, which concludes this story. 

"What Arnold Schwarzenegger movie was about a guy getting knocked up?" Phil asked.

Dan hit his forehead with the palm of his hand.

"That's not the fucking point. One of the doctors told the press about me." Dan slightly raised his voice.

"Who do you think it was?" Phil asked, biting his nails.

Dan tugged his own hair.

"It definitely wasn't Karina or Melissa. They are too faithful to break a promise like that." He began biting his nails as well.

"Do you think it was Dr. Elson?" 

"I'm about to find out." Dan reached for his phone and Phil slapped his hand away.

Dan glared at Phil, dropping his jaw.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Dan raised the pitch of his voice.

"Shouldn't I be asking you the same thing? Dan, we can't just give him an angry phone call and accuse him of telling someone all of that information. Remember the first appointment when he said that he would be the only one to handle this case for this exact reason? Do you really think he would break an oath? Doctors must swear to keep patients' cases classified." Phil prospected.

Dan exhaled and looked at Phil endearingly.

"You know how to calm me down. I appreciate that."

Phil rubbed his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Who else could it have been?" Phil asked.

Dan calmly picked up the phone.

"I will try to find out." Dan breathed deep and scrolled through his contacts.  
-

"Okay, thanks. Bye." Dan laid his phone face down on the table and returned to the couch.

Phil impatiently tapped his foot.

"He said it wasn't him but he has read the article already." Dan sighed.

"Dammit. Did he tell you if there were any suspects?" Phil asked.

"It might have been this asshole doctor that he knew in medical school, but it's pretty unlikely."

Dan subconsciously placed a hand on his stomach and softly moved his fingers across the fabric of his t-shirt.

"Hey, at least they don't know what you look like. It will only become a problem if they have identified you." Phil tried not to jinx it.

"Let's hope not." Dan sighed.  
-

**8:30 PM**

Dan opened the fridge and grabbed a leftover box of rice from last night's Chinese takeaway. He stuck it in the microwave and turned it on 45 seconds. 

"I heard a fridge opening. Can I have some?" Phil casually walked in the room and picked up a fork out of the drawer. 

Dan hugged the microwave. 

"I'm eating rice. Get your own." He defensively proclaimed. 

Phil jokingly rolled his eyes and scanned the fridge for anything dinner-worthy. 

He picked up a container with soup in it. Phil pondered the last time they ate soup. Surely it hadn't gone bad? He took the top off and sniffed it hesitantly.  
Phil didn't like soup anyway.  
He opened the fridge and slid the container back on the shelf for later inspection.  
Suddenly he heard a whimper come from behind him.  
Phil turned around. 

"Fuck." Dan muttered, stabilizing himself on the counter. 

Phil rushed toward him and put an arm around Dan's shoulder. 

"Are you okay?" 

Dan shut his eyes and rubbed his face. 

I'm fine, just cramping a bit." He said quietly, leaving Phil questioning what to do. 

The microwave dinged. Phil opened it and took the rice out, sticking a fork in the middle of the white box. 

"Save it for later, I'm going to lie down." Dan walked out of the room. Phil looked around the corner to see where Dan was going.  
Of course, he was entering Phil's room.  
Phil hastily shoved a large ball of rice into his mouth and silently walked down the hallway. 

Dan was found curled into a ball under the covers. 

Phil quietly slid into the bed beside him and wrapped an arm around his chest. Dan extended his legs and turned on his back, staring at the ceiling with his arms crossed over his stomach. Phil scooted closer to his boyfriend and gazed above. 

"What does it feel like?" Phil asked quietly. 

Dan turned his head. 

"What does what feel like?" 

"I don't know, having a baby inside of you. What does that even feel like? Or like, the cramping. What could you compare it to?" Phil asked inquisitively, laughing in his mind about how he is asking a man these questions. 

Dan shrugged. 

"Cramps feel like I'm being stabbed in the gut repeatedly and the person keeps twisting the knife over and over," 

Phil recoiled, cringing at the thought.

"And I don't really feel anything right now. He probably isn't big enough to move and make me feel it." 

"He?" Phil giggled. 

"I don't know, it could be a he." Dan propped himself up and leaned his head on his hand. 

"I think it's a girl." Phil said, unfeigned. 

"Why do you think it's a girl?" 

"I just have a feeling." 

Dan rolled his eyes.

"Trust me, I'm the one feeling this kid."  
\- 

**March 3rd, 2016**

Phil dashed through the door holding his phone. 

"I think I found the fucking guy!" He yelled enthusiastically. 

Dan nearly spilled his drink. 

"Hm?" Dan hummed.

"The guy in the newspaper! His name is Dr. Berkenshire." Phil sat down and showed Dan the image on his phone. 

The photo had shown a man with dark brown eyes and a receding hairline. 

"Charming," Dan sarcastically retorted at the image. 

"What are we going to do with this information?" Dan asked, sipping out of his mug carefully. 

"I'm going down to his office, that's what I'm going to do." Phil sounded confident. 

Dan let out an exasperated "ugh" noise that a teenager would make. 

"Are you fucking kidding me? That would totally give out our identity. Why the hell would you perpetuate his little _study_?" 

"We could totally debunk him. I don't see why we shouldn't go down there." 

"Okay, here's another question: why are you so adamant about going to see him?" Dan crossed his legs and took another sip of his drink.

Phil scratched his arm and looked downward, almost as if in guilt.

"I called someone from the newspaper claiming to have found more information on the story." He shamefully mumbled.

Phil braced himself in fear that Dan would throw a pillow at his face. To his surprise, the arrangement of pillows remained intact. Dan stood up and grinned.

"I have an idea! This is foolproof." Dan mentally patted himself on the back.  
-

Dan and Phil walked out of their flat hoping none of the neighbors would see them.  
Phil patted his fake mustache and repositioned his snapback to violently protrude above of his face.

"I can't believe you're making me wear this." Phil complained.

"Man up. I'm not so comfortable with my disguise either." Dan flicked his blonde shoulder length wig behind his shoulder.

"Dan, you look like a crackhead. That's basically a mullet."

"Remember, we still have the brown haired wig in your backpack." Dan reminded him.

Phil decided not to comment.

 

They managed to walk down a busy London street, catch a taxi, and enter the doctors office with minimal recognition from the public. Dan's platinum blonde wig certainly caught some attention, but Phil's casual mustache seemed to neutralize their look.  
Phil opened the door for Dan and turned to the opposite side, placing his sunglasses on top of his hat.  
They walked to the front desk.

"We have a meeting with Dr. Berkenshire." Phil tried to change his voice the slightest bit.

The receptionist nodded. "He's in room 109." 

They stood at each other's side and walked down the corridor.

"That was easy." Dan said under his breath.

 

A familiar face (and flagrant bald spot) greeted them at the door of room 109.

"Hello, gentlemen! You must be Jonathan and Desmond." The man eagerly stated, returning to his desk.

"Desmond? Really?" Dan whispered.

Phil shrugged.

They sat in the chairs in front of Dr. Berkenshire and tried changing personas.

"I'm Jonathan, that is Desmond." Phil introduced himself as his alias.

"Nice to meet you. Now, tell me what you know about this man. Is it all like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?" Dr. Berkshire asked.

"I'm not sure, which movie was that?" Phil asked, forgetting the circumstances.

Dan kicked Phil's leg.

"What- ahem, _Jonathan_ means to say, is that it isn't so much like you are imagining it to be." Dan took control of the situation.

"Is it now?" Dr. Berkenshire asked.

"We met the man ourselves as he left the clinic. He said he was there with his girlfriend who left a bit later than he did." Dan lied.

Dr. Berkenshire's countenance dropped.

"Yes. It is simply absurd for a man to have a child with the improper anatomy." Phil talked posh. Acting was fun.

"Your defense is rather suspicious." 

Dan gulped.

"It seems to me, just by an observation, that you are trying to cover up for him." Dr. Berkenshire discerned.

"We really aren't. He is a very close friend of mine, I would know what was going on that day." Dan justified.

Suddenly a sinister smirk spread across the side of Berkenshire's face.

"You're well acquainted? Why don't you tell me a bit about him, yeah?" 

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit_

"This is undisclosed information, I'm afraid we can't just tell you what was going on in this man's life." Phil piped up.

"Tell me. I won't inform the newspaper, everything will stay between the three of us." Demanded Berkenshire.

"I refuse." Phil crossed his arms.

Dan inconveniently felt a pain in his abdomen. Instinctively, he clutched his stomach and quietly grunted. Phil's eyes darted towards him.  
Berkenshire seemed to disregard Dan's pain and began to mindlessly ramble about how trustworthy he was, which bought Phil a distraction.  
Phil lightly tapped Dan's foot and Dan responded with a thumbs up under the table.

"To top it all off, I can assure you I have had _many, many, many_ cases where people had found a serious breach in the laws of biology and I kept it a secret." Berkenshire bragged and finished his rant.

"I appreciate your honesty, sir. This is just a personal situation that has no proper evidence." Phil folded his hands on the table.

"But John," he paused "Can I call you John?" 

Phil nodded.

"You might be on to something. This isn't just a magnificent discovery, this could be a scientific breakthrough. I could study the man if you gave me his contact information." Berkenshire pleaded.

"Listen, he really doesn't want everyone on his case. He even requested that we would tell you to stop the study." Dan was now crossing his arms.

"Why? Listen, I could make you a deal. How much would it cost?" 

Dan took his jacket off and covered his midsection.

"Do you really want to bribe us with money to get invasive information about someone else's privacy? That's sick." Phil argued.

Dan slipped his hand under the jacket and spread his palm across his stomach.

"It isn't a bribe." Berkenshire replied in a deplorable tone.

Dan began to subtly move his hand side to side. He wasn't calming down as easy as he hoped.

"Your argument is terrible. I sincerely hope you do not find more information on this man." Phil abhorred.

"HOLY SHIT." Dan nearly yelled.

Both heads turned to face Dan, who had hung his head low and propped himself up on the arms of the chair.

"Is there something wrong with him?" Berkenshire asked.

"Uh, kidney stones." Dan replied through a wave of pain.

Phil noted Dan's expression.

"I think it's time for us to leave." Phil straightened up.

They stood up and walked towards the door, only for Dan to forget his jacket. He hurried towards the chair and grabbed it.  
Berkenshire watched them get up and leave in disbelief.   
It was only when Dan had stretched to put his jacket back on that Berkenshire noticed the slight roundness in Dan's abdomen.  
Could "Desmond" be the man that he was looking for? Surely not.  
Then he noticed Desmond positioning his hair. It was a wig.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I hate the word climax but fukkit) When I started writing this story it had been a while since I had written a chaptered fic, so I feel like the story wasn't structured well enough and the climax was written a bit too early on. I decided to jazz the scene up a bit.   
> Also, shit is about to get real.


	19. Welcome to Florida

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so first of all, I wrote this entire fucking chapter and then accidentally x-ed out of the screen.  
> ao3 should really add automatic saving as a feature.  
> Second, I'm so sorry I died for two months and didn't update.   
> it turns out not everything is sorted out, but I'm getting there.   
> Here's a fresh new chapter! I hope you like it!  
> oh, and don't worry about me abandoning this fic. I'll stop releasing updates when the fic ends.  
> thank you all so much for reading this. I really appreciate your support!  
> (also I'm rlly pulling a dan by the broken promises of updating i apologize)

**April 16th, 2016. 6:00 PM**  
-  
Phil waited impatiently in his room. 

_Did he give Dan the right address?_

_Dan should be here by now. The plane landed at four._

_What if something happened? What if the plane crashed? Oh God._

_Would Phil be notified if such a tragedy were to occur? What if D-_

 

"Oi mate." Phil's agitating thought process was interrupted by Dan barging through the door with the handle of his suitcase in hand..

Phil immediately stood up and wrapped his arms around Dan, pressing him against the wall as he shut the door with his leg. Dan was taken by surprise and dropped his suitcase, wordlessly accepting Phil's warm embrace. Dan parted his lips, inviting Phil's tongue to invade and deepen the kiss. Phil softly slipped his tongue into Dan's mouth and moved his hands south, warily grasping Dan's ass.  
Dan's fingers moved from Phil's jet black locks and slid into the back of his jeans, fiddling with the waistband of his pants.

They just went to second base in Phil's family vacation rental home.

Phil gently pulled away and situated his disheveled fringe.

"How did it feel surviving a week without that?" Phil asked.

"I missed it," Dan made a faint 'whew' noise and tossed himself onto the bed. "Oh, and I guess I missed you."

"Baby you were my picket fenc-" 

"Phil I fucking swear if you start the never-ending saga of Fall Out Boy references I will cut off your dick and shove it up your ass."

Phil drew back and sat down, clasping his hands together and staring at the floor in shame.

"Yes sir."

Dan rolled his eyes and walked towards his suitcase.

"So do you have any bucket list activities before the tour starts?" He asked, rolling his suitcase into a corner.

Phil disregarded his question and started looking through Dan's clothes.

"Speaking of the tour, what is the baggiest outfit you packed?"

Dan searched through the untidy pile of fabrics and redundant game-gadgets before he pulled out a large sweatshirt.

"This is the biggest thing I own. I thought that worst case scenario, I'll just buy clothes as needed." He shrugged.

"How much does it hold?" Phil asked.

Dan shot him a curious glare.

"I don't know. What do you want me to do, stuff my shirt?" Dan laughed at his own satire remark.

Phil stared at him.

"You don't actually want me to-" Dan trailed off, gazing at Phil dumbfounded.

"You don't know how big you will get. Think about it, shouldn't you plan ahead?" Phil defended.

Dan sighed.

 

-

 

After thirty minutes, stuffing Dan's oversized clothing became somewhat of a game. Phil made bets on how many shirts he could actually fit in his inconveniently warm jumpers and large shirts that got gradually bigger.  
For the record, the most shirts he could fit was fifteen. 

Dan now had a small pillow occupying the space under his shirt, staring at his reflection.

"Do you think I'll look like this in a few months?" 

Phil shrugged. "I guess we will find out."

 

The clicking sound of a door opening intervened any further communication.

"Phil, we're home from Publix." Martyn greeted as he walked through the door.

He stopped in his tracks when he laid his eyes upon Dan, who looked like a sumo wrestler with his current shirt filled to it's maximum capacity.

"Hello Shrek, hello Phil."

Phil stared at Martyn in shock as Dan slowly pulled the pillow from underneath his shirt. Martyn didn't know what was going on, although he didn't seem suspicious. Phil intended to keep it that way.

"So, should Dan walk onto stage wearing a Shrek costume? We're debating." Phil lied and crossed his arms.

"Phil, this is no joking matter. Keep his Shrek costume sacred, solely for Halloween," Martyn requested. He turned around and shuffled out the door.  
"Oh, and mum wants us to know what you want for dinner." 

Dan stared at Phil with wide eyes and a deadly glare. Ah yes, Phil was fucked.

"You saved my ass, but you were the one who suggested it. I can't tell if I love you or hate you."

-

**7:40 PM**

"Then Dan kept me waiting outside for an extra ten minutes to make sure I was late for the cab," Phil paused his story to shove a piece of bread in his mouth, wiping a dab of butter off of his cheek.

"You must be quite the heavy sleeper." Phil's mum giggled at Dan.

Dan rolled his eyes playfully and tossed a bread crumb at Phil.

Martyn glanced at his cup before he was conscious of a tall presence behind him. He turned around to see the red, generic server uniform in front of his face. The waiter grabbed the glass, wordlessly walking back to the kitchen for a refill.   
He leaned in and spoke quietly so the staff wouldn't hear him.

"Did you see that guy just take my drink? He didn't even ask if I needed a refill." Martyn spoke just above a whisper.

"It must be an American thing. Every restaurant we've been to does that." His father replied.

"They have very attentive staff!" Phil's mum said with a smile, snapping her fingers.

 

After finishing the most American meal they had ever had, filled with the utmost flavour of freedom, the Lester tribe (and guest) paid the bill and made their way back to the car.

"We will make sure that Phil doesn't park next time." Their father smirked, looking in the rearview mirror.

"Hey! The plants I killed could have done some kind of harm to something. I may have done a good thing, for all you know." Phil crossed his arms, asserting his defense.  
As difficult as it may have been deemed, fitting three grown 6-foot men in the back of a Toyota was easier than imagined.

 

Not a word escaped one's lips on the drive back home.   
Conversing over dinner prevented most further topics of discussion. Tour details had already been spoken of, Phil's stories had been explained with a few anticlimactic endings, and Martyn's fraught feta-in-sock story was explained in the most nerve wracking manor possible.   
Silence was inevitable.  
It was also present.

Except this was different from most unexpected silences- it wasn't awkward at all.  
When speaking of silence, most associate the lack of conversation with an awkward and uncomfortable moment. Some might find that silence is reminiscent of a post-fight silent treatment, forcing the peace and quiet seem to be very much the opposite. They might believe that silence is a blanket of restriction that smothers you when there are no more words to be spoken. However, in most circumstances, unspoken words and enigmatic sounds of the clock ticking or that small pin dropping is tranquility at it's finest.  
The peace defiantly pervading the vehicle was not odd in any way. It was a comforting sense of eclectic serenity. After all, truly caring for someone means that silences are never awkward.

The quietude remained unbroken throughout the remainder of their car ride.  
-  
After arriving home, everyone immediately segregated into their groups with a single "goodnight" as they walked to their bedrooms.  
Dan and Phil scurried to Phil's room, changing into their pajamas.

Dan began to toss pillows on the floor and carelessly drag a blanket to cover himself. Phil walked in just as Dan laid on his side with his head firmly resting on the pillow.

"What're you doing?" Phil's muffled voice was heard with a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. 

"Making a bed on the floor." 

Phil quickly ran to the sink and spit toothpaste. He cupped his hands, filling them with water and pouring it in his mouth before swishing it around and spitting it out.  
He returned to Dan's floor retreat.

"Okay. Why?" He asked, dragging out the word 'okay'.

"I can't sleep in your bed, someone will see me and get suspicious." Dan shrugged.

"It's not good for the baby. Sleep on a mattress, not the floor." Phil put a hand on his hip and drug his feet as he made his way to the bathroom, shutting the light off and coming back to bed.

It occurred to Dan that for some batshit reason, sleeping on carpet covered concrete might not really be good for the baby.  
Then he remembered the size of their two seater couch.  
The floor seemed better than their relationship being indecently exposed.

"Do you have a bigger sofa than the one in the living room?" Dan asked, standing up and walking toward the side of Phil's bed.

"No."

"Then where the hell am I going to sleep?" 

Phil stood up and placed his hands on Dan's hips, kissing the side of of his neck. He wrapped his arms around Dan, rotating their conjoined force and gently pushing him onto the bed.

"You're sleeping in here. Just say you got cold if someone sees you." Phil's voice was quiet, deep, and tired. When Phil was sleepy, his voice almost sounded nostalgic. It was the most contradictory thought, knowing that his husky sensual voice was also a soft comforting lull.

"There's no way I could have gotten cold in Florida weather."

"There is if you're under the air conditioner." Phil retorted.

Dan rubbed his eyes and exhaled deeply. He climbed into bed and rolled over to shut the lamp off

"Goodnight. I love you."

"I love you too."

Phil scooted closer to Dan and wrapped an arm around his waist.

It suddenly didn't matter if anyone saw them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: i almost took out the shirt scene and replaced it but i thought Martyn's comment was clever so I kept it in.


	20. Are You Feeling It Now Mr. Krabs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola  
> i have returned once again  
> how many times have i added things to this chapter?  
> "so many"  
> pls enjoy i love you all have a nice day thank you all for reading!

**May 5th, 2016. Somewhere in-between Massachusetts and the border of Canada**

Phil plopped himself onto the bed in the bedroom that he had (rightfully) won in the great rock paper scissors battle. He extended his legs to release the tension in his knees, letting out a faint groan. Standing up for three hours straight was possibly the most exercise he had gotten since November, cliché jokes about his physical activity aside. Phil's eyelids fluttered and tempted him to fall asleep. Suddenly, never moving another muscle sounded appealing.  
Dan found his way into Phil's resting territory and intruded with an enervated sigh.

"My knees hurt." Phil whined, acknowledging Dan's presence.

"Really? My back hurts, my shin got scraped, my thumb is impaled, my nipples are sore and have been rubbing against my shirt for seven hours, my feet hurt, and to top it off my upper thigh is tingling uncomfortably close to my crotch." Dan spouted apathetically.

Phil's eyes sprang open. He decided not to comment on that.

A faint light lit up the corner of the room where Dan was standing.

"So the next location is," Dan paused to check his phone "Toronto?"

Phil nodded and yawned.

"We have to go through the border tomorrow. Our jolly ol' bus driver says it's too far and we won't make it in tonight ."

"Wow, no Canadian hotel? My back has a knife in it." 

Dan laid down, but Phil quickly pushed him aside.

"Hey! This is a twin bed. We aren't both going to fit in here," Phil defensively protected the remainder of his sleeping space by sprawling out in comical directions.

"We will get a hotel tomorrow. For now, you sleep in your room. I get the TV." Phil snickered playfully.

Dan was unamused. 

"Do you want me to take the knife out of my back and stab you with it?" Dan asked.

Phil straightened up. 

"Spare me. What can I do?" 

"Let me sleep near you. It's been nearly two weeks since we have shared a bed." Dan pleaded like a four year old.

Phil sighed. He supposed Dan's idea would work somehow.  
-

**3:04 AM. Outskirts of New Hampshire.**

Dan had self-proclaimed himself to be the queen for the next four months. He had a low tolerance for anything that wouldn't comply with him. Frankly, his impatience was rampant. This meant that when Phil was told to cuddle with him, by the force of fuck would Phil do whatever it took to satisfy his craving for affection. Dan's ranting would be everlasting otherwise.

A fort was now constructed of two duvets, seven pillows, and three blankets wrapped around the both of them. Dan and Phil had fallen fast asleep, remaining peacefully at rest despite the frequent episodes of bumpy roads in mid-New Hampshire.  
Now the bus stood completely still. The bus driver decided to snooze for the remainder of the night.  
Suddenly, Dan was jolted awake.  
What? They couldn't have just hit a bump in the road. The bus was stopped.  
He felt something flutter in his abdominal region. Wait, could that be-

Dan pressed a hand against the area he had felt the fluttering. An electrifying grin found it's way upon his face. 

"Phil! Phil wake up!" Dan shook his sleeping sack of a boyfriend.

Phil groggily wiped his eyes and stared at the ceiling, familiar with the feeling of uncertainty concerning the state he was currently in. The room was completely dark, only being feebly lit by moonlight that crept through the blinds. Dan's hand was felt grasping his shoulder, shaking him.

"I'm awake, I'm awake! What's going on?" Phil's voice cracked.

Dan grabbed Phil's hand and guided it to the center of his stomach. He waited.

An indistinct twitch came from under Dan's skin.  
Phil gasped and a smile crept across his face.

"Was that the baby?"

"No, it was my hand." Dan replied with a satire smirk.

Phil rolled his eyes, in spite of the fact Dan couldn't see him.

Dan moved his hand to the curve on the lower left of his abdomen.

"That's so weird! Phil, feel this!" Dan beamed.

Phil could hear the excitement in Dan's voice. He felt around in the dark, looking for Dan's arm. Phil felt from the edge of Dan's shoulder to the edge of his hand, sliding his hand under Dan's. Another small 'thump' was felt beneath the tips of his fingers.

"This will give me something to do in long car rides when the wifi is shit!" Dan quietly exclaimed.

"How long has that been happening?" Phil asked, wrapping an arm around Dan.

"Since like five minutes ago." Dan whispered, feeling for another kick.

Phil was excited to see how this would progress.  
But he was very tired.

Phil leaned in for a goodnight kiss, and Dan titillatedly accepted it. A peck on the lips was no match for Dan, as he had a kiss much more enthralling in mind.  
He rested his hand on Phil's neck, softly twirling his hair around his finger. Dan bit his lip seductively, lowering his other hand to Phil's nether region.  
Phil's boner caused a groaner.  
Dan palmed him through his boxers, sliding his leg up and down. The blanket moved with Dan's leg, exposing their iniquity to anyone who may decide to barge in the room. Phil felt his thigh start to tingle like Dan's had done earlier in the afternoon.

"Baby are you my laptop because you're hot and you make my thighs tingle," Phil whispered in-between moans.

Dan began to grind against Phil's hips, breathing heavy.

"You make something else tingle." Dan winked. He wished Phil could have seen that. Turning on the light seemed appealing.

Phil's penis decided to give Dan a standing ovation. 

Dan felt something hard press against his leg, and an impish smirk swiped across the left side of his face. Phil pressed his forehead against Dan's, their breathing now synchronized. 

"Do you have the energy to have a... late night organ fight?" Phil whispered, rubbing his hands down Dan's back to grab his ass. Dan paused for a moment and contemplated the idea of doing the do. Would it be funner to tease his boyfriend, or would it let him off too easy to just accept the jolly D this early?  
"How about we just keep that an exit only for now?" Dan asked, reaching a hand into Phil's boxers.

Phil was entirely content with that decision, seeing as handjobs have been a fun pastime.

"That's fine with me." Phil breathed.

"Good." Dan quietly spoke, pushing Phil's fringe away from his eyes. He slowly pressed his lips against Phil's, with a clean, tongue-free goodnight kiss.

Huh? Phil thought they were going to get into something.

"Goodnight. I love you." Dan laid his head on Phil's chest.

Phil shrugged.

A hotel is more comfortable anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daMN IT sorry this chapter is so short.  
> Although, the next few chapters will be quite long. I have already started on them. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	21. Inescapable Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question of the day: have you ever read a fanfic that really fucked you up
> 
> I just read one the other day where Dan dies in the end and I'm defining emo tn

**Thursday, May 12. Chilling in Akron, Ohio**

Dan waved to the audience behind him as a broad grin spread across his face. Phil's open-mouthed smile was contagious, seeing as everyone in the crowd was beaming along with them. (Or, perhaps, everyone had just enjoyed the show as expected.)  
They climbed into the bus and did their routinely flop onto any soft surface available.  
-

The only sound heard was a quiet hum coming from the tour bus motor. Dan was deeply devoted to something on his phone, unlike Phil whose longing gaze was fixed on the road. Suddenly the composure was broken by the sound of Martyn sprinting into the room with a bag in hand.

"Whatcha got in your claws?" Dan asked, tossing his phone aside.

"I've brought totally authentic Ohio food. Cornelia and I just devoured a sandwich that was so good, we forgot we brought you some." 

Dan's eyes bounced from the bag to Martyn's eyes. His face suddenly brightened at the sight of something pertaining to food.

"Thank god! I'm starving!" Dan hastily snatched the bag out of his hand, suddenly stopping at a halt when the bag was half open. 

"Wait, what kind of sandwich?" 

"Subway. Black Forest Ham and Italian BMT."

"I call dibs on BMT!" Phil was now grasping for the bag, being intervened by Dan's hand slapping his away.

"I can't eat tomatoes because they make me nauseas. I get the BMT." Dan smirked and grabbed a sandwich out of the bag.

Phil rolled his eyes and reached for the Black Forest Ham, opening it with caution. He didn't notice Martyn gaping at Dan until he heard chuckling under his breath.

"They make you nauseas? Since when have you not been able to eat tomatoes?" Martyn questioned, habitually picking up trash around the vicinity and tidying the room. Dan's eyes widened, realizing he might have said that a bit too loud. Phil tried to look unaffected and continued indulging in his gorgeous ham sandwich that was tantalizingly staring into his eyes.

"Taste buds change." Dan defended.

"I didn't know a taste bud could make you vomit, but whatever you say." Martyn crossed his arms and sat in the chair next to Phil. He started folding the Subway bag into quarters.

Dan shrugged and continued eating his sandwich.   
-

The next stop was an isolated gas station around dusk, which was rather unsettling for a number of reasons. The driver wordlessly got out to refill the tank and advised everyone that any lengthy bathroom breaks should be taken at this stop. Martyn announced that he was going inside to grab a few things to snack on, but insisted that Phil come with him.  
He politely stated he would rather sit inside, but Martyn was persistent. Phil decided to go with him, in spite of his laziness.

"Why did you force me to come in here? You know what snacks I like." Phil whined.

"I just wanted to ask you something away from Dan so I didn't sound rude." 

Phil tilted his head in confusion.

"Go on."

"Is it just me, or is Dan acting a bit weird?" Martyn inquired, grabbing a bag of Funyuns off of the shelf in front of him.

Phil swallowed hard. It felt like his adam's apple had just dropped.

"I don't see what you're talking about." Phil tried to change the subject by inquisitively showing his brother an assortment of drinks.

"Phil, I'm serious. I think there is something wrong with him." 

Phil walked in the other isle, which was futile as he was 6"2 and towered over the shelves. Martyn sped up and followed him.

"I can tell there is something up by the way you're dodging the subject. Just tell me, I promise I won't spill any beans."

"Your bean can better be tight." Phil concisely replied.

Phil walked towards the counter and set the items down. The clerk was nowhere to be seen.

"I _know_ there is something suspicious going on." 

"How so?" 

Martyn looked at Phil wide-eyed.

"Well first of all, his eating habits are odd. All he does is eat. It seems like he has an emotional problem."

"It's just food, Mr. Perceptive." Phil crossed his arms.

"Not only that, but he eats the weirdest things. Three days ago I saw him dipping a Dorito in mayonnaise. _Mayonnaise!_ " Martyn reiterated.

Phil opened his mouth to speak, but he realized there wasn't any defense for that.

"And don't even get me _started_ on his posture! It looks like he's gotten a beer gut and he constantly supports himself with a hand glued to his hip." 

Martyn's perpetual rant began, going in depth with the abnormal behaviour that Dan had been displaying for the past month. He touched on the fact that Dan was unhealthy, how he seemed less lively on stage, how many naps he had been taking, and how snappy he had gotten. He almost didn't notice the clerk (who clearly spoke little english) extending his arms with a plastic bag containing their road trip snacks, nor did he give any attention to Phil who had already paid for them.  
Martyn relaxed and exhaled softly, rubbing the palm of his hand across his face.

"I'm just worried that he is depressed or something. This isn't typical Dan."

"I know for a fact that he's not depressed. It isn't anything serious." Phil lied about the importance of the situation slipped the bag over his wrist. An elderly woman was stumbling towards the door, so each of the brothers pulled a handle and allowed the old lady a grand entrance.   
She thanked them individually, grinning like she had just seen God himself.

They began to return to the tour bus, speaking quietly so that nobody would hear.

"Why won't you tell me what it is? I'm your brother, Phil." He pleaded.

"It doesn't concern you." Phil's words sounded harsh. Harsher than he intended.

A heavy silence was put between them. 

"Is he going through a premature mid-life crisis? Phil, this is your best friend. The best friend that I've ever known you to have. Are you seriously telling me that something, which is physically noticeable, is not a big deal? I should know what's going on, we pretty much work together." Martyn stopped walking.

"Okay, it might be a big deal, but-" 

Dan jogged past them, having changed into a fluffy jumper as usual.

"Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee." He chanted quickly.

"And did I mention that he has to pee like a goddamn racehorse who just drank thirty cups of coffee?"   
-

Dan and Phil were lying in their fort, cuddling together. Dan seemed peacefully at rest, while Phil was wide awake and contemplating the inevitable- telling his family about their secret. Obviously they can't hide this forever. Hell, hiding it for the next two months would be near impossible. Why couldn't they tell Phil's family? His mum adores children. What is holding them back, the fear of rejection or disownment? That isn't how life is supposed to be, and there is no reason to think that way.  
Phil tapped on his fiancé's shoulder lightly.

"Mm." Dan hummed.

"Should we tell my family about the baby?" Phil decided to cut straight to the point. Dan sat up and rubbed his eyes, leaning against the wall to stretch.

"Are y...ou crazy?" Dan yawned. 

Phil could tell he wasn't fully awake. Maybe now wasn't the right time to talk about it.

Oh well.

"Well I was thinking about how they are my family so they deserve to know, especially because it's still my child too and my mum would be excited, and even though it might be weird I think it would still be cool plus how rude would it be to keep it from them until the baby is born and they get mad abou-"

"Okay Phil I get the point," Dan interrupted, covering his face with his arm. "We can tell them tomorrow."

"Thank you!" Phil felt like he could rest now.

Phil placed a kiss on Dan's temple and rolled over. 

That was easier than expected.  
-

**May 13th, 12:27 PM**

Dan waited ill at ease in the back of the tour bus where Phil had ordered everyone to meet. Pacing just became monotony. He needed something to drink.  
Coke sounded refreshing.  
Phil walked in the room as Dan opened the fridge.

"Cornelia met a friend, so they will probably be another few minutes." 

"Great. That gives me more time to put this off." Dan said plainly, trying to quickly suck the carbonation from the top of his Coke can.

"I don't understand why you are so afraid to tell them." 

Phil casually took the drink from Dan's hand and took a sip.

"They might find this totally weird and hate me." 

Phil gave the can back to Dan.

"I'm more worried about Martyn's reaction to our relationship." Phil stated.

"Pfft, if he reacts anything like Adrian did, we will be fine." 

Dan sat back in the beanbag chair and took another sip of his drink. He realized there was no place to set the can.  
He shrugged and placed it on his stomach.

"Hey look, I learned a new trick." Dan jested, putting up jazz hands.

"What are you, Rachel Green?" Phil laughed.

"Yes, yes I am." 

The door to their bus was heard opening.

Queue the shitstorm.

Dan quickly moved the can and sat up. Phil guided Martyn and Cornelia to their totally professional rendezvous. Martyn took a seat next to his girlfriend, anticipating their explanations.  
Dan remained silent. Phil knew who would be doing the talking. 

After all, it was _his_ family.

"So, I suppose you have all noticed a difference in Dan recently. I'm looking at any of the men in this crowd," Phil made eye contact with his brother.

"Seeing as me and Dan know what you are- ehm, noticing, we thought it would be a good idea to tell you, uh, what it is."

Cornelia's face, perplexed as it was, looked genuinely intrigued.

"First, I feel like we should clarify something so that the next news we tell you isn't as shocking." Phil began.

"Right. If that's even possible." Dan added, scratching his head.

"Me and Dan are in a relationship. Like a dating relationship." Phil gave it a moment to sink in.

Martyn sunk into his chair and laced his hands together. Cornelia's eyebrows had only raised.

"Also, it's a bit more serious than you'd think." Phil held up his left hand, displaying a ring on his fourth finger. He began discerning that this was the first time he had worn it since January.

Martyn's jaw dropped along with Cornelia's, who was now covering her mouth. 

"I expected it." Cornelia was grinning. 

"Okay, so you're going to think we are totally pranking you with this, but uh- Dan?" Phil didn't want to explain the arbitrary sexual organs.

Dan sighed.

"Basically, I was born with some 'extra organs', meaning that I have a semi-functioning female reproductive system. I didn't know it was fully functional until around around five months ago when they told me I had an invader in the ship." He explained.

Martyn and Corneila looked completely dismayed.

"An invader in the ship?" Martyn asked.

"Yeah, like one of the swimmers broke through the pool"

Martyn raised an eyebrow.

"Phil's sailors know how to swim."

Phil made a comical gagging sound.

"You know what, fuck it. I'm pregnant." Dan sighed

Cornelia gasped.

"Where is the camera? I know you're messing with us." Martyn laughed.

Dan and Phil sat with a poker face. Martyn stopped laughing and slowly realized they were serious by their lack of hilarity.

"Wait, you're serious?" 

Dan stood up and lifted his shirt, revealing a prominent bump forming.

"Does this look like a joke?"

Dan sat back down. Nobody spoke. 

"Your stunned silence is very reassuring." Phil quoted, rolling his eyes.

"Well, at least you haven't really popped that badly for five months." Cornelia chimed in, shrugging.

"If you're being serious, then I guess congratulations." Martyn looked a bit less like he had just seen someone murdered in front of him.

"So you're not grossed out or anything?" Phil asked.

Martyn and Cornelia shook their heads.

"Have you thought of any names yet?" Cornelia asked, still interested.

Dan thought for a moment. They didn't even know the gender, much less had they thought of names.

"Not yet."

"I have a whole list of cute names that I've been writing down for ages, if you'd like to see them sometime." She was smiling now. That was unexpected.

"I didn't know about this list." Martyn turned to face her.

"Oh come on, babe. Every girl thinks about that at some point in their life." Cornelia stood up and began walking out of the room, presumably to find her prized list.   
Martyn followed her, nearly hitting his head on the small door frame.

Dan and Phil looked at each other.

"That went smoother than I thought it would."  
-


	22. Name of the Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (let's all give a standing ovation to my air conditioner for breaking like a bitch)  
> Also, I just heard that Christina Grimmie was shot in Orlando. oh my god i hope she's okay.  
> There are some reports that it was fatal, but others say she's just in critical condition.   
> aghhhh i hate when things like this happen.

**May 15th, 2016. 10:00 PM**

Somewhere in the depths of West Virginia, Dan and Phil had once again found themselves aimlessly immersed into something on the internet. The two had bundled up in their pillow arrangement shoulder to shoulder, gently wrapped into a resilient human burrito. (After all, their viewers liked to call them beans.) Dan's legs draped over his fiancé's and a wonted hand was placed over his tummy, now constantly eager to feel any movement. The occasional sliding of a phone followed by a faint 'huh' was frequently exchanged, but otherwise, the room was silent.

"Cornelia showed me a few of her names on that list yesterday." Dan's voice was low, almost in a guttural fashion.

"Did you see any that you liked?" Phil asked, his eyes still locked on the screen in front of him.

Dan hummed in response. He opened the notes on his phone, quickly scrolling through a mess of what would be a ream of paper in person.

"Okay, so I have two lists for boy and girl names,"

Phil clicked his phone off, rolling over on his side.

"I was thinking Jake, Chase, or Michael for a boy-"

"Michael? Would you really want to use my middle name?" Phil interrupted.

"It's just a suggestion." Dan shrugged.

"Continue." Phil inquired.

"And for a girl I think that Sierra, Phoebe and Leia are pretty names." 

Phil glanced over at Dan's phone, revealing a copious list of names that all looked jumbled together from the distance.

"How long have you been working on that list?" Phil marveled. 

"Eh, a week. Doesn't matter. What's your input?" 

Phil hesitated. He had always settled on the same names- Jack and Emily- for his future children.

Time to improvise.

"Ehm, for a boy, I like Jack or Lee. I think Phoebe would be weird since that was my hamster's name. Unless it were like, a memorial thing. We could name her in remembrance of Phoeb-"

"Phil, we're not naming our baby in commemoration of your hamster." 

"Fine."

"Lee is cute, but probs for a middle name." Dan's lingo rolled off of his tongue.

Phil traced back in mind for any good names he had seen in movie credits.   
It came to mind that they still didn't know the gender.

"I think we should find out if it's a boy or a girl before we get too invested in names." 

Dan realized that there weren't any trusted doctors in the next few states, or rather, on this continent.

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to get in for a checkup while we're still here. I mean, we could get Dr. Elson or Karina to fly here or something but it just seems too inconvenient."

"We need to get you seen by someone. I just want to make sure everything is okay." Phil entreated.

"I suppose it is a necessity to get checked on. I probably haven't gone often enough."

"Plus we need to get an updated sonogram picture, my mum keeps asking for one since we told her about it." Phil added.

"I'll get Dr. Elson's opinion on it."

"Call them tomorrow and see if they have any ideas." Phil considered calling them at that moment before realizing it would have been 4 AM in London.

"Good idea." Dan yawned, tossing his phone aside.

Phil scooted closer to the brunet and tangled their legs together, placing a kiss on his forehead. Dan's eyes had fluttered shut and a dim light allowed enough visibility for Phil to notice his empty hand lying in between them. Phil tenderly laced their fingers together, lying his head close to Dan's.

He dreamed one of the first normal, borderline realistic dreams that he had dreamt in a long time. They had gone to the appointment like before (although, each of them had eagles tattooed to their nipples in the dream) and the nurse, who was a mystery, had told them that it was a girl.  
Of course, something wacky had to happen and indeed it did. At the end of the dream, Phil's eagle tattoo flew from his chest knobs and into the sunset.  
Avian nipples aside, Phil took the dream as a hunch. Dan's cynical attitude would say it was nothing, but Phil had a faith that it might have been some wild subconscious sign.

Then again, it was just a dream.  
-

**May 16, 2016. 8:49 AM**

"Are you sure you don't have any trusted connections here? I wouldn't mind traveling to another state." Dan implored.

Phil could only hear the sound of a muffled woman's voice. He presumed it was Karina.

"Text me her number." 

Phil bounced his leg impatiently.

"Thank you. You too!" Dan hung up the phone.

"Anything?"

"She told me that there weren't any people in America she knew well enough to trust with this case. She said Melissa might have a few medical friends here, so when I get her number I'll give her a ringeriedoo."

His phone buzzed.

"Speak of the doctor and she will appear."

Dan tapped on the number and added it to his contacts before pressing call. Only two rings and three words had been heard before Phil knew she had picked up and recognized the caller. Another five minutes of waiting impatiently had passed, causing Phil to get a bit annoyed. Phil had the slightest distaste for Dan being in an important call without it being audible to him. Admittedly, Dan was worse when it came to general jealousy, but Phil was always so curious as to what they were saying.

"Are any of them trustworthy?" Dan asked into the phone, pacing.

Phil mouthed 'put it on speaker'. Dan tapped his phone screen.

_"...really shouldn't be a problem with him, but he doesn't work with that equipment. When are you free for an appointment, seeing as you're busy and all?"_

"Whenever I can find a reliable doctor. I don't care where it is." Dan responded nonchalantly.

_"My family and I always go on holiday to Chicago because the food is incredible. I'll be there on the 29th if you two could meet up with me, I could check you out while I'm there."_

That was convenient. 

And polite.

"Shit, we would have just left Chicago the day before or something like that. Can you make it any earlier?" Dan didn't want ask too much of her.

_"I'm afraid not. I have some things to wrap up before I leave."_

"Phil, when will we be closest to Chicago after the 29th?"

Phil hastily pulled up their schedule and scrolled down to May 29th. 

"We will be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on the 29th." He provided.

There was a silence on both ends of the phone. Dan scratched his chin as he waited for a response.

_"I'll tell you what, how about I meet you at Aurora Medical Center on the 30th. We can go after hours, I have a distant cousin who works there and could get us in without too much of an explanation or recognition from other staff members."_

Dan's face lit up, followed by Phil's little 'yes' whisper scream.  
-

Dan crept behind the bus driver, trying not to startle him.

"Hey, Robert?" Dan sat down.

Robert nodded.

"Next week, do you think it would be possible to stop through Chicago on the way to Minnesota?" Dan asked skeptically.

Robert glanced at him for a moment before laughing hysterically.

"I'm sorry son but there is no way we could make it back into Illinois on the tight schedule we're running." His laugh trailed off into a short 'whoo'.

"Are you sure? I mean, could we stop after that at some point?" 

Robert's brows were slowly knitting together.

"Why is Chicago so important?" 

Suddenly being caught off guard, Dan had to lie. 

"I just- my uh, I have a friend that lives there and I just wanted to see them." 

"I'm sorry man, we just can't make it through there again." Robert repositioned his hands on the steering wheel and rubbed his eyes.

Dan realized his efforts were pointless and returned to the back of their bus.  
-

 

**May 29th, 2016. Somewhere at a Motel 6.**

Dan and Phil had considered just calling off the plans with Melissa, but of course she had already arranged a way for her cousin to allow them in without security being suspicious. They decided to just put it off and focus on shows, which seemed to work out fine for Phil. Despite the fact that Dan hadn't brought it up, he was constantly reminded that there was something in need of inspection by the little kicks he felt every so often.  
He had even felt a kick mid-show, which was an unexpected heavy jolt that sent a hand flying to his midsection. Clearly, nobody had noticed. Or took it into consideration, for that matter.

As they left Chicago, the bus broke down about 56 miles out. Seeing as it was a Saturday night, city roads were jammed. Traffic was horrific, and frankly Robert didn't feel like dealing with that clusterfuck. The next show was in two days, so there was plenty of time to pass.  
Robert had gotten someone to inspect the bus, which let them know that their motor exhibited 'sick behavior' and would be liable to break down again if not replaced. He also vaguely remembered something about a carburetor needing replacement.  
Robert paid for a rental car for temporary transportation to and from the repair shop, and everyone decided on getting some rooms at a motel for the weekend.   
And there they sat, bored out of their minds at a Motel 6 with nothing left to do but surf Google for any restaurant ideas or mindlessly ramble about the inconvenience of poorly-constructed vehicles. Dan was compulsively checking his phone.

A knock was heard at Dan and Phil's door.

"You get it." Dan grunted as he stretched his arms.

Phil childishly stuck his tongue out and stood up, making his way to the door. He peered through the peephole, displaying Martyn who was rocking from heel to toe.

"Welcome to my party house." Phil greeted.

"Me and Cornelia are headed off to laser tag across the street. We figured that 7:00 is too early for bed on a Saturday night. Want to come along?" 

Phil looked back at Dan.

"I'll pass, I've got a screaming headache." Dan put a hand to his forehead, portraying a sick sentiment.

"That's alright. Phil, you up?" 

"I should probably supervise Dan." Phil pointed a thumb behind him.

"Ah, better off. I hope you feel better, Dan!" Martyn smiled and half-skipped down the hall.

Phil returned to the seat next to Dan, sighing as he sat down.

"You don't really have a headache, do you?"

"I always have a headache to some degree, but it's not enough to stop me." Dan's voice sounded determined. 

"What are you planning on, Mr. Howell?" a sly smirk swept across Phil's left cheek. 

"Melissa just texted me. She's in Chicago right now." 

"I thought we weren't supposed to meet until tomorrow?" Phil's eyebrows suddenly flaunted unease.

"Not anymore. She said we could meet tonight. Did Martyn take the rental?"

Phil shook his head before realizing what Dan meant. 

"Whoa, hold on. Since when did I agree on driving you to Chicago? I don't even know if it's legal for us to drive without American licenses."

"I can drive." Dan proposed audaciously.

Phil remembered that Dan had renewed his license before flying in. Technically, it would be wiser to let him drive, bearing in mind that he was a better driver and wasn't a former plant hazard in restaurant parking lots.  
Phil sighed, immediately regretting his decision.

"Fine. You can drive. I'm not taking the blame when we get pulled over." 

 

Dan tried to make his furtive plans seem innocent when he asked Robert for the keys. The only dispute that Robert could think of was 'how hazardous it would be to drive on opposite sides', but otherwise let him off the hook easily.  
Phil sat in the passenger side of the car, suddenly feeling as if he were in driving school all over again. Dan eagerly slid into the drivers side, sticking a key into the ignition for the first time in years.

It almost felt refreshing. 

He did a quick test drive around the vacant parking lot, which quickly restored Phil's comfort in letting Dan control the wheel.

They drove onto the highway and into oblivion.   
-

Oblivion must last 45 minutes, because they pulled into a parking lot greeted by the familiar sight of maroon hair twisted into a french braid standing at the doorway.

Dan and Phil exited the car and scurried towards the door, Phil being pulled into a hug and smelling what could only be compared to pleasant apples coming from Melissa's hair.

"How was the drive?" She initiated conversation as they casually walked through the door.

Dan and Phil looked at each other.

"I was the designated driver." Dan facetiously raised a hand, grinning.

"Really? I take it you don't work so well with busy highways, Phil?" She quietly giggled at Phil's eyes rolling.

Melissa leaned on the counter, faced with a man who looked to be no older than thirty with a cleanly shaven head and a-frame glasses.

"These are my friends that I told you about! Can I show them around? American hospitals seem much different!" She enthusiastically asked, resting her chin in hand.

He nodded and smiled, handing her a key for an unprecedented door and continued looking at whatever was on his computer screen.

_That was easy._

Melissa brought them down the hallway, stopping in the break room to use the vending machine. 

"So, let's discuss. Tell me how far along you are, if you've been in any pain, give me the scoop." She requested, indecisively hovering her finger over different numbers on the vending machine keypad before finally choosing a product.

"I'm about five months now, the pain hasn't been as frequent. I have a headache from hell, and my spinal column is literally about to fall out as we speak. Oh, and we started feeling kicks earlier this month." Dan stopped himself before he began ranting. 

"Wow! You're not too big for 5 months," Melissa sounded like this was an unusual phenomenon. This slightly concerned Dan.  
She grabbed the candy bar from the receiving slot in the vending machine and opened it with caution.

"The headaches should subside soon, and unfortunately the back pain will worsen. Get Philly here to rub your back if it gets too painful." She recommended.

Melissa began towards the door, leading the boys out. Phil held the door open.  
She led them towards a room in the back, grabbing a clipboard and some other supplies off of the desk behind her. Dan basically knew the drill, he gracefully plopped onto the bed and lifted his shirt.

Phil's phone buzzed in his pocket.

**From: Robert**   
_hey ur brother is back. just checking in._

He hesitated to answer. Saying the wrong thing could seem suspicious.

**From: Phil**   
_We're fine! On the way home in a few minutes._

Phil didn't want to lie, but he was unsure of how long this would take. Suddenly his attention was brought back into the current situation when Dan's hand was seen reaching for Phil's.

"This is the head, legs, body, and hands." Melissa directed their attention to different points on the screen.

Phil glanced at phil, suddenly noticing the tears welling in his eyes.

"Dan, are you crying?" 

"Nope." Dan sniffed and wiped his nose.

Melissa paused for a moment, looking intently into their eyes.

"Would you two like to know the gender? I can tell you now if you'd like." She smiled.

Dan looked at Phil, nodding simultaneously.

"We would like to know." Phil gently squeezed Dan's hand.

Melissa moved the wand and listened for a moment.

"Alrighty, based on the heartbeat, I'm certain that it's a-"

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY GUYS   
> WHAT DO YOU THINK  
> IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL   
> (comment ur vote and get a free Twix)


	23. Congratulations, It's a...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> all of us are on the same wavelength  
> also i apologize, at one point i do refer to dan as "the baby daddy".  
> (i'm srry i had to i've been wanting to make that joke since January)

Dan tightened his grip on Phil's hand.

"...I can confirm, due to the speed of it's heartbeat, it's a girl!" Melissa exclaimed.

Their reactions were priceless. Dan emitted a screech so infused with excitement that you would only hear it from an angry territorial ape. His heart felt like it had actually just screamed. He didn't know what to picture first- buying little bows and lacy shoes, inconspicuously giggling in the corner as he watched Phil's failed attempts at braiding her hair, introducing her to their families and watching their faces light up. He tried to envision a little girl with the color of Phil's mousy brown winds of hair that bounced as she took her first steps. Would she have Dan's eyes that sparkled with enthusiasm, or would she inherit Phil's that could only be compared to an endless ocean?

Phil could only think of him later telling Dan a jest filled 'I told you so' as they discussed the plans for their future daughter.

"It looks like your due date is August 15th, but obviously she could decide to pull the fire alarm as early or late as she wants." Melissa explained, handing Dan a few paper towels.

Dan nodded, still speechless as he was consumed by his imagination. 

Melissa explained to Phil what he should be doing to care for his baby daddy over the next few months, along with giving them a sonogram picture and a few copies for any anticipating relatives.  
-

On the drive back to the motel, they continued discussing names.

"I think we should name her Esther." Phil unironically muttered.

"Phil, we are not naming our child Esther. Or Sylvester,"

Phil let out a guttural sigh.

"Admit it, you thought about it." 

"True, plus it would be a bit boring if she took the last name Howell. Esther Howell. The pizzaz is gone." Phil replied, disheartened.

It hit Dan that they still hadn't discussed their marital surnames. 

"Would we be taking one surname or doing the hyphenated thing?" Dan asked.

Phil couldn't decipher whether the hyphen was a good idea. Did Dan want to do it?

"I mean, it keeps both of our names in the picture but it is quite long. Howell-Lester, vice versa." Phil prospected.

"What if we kept our original surnames? Wait, no. That's a shitty idea." Dan was indecisive.

"We could combine them to create Howlter." Phill eagerly suggested, almost without sarcasm.

Dan rolled his eyes. 

 

-

 

"Where were you guys? It's almost eleven." Robert discerned.

Dan tried not to break eye contact. He didn't need to know about the situation. 

"We went out to eat, it was absolutely packed. Barely got a seat." He exaggerated.

"Yeah, they had buzzers out and everything." Phil played along.

"Oh, cool. Where did you guys go?" Robert asked. 

Phil's adams apple had that that familiar dropping sensation.

"It was some italian restaurant, I forgot the name of it." 

Robert raised an eyebrow as his eyes bounced in between the two boys in front of them. He glanced at Dan's black jumper, which had a small dab of what looked like a clear fluid on the bottom. He could only compare it to glue.  
He also noted how large the jumper seemed to make him appear.

"Well, it looks like Dan had a decent plate." Robert laughed, the two boys played along and forced a halfhearted chuckle.

"So where did Martyn and Cornelia go?" Phil asked to change the subject.

"Those two party animals went off to bed. The bus is expected to be repaired by tomorrow at 7, so heads up." 

Phil immediately grabbed his phone and set an alarm. Dan copied his actions.

"Ah, we'd better head off to bed as well. Let's meet in the lobby tomorrow morning." Phil quickly started side-stepping away.

Dan followed the darker haired man and inspected the hem of his jumper, noticing the small dab of gel at the bottom. He licked his finger and tried to scrub it off with his fingernail, careful so as to not pick a seam.

 

Phil quickly inserted the card into the door lock and allowed Dan in front of him. Dan saluted, walking through the door and flopping on the bed.

"You know, flopping down on the bed like that probably isn't healthy." Phil commented as he pulled off his shirt.

"The way you flopped me down on the bed last week tells a different story." 

Phil's mouth almost opened to display shock, but he realized that would give Dan too much credit. He continued preparing for bed, carelessly unbuttoning his jeans and tossing them in the corner.  
Phil's undress flicked Dan's hormone switch.  
And he probably broke the knob.

Dan, albeit wobbly, stood up and peeled off his jeans. He subsequently removed his shirt like a stripper as he crossed his arms and tossed it aside with a pinch. Phil watched as he moved the curtains until the gap allowing moonlight to flood the room was completely closed.  
Phil turned off the dim lamp in the corner and climbed into bed, suddenly realizing how hard the pillows were.

Much like himself.

Dan rolled in bed and immediately stroked Phil's cheek with an alluring hand, tracing shapes onto his bare skin as his fingers moved down into a southern region. Phil's heart picked up speed, failing to supply blood to his brain as it all followed Dan's fingers.

"You're hot when you're flustered." Dan spoke quietly, slipping a tantalizing hand into Phil's boxers.

Phil moaned under his breath and ran a hand down Dan's back, returning the favor with another quick hand entering the undergarments of his partner in iniquity.

"Please put your fish in my hypothetical tuna tunnel." Dan pleaded through a whimper.

"I thought you wanted to keep that exit only?" Phil asked, smirking.

"Don't listen to the shit I say, Phil. I need some of that dank meat in my anal retreat." 

Phil was about to whip out the big Lester before he questioned himself. Is sex okay right now? He felt that it was too embarrassing to ask Melissa at the appointment.  
He didn't want to let Dan down, but he didn't want to poke the child. What would sex do in the fifth month? Was it harmful?  
This was something Phil felt odd about. He wanted to make sure it was safe before he actually went through with it. 

"This bed sounds a bit squeaky. We should wait until we are in a better hotel." Phil suggested, still trying to keep his voice calm and quiet.

"I don't care if the bed is squeaking, the room below us can get jealous because they don't have any of this dick." Dan pouted.

"Tomorrow."

"Please Ph-"

"Tomorrow." Phil reiterated. 

Dan sighed and complied with Phil's orders. 

Phil thought it would give him enough time to research. They exchanged a passionate goodnight kiss, which Dan lead into third base, before each of them drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHTY MY FAVORITE HOMIE HOES WE GOTTA THINK OF SOME GOOD NAMES
> 
> I wanted to make this chapter longer but I was afraid my parental unit was gonna walk in so I had to blast.  
> I promise I'll make up for it in the next chapter!


	24. Vegas Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE SMUTTY GRAND FINALE MOTHERFUCKERS

**Las Vegas, Nevada. June 11, 2016.**

Dan and Phil had travelled abroad and successfully made it to Vegas for Dan's birthday. Albeit, the journey hadn't gone smoothly considering Dan's all-black-long-sleeved attire had caused him a bit of trouble in Texas.  
In Houston, the british duo decided to visit a food truck in a small isolated town. The line was longer than a Fall Out Boy song title and it was hotter than blue blazes.   
Dan firmly believed that he continue wearing black hoodies and sweaters, as opposed to Phil's suggestion of 'at least wearing something white' because he was 'definitely going to get heat stroke'.  
Thirty minutes into waiting for a goddamn burrito, Dan blacked out and gained the attention of every overly-polite Texan that offered help. At least seven men in their 50's had offered to call an ambulance, while all of the women fanned him and poured water over his head. (Some younger women were caught off guard by his charming looks.)  
Thankfully, Dan regained consciousness and returned to the tour bus where he stuck his head in the sink and drenched his fringe in icy cold water. He returned to Phil having wrapped his head in a towel hat. _"I thought my mum was the only one who could do that."_ Was Phil's only response.

 

Now they both sat in a Las Vegas hotel room waiting for Cat to arrive.

"Should we tell her?" Dan asked, attempting to clear his mind.

"We can tell her later. Let's not distract from your birthday." Phil insisted.

Dan couldn't argue. Explaining the situation had become tedious.

Phil's phone chimed with a text message from Cat.

_**I'm in the elevator!** ___

__"Our feline friend has arrived." Phil announced as he approached the door._ _

__He unlocked it and looked through the peephole to reveal a jazzed up Catrific standing at the door._ _

__"Hey you guys!" She chimed, hugging Phil. "And hey birthday boy!"_ _

__She stepped toward him and extended her arms. Dan stood up, hesitating to hug Cat due to the secret protruding from his midsection. He wrapped a single arm around her shoulder and quickly initiated conversation with the foolproof 'how are you'. Phil studied his facial expressions, noting the latent panic in Dan's eyes._ _

__"So, I was thinking we could go out to eat at a japanese restaurant. You in?" Phil asked._ _

__"Totally! Maybe we could go for some drinks afterward." Cat suggested._ _

__Dan bit his lip._ _

__"Sounds good!" Phil hesitantly answered.  
-_ _

__

___Four hours in, two more to go. It was now 9 PM, Phil and Cat had taken their fair share of shots.  
Cat was about a 5 on the drunk scale, whereas Phil remained an intermittent three as each hint of tequila slowly wore off.  
Dan had realized the contrast of being the only sober person in the room. He observed everyone else's slurs, removed inhibitions, and ostentatious comments to other people at the bar. Dan began to wonder if he was like this while in an inebriate state of mind._

__"Should we order another round of drinks?" Cat offered._ _

__"Eh, I've had enough." Phil refrained for Dan's sake._ _

__"Alrighty. I'm going to order another cocktail. Dan, are you sure you don't want anything?" She asked, summoning the waitress._ _

__Dan simply shook his head. Cat shrugged in response._ _

__"Why aren't you in the drinking mood tonight? Are you sick?" Cat knew it was odd for Dan to refuse alcohol._ _

__"I don't want to be hungover tomorrow." Dan explained, disregarding Cat's muddled facial expression._ _

__"He's got a point. I might of had too much to drink." Phil mentioned._ _

__Cat gawked at Phil._ _

__"You only had three shots! Come on, this isn't cheap tequila." Cat laughed._ _

__"I don't want to be hungover either! I was feeling a bit sick to begin with."_ _

__Cat frowned._ _

__"Are you okay?" She asked, supportively._ _

__"Just a headache."_ _

__

__**11:00** _ _

__'Too much to drink'._ _

___Phil regrettably ordered a too-good-to-be-true margarita and two mega fruit cocktails, prolonging their stay. Cat had still consumed more alcohol, but she may not have been quite as drunk.  
One thing that not many people knew about ye ol' Lester is his musical side when he was slightly intoxicated. Cat had only been shown his enlivened songs once at VidCon in 2014, unlike Dan who was far too familiar with his musical numbers.  
Phil's showtuney side had an unexpected exposition when he stood up and theatrically sang Can't Take My Eyes Off You in his self-proposed karaoke session. _

__Dan was about to suggest that they leave when Phil stood up and asked to speak to the manager, suburban mom style. He had quietly spoken so that nobody would hear him, vaguely mouthing the words "karaoke machine". The owner of the restaurant broke out the dusty singing machine and switched HDMI's on the giant flatscreen with no hesitation, willingly handing Phil the microphone. Cat cheered him on as he stood under a pink tinted light, catching attention from the nearby tables._ _

__"I'd like to de-dea-decate this song to my friends Damn and Captcha sitting at table four over there." Phil announced over the mic._ _

__Dan stared at him, wide eyed in utter disbelief._ _

__The manager pressed play on the machine._ _

__Phil's closed eyes slowly fluttered open as the song began._ _

___"You're just too good to be true..."_ Phil trailed his words as if he were practicing a rendition of Muse's cover of the song._ _

___"Can't take my eyes off you-hoo-hooo..."_ _ _

__Dan could tell he definitely was by the exaggerated vibrato._ _

___"You feel like heaven to touch, I want to hold you so much."_ Phil pointed at Dan and swayed his hips side to side. Cat squealed, gasping for air as she laughed and covered her mouth._ _

__Dan was speechless, and to much his surprise, in a good way. This was a great birthday present, it was hilarious. He pulled out his phone and began recording Phil's romantic serenade._ _

___"You're just too good to be true, I can't take my eyes off of you."_ Phil's voice dropped to be low and sensual._ _

__Cat immediately jumped up and grabbed the second microphone during the instrumental, hurriedly advancing towards her friend._ _

__She jumped next to him._ _

__"I love you baby, and if it's quite alright I need you baby-" Cat and Phil danced as they sang together._ _

__"DA NA DA NA DA NA NA NA NAA NA NA NA NA DA," Phil grabbed the microphone and strutted across the floor.  
-_ _

__

__"You are _so_ wasted!" Dan giggled as they walked through the door to their hotel room._ _

__"Am I really?" Phil asked, tossing his wallet on the table and unbuttoning his jeans with a sexy smirk._ _

__"You're star spangled hammered." Dan snickered as he pulled his shirt off._ _

__"I'm gonna star spangle hammer you into this bed." Phil murmured, pushing his lover onto the bed with a deep kiss._ _

__Dan supported himself with one hand and pulled the darker haired butt-buddy closer, colliding boners. A kiss glued them together as Phil gracefully wrapped an arm around Dan's back, rolling his hips and letting out a muffled moan. Dan's dick stood up taller than the both of them combined, poking his fiancé's thigh._ _

__"Mmm, I feel a little woody." He moaned._ _

__"There's a snake in my boot-y."_ _

__Phil slipped a gratifying tongue into Dan's mouth and thrusted his hips forward. He ravenously slipped Dan's pants off and moved a hand to Dan's dick._ _

__"Dan," Phil groaned, using his other hand to card through the brunet's hair. Dan replied with a faint hum, breathing heavily._ _

__"I know why your surname is Howell."_ _

__Dan was indifferent, continuing to buck his hips into Phil's_ _

__"It's testing me. Howell stands for how well, meaning how well can you do the dirty Dan."_ _

__"Call me that again, baby." He moaned._ _

__"You're Dirty Dan." Phil seductively moaned, flipping Dan over on his knees._ _

__Dick in one hand, lube in the other, Phil was ready to give his significant other some fervid sex._ _

__"Stick your pinhead Larry in my manhole." Dan demanded._ _

__"I'm gonna find Dory in your manly tuna tunnel." Phil retorted._ _

__"Fuck Dory, give me the nemo effect." Dan croaked._ _

__Phil neglected to reply and slipped a finger inside Dan's anus cave. Dan screamed like an angry bullfrog.  
Another finger was inserted, giving him a chance to adjust. _ _

__"Give me your schlong." Dan commanded, pulling Phil's waist closer._ _

__Phil was about to stick the pencil in the sharpener before it shot up in the air._ _

__"Dan, I've lost control of the big Lester."_ _

__"Houston we have a problem." Dan almost snapped his neck turning around, gaping at Phil's manhandle staring up at the sky like an imminent firework._ _

__It was like Phil vs Mantis, except this time the mantis was Phil's dick._ _

__He viscously pushed it down and stuck it in Dan like an emergency plug._ _

__"AGH." Dan yelled loudly, on the verge of an angry yodel. His voice reached what would only be described as the infamous Michael Jackson 'ow'._ _

__Phil thrusted in and out, rocking the bed. He was sure the headboard was about to bust through the next wall._ _

__"I'm close Phil, keep going!" Dan cried._ _

__This was a mission. A special mission for a special man._ _

__"KAME HA ME HA." Phil's husky voice captivated the room, giving Dan a bum blast of the century. His howling howell erupted like a volcano, spewing like a geyser upon the dark headboard._ _

__Phil pulled out and plopped himself on the bed beside Dan, resting with an arm behind his head._ _

__Their heavy breathing synced up, staring into each other's eyes without breaking contact. Dan lovingly stroked Phil's arm, unable to stop smiling. Phil scooted closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist._ _

__"This is the best birthday present I could have received." Dan huffed, planting a kiss on Phil's lips._ _

__"Happy birthday, D-slice."_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (was that too much oops)


	25. Showbiz

**June 23rd, 2016. Last TATINOF America show.**

_"About to preform on the same stage that Leo won an Oscar on! Maybe it will give me good luck so I don't fall off the stage."_ Phil tweeted. 

"How do I look? Is my hair okay? Does my shirt look too tight? Oh dear lord, I didn't bring my belt. How w-"

Phil shushed Dan and placed a hand on his cheek. 

"You look fine." He reassured Dan with a smile.

Dan and Phil could hear the audience chanting their names from the dressing room. It was definitely a full house. 

"Alright, enter stage in precisely six minutes." Dan said firmly.

"Last show!" Phil enthused.

That hit Dan harder than he had thought. It was the _last_ show. No more routinely mornings of waking up in a different state, not another day of exploring landmarks and marveling at nature, just finishing the show and taking a plane home. They wouldn't end each day with a crowd of people's beaming smiles and a torrent of people flooding through venue doors. They could plan on other shows in different countries- but it wouldn't be the same. 

Dan's thought process was halted by the familiar feeling of his eyes welling up and Phil's expression suddenly falling. 

"It's not the same, Phil!" Dan wailed.

Phil let Dan fall into his arms, offering solace with a hand patting his back. Dan's discreet hiccups were muffled into Phil's shoulder.

"Don't worry Dan! We will be home soon, and then you can lay in our bed without having to build a fort! Plus, we can eat whatever we want _when_ we want. And you will have a strong wifi connection!" Phil consoled.

Dan lifted his head and looked Phil in the eye as his face softened.

"We will have stronger wifi..." Dan stared at the floor, wiping his nose.

"See? It's not all that bad!" Phil cheered.

The stage manager walked in and peeped his head through the door.

"Not to interrupt, but I just got word that you should be on soon. Chop chop." He clapped.

That was their cue to skidoo.  
-

It goes without saying that Dan had immediately been snapped out of his last-show anguish by the excitement of the crowd. It went surprisingly well, contrary to their expectations. Phil firmly believed that them recording it would condone a wardrobe malfunction (nip slips were favored over rear end exposure) or another one of Phil's famous traits, clumsiness, to take over and make him trip and fall into the audience. He would have just played it off like a crowd surf.

They began the VIP and stood in front of the audience to take a selfie. Dan heard a few girls screaming behind him and waved before turning the corner.

 

20 people gone, at least ten more to go. Dan's legs were tired.

"Hi! How are you?" Phil asked, suddenly realizing he was enunciating his r's more prominently.

"Phil your accent is fading." Dan responded.

"You guys are rubbing off on me." Phil joked, smiling at the girl beside him.

"I guess it's fair. You guys rub off on us." 

That weighed in Dan's mind heavier than he thought it would.   
-

 

**June 24th.**

"Pack your bags, Danny. We've got to return to the homeland." Phil said in a nasal tone, trying to cheer up the tearful man in front of him.

"I think everything is packed. Did you grab the souvenir bag?" Dan asked, recollecting everything they had bought.

Phil crouched down and laid his suitcase on the floor to unzip it. He peered inside and felt around, touching a white plastic bag and pulling it upwards with the tip of his fingers to expose an end in between the zippers.

"Check." Phil chimed.

"Great. Let's go before I get nostalgic and start missing the bus or some shit." Dan stood up and grabbed his suitcase.

Phil began towards the door, hearing a faint grunt behind him. He turned around to see Dan sat on the bed.

"Do you need a moment to say goodbye?" Phil raised a brow.

"No. Give me a second, your daughter must have inherited your weird ass leg spasms." 

Phil rolled his eyes

 

The cab ride to the airport was semi silent aside from some obligatory furniture discussion.

"What color should her room be?" Phil asked, staring out the window.

"Black because it matches my soul." 

"Wow, emo in the making."

"Actually, we should have a theme. Walls have to match the crib and the blankets."

Phil squinted his eyes as pastel colors flipped through his mind.

"What if we did an animal theme? I think that's pretty cute."

Dan tilted his head and sighed.

"That's too vague."

He suddenly gasped.

"Okay, don't laugh, but I have an idea and it's 25% perfect." 

Phil's face lit up. 

"Hit me."

"Okay," Dan paused. "What if we did some pastel yellow with a bit of pink and green? And maybe some Winnie the Pooh themed items. Gotta stay on brand." 

Phil tried to envision the room he had described. Perhaps they could have furniture with a faint pink tint, and some yellow curtains to correlate? The green may not match anything. Unless, of course, he was trying to make a subtle hint that it should be Shrek themed.

"What about purple?" Phil suggested calmly.

"Purple? Purple goes with Winnie the Pooh. I like that." Dan nodded.

"I'll start looking for purple furniture."

 

Dan pressed send on a text message to his mum as they walked into the airport. He stared at the mass of people, suddenly feeling dizzy. The bustle turned into a blur, coming clearly in waves. His head spun and his vision slowly faded in and out,

"You okay?" Phil asked, placing a hand on Dan's back.

"I'm fine. I must have stood up too fast."

They proceeded to the seating area.

"Hey you two!" A disembodied voice was heard behind them.

Dan quickly spun around to see Tina scurrying towards them.

"Oh, hi. I didn't expect to see you here!" Dan laughed.

"Well, I didn't mean to fly down here so fast. I have some clients in LA that would like to meet up."

Dan and Phil nodded, beginning to feel like they had just encountered someone from school at the supermarket.

"Enough about me! How was the tour?" 

"It was nice. We sure are tired though!" Phil remarked. 

Tina observed Dan's face.

"You do look tired. Your face is a bit puffy, drink some water." 

Dan prodded at his cheeks. Were they really that puffy?

A voice was heard over the intercom requesting people to begin boarding the flight. 

"I better let you go. It was nice seeing you!" Tina waved.  
-

 

On the plane, Dan began to feel better. His dizzy spells were replaced with frequent yawning to make his ears pop at such a high altitude. Surprisingly, the plane was quiet. Usually he would pick up on strangers conversing, but the majority of passengers were fast asleep. Even Phil's eyelids were tempted to shut after such a still sound had pervaded the airplane. Dan had so many things to say, but he didn't want to disturb anyone around them. He hated to obstruct tranquility.  
Far too filled with boredom, Dan pulled up the notes on his phone with names and scanned over them. He had deleted the boys names when they had found out the gender, leaving behind a sporadic list of names to go along with either surname.  
One of the names caught his eye. He opened a new note and began typing.

_**what do u think of the name Verity?** _

He nudged Phil's shoulder and placed the phone in his hand.

Phil thought for a moment. He nodded and started typing a response.

_**that's beautiful. i really like that** _

Dan typed another message.

_**i'm settled on it hbu. any middle names??** _

Phil scratched his chin.

_**Verity it is. Charlotte might be pretty too** _

"Verity Charlotte Lester?" Dan asked, his voice just below a whisper.

"Verity Charlotte Lester." Phil confirmed.  
-

 

**London, United Kingdom. 8:00 PM**

Phil fiddled with his keys in his right hand as he grasped the handle of the suitcase in the other. He stuck his house key in the lock, hearing the most satisfying click he could have imagined coming from a cold doorknob.

They walked through the door and smelled the familiar scent of their home, letting it fill their lungs as they tossed their bags aside and ran through the house to check if everything was still intact.

Dan rolled onto the bed and sniffed his pillow.

Phil inspected each of his houseplants, paying close attention to Poe who had looked a bit shabby. Maybe he needed some water. The kitchen looked the same as when they had left. Martyn had gone to their house to water a few plants and take some of their belongings home, which Phil greatly appreciated. After close inspection, they settled on having dinner. Sleep was out of the question, culprit behind jet lag.

Despite Dan's tears, he was glad to be home.

America couldn't compare to his fluffy mattress.


	26. Wisdom Teeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (((((tatinof documentary can u hear me screaming)))))

That was it.

TATINOF America was complete.

It was reminiscent of the UK tour; _one hell of a ride_. All of their hard work had paid off in a way that was much more rewarding than money. Walking onto a stage, thousands of people traveling far across states to meet them, being faced with smiles more luminous than the sun itself. America was much more than IHOP and circular power outlets, it was part of another continent that was filled with those who cared. The people they had met had all gathered to be in what was like a second home, amassing to meet strangers that felt like family.  
Dan and Phil had been back in London for a month now, landing in the dead end of July.   
The first week of being home was ironically a culture shock. They mistakenly pulled american dollars from their wallets on many occasions, which Phil had said was "such a sacrilege to the Queen".  
Pastel purple furniture was purchased and placed in Dan's room alongside a set of Winnie the Pooh books awaiting to be read. One half of Dan's room had been transformed into a child's bedroom, leaving Phil's to be the designated sleeping area. Packets of redundant Ikea screws were strewn across the floor, disregarded by both of the boys until someone risked impaling their foot with a stainless steel tool of demise.  
Oh, and Dan- he now stood being 8 months.

"Phil!" Dan hollered.

The sound of heavy footsteps could be heard like a feral walrus flopping down the stairs.

"What's wrong?" Phil's frantic voice was heard from around the corner.

"Heating pad."

This was Phil's cue to run at the speed of sound and retrieve Dan's back pain relief.

He dashed into the bedroom, returning quicker than expected. 

"Lift up," Phil instructed, sliding the pad in between Dan and the sofa. 

"Thanks."

"You scared me! I thought something happened." Phil breathed heavily.

"Do you want to switch places and be in my shoes?" 

Silence fell between them.

"That's what I thought." Dan stated.

Phil collapsed on the sofa next to Dan with a sigh. He kicked his feet up on the coffee table.

"Someone has a wisdom tooth removal tomorrow." Dan mentioned in a singsong voice.

"You say that as if I'm afraid." 

"And that would imply that you _are_ afraid?"

Phil crossed his arms and huffed.

"No! It won't even hurt. I'll be the calmest patient they have had." He pledged. 

Dan stared at Phil.

"Calmes-"

"Phil, you know it's going to hurt like Satan's fiery finger is drilling into your gums. Admit it."

"Maybe." Phil stepped down from his courageous quest.

Dan embraced Phil with a single arm, pulling him into a kiss.

"Aww, babe you're going to do fine. I will be right there with you the whole way." Dan promised.

Phil rested his head on Dan's shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist. Dan was practically radiating heat, which Phil concluded was the pad behind him. He laced their fingers together, stroking a gentle thumb across the soft skin of Dan's hand.  
There they lay, cuddling in it's purest form. Occasional thumps could be felt through the fabric of Dan's shirt. Phil was still stunned by how fast time had flown, recalling the times where Dan cried in his room, infuriated by what the doctor had just told them. It was odd to think that Dan eight months ago was still the Dan sat next to him. He completely changed from refusing to call their child a person, to suddenly becoming an imminent parent. Phil was grateful that Dan's mindset had been altered. Phil was grateful for his fiancé anyway. Where would they be without each other?

"What do you want for dinner?" Dan asked, sitting up from his slumped position.

"Doesn't matter," Phil rubbed his eyes, "What do you want?" 

"I'll make tacos." 

"Sounds good, considering it is the LAST MEAL I WILL CONSUME." Phil said intensely.

"Oh shut up you silly goose."

"They said no food eight hours before I get my teeth ripped from my mouth." Phil reminded him.

"And you have to be there in twelve. So come quickly, your time is ticking." 

Phil was excited for some dank tacos. (Which were quite literally dank. The seasoning required adding water.)  
-

**July 31st, 2016. The last day Phil's wisdom teeth were intact.**

 

Phil had a lovely morning as Dan sprayed cold water on his face while he still laid in bed.

"What the hell Dan? This isn't a catholic baptism." 

"I just figured since you can't have coffee, some icy water may wake you up." Dan said with a cheeky grin.

Phil pulled the covers over his head.

Dan yanked them off.

"C'mon Phildo! You can do it!" Dan encouraged.

"Fine."

Phil unsteadily rolled out of bed, stabilizing himself on the wall and wiping off the droplets of his rude awakening. Sleeping late to make up for the jet lag was probably a bad idea.  
-

 

Dan suddenly whacked his phone out, filming Phil.

"Okay, we're in a taxi, and Phil is about to get dentures." Dan said to the camera, waving.

"I hate you." Phil groaned.

"I'm a great friend!" Dan smiled with a thumbs up.

_"Ha, friend."_ He thought to himself.

The vehicle halted to a stop and Dan paid the driver, leading Phil as he stepped out of the car.

"Are you ready?"

Phil didn't answer.

They strolled into the office and met the receptionist, who said Phil was "right on time" and could "head right into the dentist's office".

The dentist gave him a sufficient amount of drugs and allowed him to clear his mind of any fear.  
-

 

Phil was sitting in a cold chair, awaiting a stranger to extract his teeth. He felt higher than Snoop Dogg.

"Did they give me novocaine?" Phil slurred.

"I wasn't in the room when he gave you medication." Dan replied, giggling and pulling his phone out.

He pressed record.

"Tellll me that I won't feel a thing so give me novo-" 

Dan snorted.

"Phil, your cover of Green Day is so good! You should be a professional singer." Dan joked, pausing his recording.

Phil shook his head and laughed with a tongue poking from between his teeth.

"Will my mouth hurt?" 

"Here comes the dentist. Ask him."

A tall man walked through the door holding dental tools that resembled torture devices.

"This won't hurt a bit."   
-

Phil was awake the entire time. He occasionally closed his eyes when something sharp came visibly near his face, but he could barely feel a thing. The only sensation he could make out was pressure on his jaw.

They pushed him out in a wheelchair, revealing Phil with cotton in his mouth and eyes barely open.

"What's the verdict?" Dan asked.

"He did fine. Take him home and allow him to rest." 

 

In the taxi, Phil fell asleep twice. 

Dan playfully tapped Phil's cheek, filming with his left hand.

"Whafiffoingodn." Phil muffled through the cotton.

"How are you feeling?" Dan asked, ruffling Phil's hair.

Phil nodded his head.

"How would you rate this dentist experience?" 

Phil lifted his jazz hands, completely letting his hands loose.

"Are you tired?" 

"Yef." 

-

Phil used Dan as support as he wobbled up the stairs, firmly grasping his arm.

"Bed or couch?" Dan asked.

"Bed."

Dan guided him towards the bedroom door, letting him hobble his ass on top of the mattress. Phil rolled back into his comfortable cushion, spreading his arms out to stretch. He pulled the cotton balls from in between his teeth and tossed them across the room.

"Phil! Your mouth blood is going to stain the carpet!" Dan whined, quickly retrieving the bloody cotton from their floor.

"Lay with me." Phil commanded.

"Are you sure you don't want to sleep?" Dan asked.

"You make me sleep, now get over here." 

Dan's face softened, tossing cotton in the bin. He slid into bed next to Phil.

"Thank you." Phil mumbled, facing Dan.

His arm draped over Dan, softly stroking his back. Dan kissed his forehead in response, pulling the duvet over Phil's shoulder.

"Goodnight." Dan spoke quietly.

"But it's daytime." Phil stated.

"Not for you. Now sleep."

"You're like my bossy wife. Good mornight." 

Dan waited until Phil was peacefully resting to unobtrusively slide out of the bed. He tip-toed out of Phil's bedroom and sauntered to the kitchen, checking for frozen peas in the freezer.

Taking care of Phil was going to be his pre-Verity practice.


	27. Blame Phil (here comes the sun)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was HIGHLY DEBATING A CHAPTER IN BETWEEN THIS ONE AND THE LAST ONE  
> but i settled on just cutting straight to the chase  
> (i almost said straight to the cheese)  
> (it's 2 AM and my boyfriend & i have been on the phone for three hours discussing the pronunciation of pecan i'm sorry)

**Friday, August 12. 9:00 PM**

"Are you sure you don't want anything? I don't plan on pausing it if you suddenly crave spaghetti." Phil yelled from the kitchen.

"I'm sure, now get your ass over here so we can watch Game of Thrones."

Phil returned to the living room with an armful of snacks. He primarily chose crisps, seeing as his mouth pain had finally subsided and he could eat whatever he desired.  
He dropped a bag into Dan's lap and sat down beside him to eagerly open his healthy dinner. Phil looked over at his fiancé who had already busted into the bag. Dan had totally popped, and it was obvious. He looked like someone's Italian father. Standing up without wobbling was a talent these days, especially when trying to get out of bed. 

"Press play." Dan ordered, attempting to reach for the remote.

Phil grabbed the remote and tossed it in the air, causing it to spin twice and land on the floor.

"You dingus, the remote is probably broken now." Dan chastised.

Phil shook his head and reached down to grab it, checking for any batteries that could have possibly just fallen out.

"Fuck." Dan whimpered under his breath.

Phil looked up to see Dan clutching his stomach, wincing in pain.

"You alright?" 

Dan breathed in through his teeth.

"I'm fine. That was just a _really_ hard kick." 

The two looked each other in the eyes for a solid ten seconds before slowly gazing at the floor.

"Do you think it meant anything? Didn't Dr. Elson say contractions felt something like that?" Phil asked.

"Trust me," Dan flicked his hand back, rolling his eyes. "I would know if it was a contraction."

"Whatever you say. Your due date is in two days."

"Tell me something I don't know." Dan sighed.

Phil realized he was still bent over inspecting the remote. He sat up, holding it above his head.

"The remote isn't broken." He complacently announced.

Dan folded his arms. 

"Good, now use it to press play. And don't toss it this time."  
-

 

One and a half episodes later, Dan and Phil had fallen asleep piled on top of each other. Phil's arm hung off the edge of the sofa and rested on the floor, using Dan as a human footrest. Dan fell into a sturdy snooze, resting on the pillow he had brought from the bedroom. The TV continued playing episodes until one of the boys inevitably woke up and shut it off. Each bag of crisps had been half eaten and left open on the coffee table.

Dan was abruptly jolted awake with an unbearable pain originating in his abdomen. He grimaced, tightly grasping the pillow as if he were holding on for dear life and gently rocked forwards and backwards.

The pain slowly diminished, allowing him to breathe again.

He considered waking Phil. Was it really worth it? 

Nah.

 

Dan carefully stood up, pushing his bodyweight with both arms and supporting himself on the edge of the sofa. He roamed into the kitchen, staring ambivalently at the food choices that were neglected on the counter.  
Maybe there was something better in the fridg-

"MOTHER OF GOD HOLY SHIT," Dan violently yelled, hitting the refrigerator to ease the pain.

As much as he dreaded to admit, these weren't normal.

Suddenly he felt something dripping down his leg. He gazed below, gasping at the wet stain on his sweatpants. There was now a small puddle of bodily fluid accumulating on the floor. Nice.

"PHIL!" Dan yelled, all of a sudden not giving two shits if the neighbors heard his blood curdling screams.

Phil still remained in a peaceful slumber, blissfully unaware of Dan's agony.

"WILDCATS GO. PHIL WAKE UP."

Phil's eyes slowly opened, unlike his ears. He could hear a faint shouting, but he never registered it as Dan in immense pain. He stood up and wandered into the kitchen, only for his eyes to fall on Dan's crotch.

"Did you wet yourself?" He asked, disregarding Dan's scowl.

"No Phil, I think my water just broke." 

Phil gaped at the stain on Dan's sweatpants, widening his eyes like Steve Harvey.

"I don't even want to _know_ what orifice that came from." 

Dan groaned loudly, putting both hands on Phil's shoulders.

"Who gives a shit Phil!" He yelled into his face.

Phil shook his head, slapping himself to wake up. He rubbed his eyes and stared at Dan's blurry face, suddenly realizing he didn't have his glasses on.

"What are we going to do?" Phil asked frantically.

"I have to go to the fucking hospital, what do you think?" 

"Okay, okay, calm down. Should I put clothes on or-"

Dan flicked Phil in the center of his forehead.

"Are you wearing pants?" Dan asked.

Phil looked down at his pajama bottoms.

"Yes."

"Do you have a shirt on?" 

Phil stared at him, blinking to clear his vision.

"Yes."

"Then you don't need to put goddamn clothes on." 

Phil nodded, running like naruto to grab his glasses from the bedside table. He snatched his phone up, dialing the number to call a taxi. Thankfully, the driver said he would arrive in five minutes.  
Now, Phil's intense emergency mode had been activated. He grabbed the bag of newborn clothes, his wallet, and hastily shoved his phone into his pocket. 

When he returned to the kitchen, Dan was on the floor.

Phil sat and stared at him for a moment, apprehensively scratching his head.

_"How the flying fuck will I get him off of the floor."_

Could he even stay on his feet?

"Okay Dan, you've gotta stand up." Phil requested, extending his hand.

Dan had tears in his eyes.

"I've fallen and I can't get up."

Phil knew that Dan was half of his weight heavier than before. Picking him up was a joke.

"Press your Life Alert, we have a hospital to visit." Phil stated, dragging Dan closer to the counter.

Dan grabbed ahold of Phil's hand, strenuously pulling himself up.

"I called for a taxi, lets go." Phil said quickly, charging for the door.

Phil stopped in his tracks when no footsteps could be heard behind him. 

Phil turned around and saw Dan pressing his forehead against the wall.

"What are you doing? Come on!"

Dan wiped his eyes, inhaling heavily. Phil stifled his thoughts of how much it sounded like Chewbacca.

"I'm scared Phil. I don't want them to c-cut me open!" Dan wailed.

Phil dropped his bags, sighing loudly. He walked over to Dan and placed a hand on his back.

"You've got to do this Dan. You can't just postpone this until another day. Come on, it will be over soon." Phil comforted Dan, trying to guide him towards the stairs.

Dan took that as a 'thousands of people do this daily, so stop being a pussy' notion.  
-

Finally in the taxi, Phil had notified their families and Dr. Elson.  
Each contraction made Dan spew out venom that he would probably regret later.

"FUCK YOU PHIL," Dan screamed.

"What did I do?" Phil asked defensively.

"This is your fault because you don't know how to use a fu-FUCKING condom." 

Phil just continued to silently rub Dan's back.

Dan's tension slowly began to release. He let out a long breath, turning to face Phil.

"Thank you for putting up with my bullshit."

Phil kissed his cheek, throwing an arm around Dan's shoulder.

"Thank me later."

 

When they finally entered the hospital, Dr. Elson was at the front door with a wheelchair.

"I figured he couldn't walk properly." He shrugged, sliding it towards Phil.

They briskly pushed him into a private room, regretfully noting how much attention they had already received. Dan was transferred to a bed surrounded by equipment where he could comfortably rest in his four minutes of freedom. Phil sat down in the chair next to him, grabbing Dan's hand softly.

"Maybe if you think of Verity you will be excited, then it won't hurt as bad." Phil suggested.

Dan put an arm behind his head, beginning to laugh under his breath.

"I would have never imagined myself in this situation." 

"Me neither." Phil agreed.

They exchanged glances, but otherwise waiting in fear of another menacing contraction.

Karina entered the room holding a light pink gown, pursing her lips.

Dan stared at her blankly.

"Listen, I tried to get something that didn't look like elderly lingerie. This was all we had for c-sections." She apologized, setting it in Dan's hand.

"To be fair, at least you tried." He admitted, watching Karina leave the room so he could change. 

With Phil's assistance, Dan removed his clothing and slipped on the most mortifying outfit he would ever lay hands on. He decided not to check his appearance in any reflective surface, praying that they didn't have a mirror hung in the room.

Phil continued holding Dan's hand until a more painful contraction hit. The pulverizing force of Dan squeezing his hand felt like it would cut off his circulation.

"Do you think they will give you an epidural?" Phil quietly squeaked, flapping his hand to regain feeling.

"God I hope so."

Dr. Elson opened the door with a tray of equipment, setting it on a bench beside Phil.

"Drug me." Dan commanded.

"I don't think we can give you an epidural just yet." 

Before Dr. Elson could turn around, Dan grabbed the collar of his shirt.

"Listen to me right now, and make sure that I'm clear. I am in the most excruciating, testicle crushing pain that you could ever fathom. I don't know how long you expect me to hold up like this without medication, but I intend on getting some pain relief before the next spasm of demise ruptures my spleen. Let me reiterate: give me fucking drugs, and for the love of all that is holy, make it quick." Dan threatened with the most intimidating tone of voice that Phil had heard in a long time.

Dr. Elson nodded and turned to Phil, friendly slapping his back as he escorted him out of the room. He looked back through the small window to ensure nobody was listening.

"He is clearly about to kick someone's ass." He whispered to Phil.

Phil nodded vigorously.

"When can you give him the epidural? Knowing Dan, he will only get worse before he bursts into tears." 

Dr. Elson leaned against the wall and tapped his knee, pondering.

"Here's the thing, I nor Karina have performed a c-section before. Plus, Dan's body isn't built the same as a woman's, which makes the situation even more tricky. We're just debating on whether or not we should have someone else do it. Until that decision is made, we can't give him an epidural." He explained, sounding half as stressed as Phil.

Phil frowned and furrowed his brow.

"Who has the most experience?" 

"I do."

"Then why can't you do it?" Phil asked, staring into his eyes.

Dr. Elson shook his head and looked down.

"To be honest, I'm not confident that I can do it correctly on him. Sure, I've been in the room and watched people do c-sections, and I learned how to in med school, but I've never actually made incisions. Especially not on a person who may have other vital organs in the way." He admitted, sounding reluctant.

Phil struck his head against the wall, putting his hands behind his head. The thoughts running through his mind were a pain.

A cursing Dan was heard inside the door.

Phil looked up at Dr. Elson.

"I guess we have no other choice. You and Karina can do it, I'll help." Phil offered.

Dr. Elson stared at him vacantly.

"Phil, are you sure that this is something you are willing to put us up to?" 

"I feel like my brain would have come up with a horrible insinuation by now. Come on, the sooner this is over, the better." 

Dr. Elson hesitantly grabbed the door handle.  
-

**12:35 AM, August 13th.**

Dan had finally been administered an epidural, lessening his screams just enough to give everyone in the room a peaceful migrane. Against Dan's protest, they had to shave around his nether bush. For some reason, Phil found that to be the most disturbing out of everything they were about to endure. All three of them had put on masks and gathered around the hospital bed, trying to disguise a c-section guide with a sheet. Dan was nearly out of it and was barely coherent.

Meanwhile, they were all clueless.

"This is where I need to make the incision. If I don't go incredibly deep, surely we will be fine." 

"I agree. Phil, thoughts?" Karina asked.

_"Holy shit I'm not a doctor what the fuc-"_

"Let's go for it." Phil said out loud, trying to erase his thoughts.

As Dr. Elson unsheathed his scalpel, it dawned on Phil that neither of them would have ever thought this situation could be so life threatening. What if he accidentally cut a vital organ? Nothing else should be that low. But didn't they say that the baby would push organs around? Phil's mind was racing again.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by a rejoicing Karina.

"Perfect! I see where we need to make the next incision. Dan, how are you holding up?" 

A lethargic thumbs up was seen over the tent of sheets they had built, shielding Dan from looking at what was going on below the nipples.

Before they began to cut into anything, Phil walked around to see Dan.

There were beads of sweat on his otherwise pale face as his cheeks flushed pink. Dan's eyes were just barely closed, widening at the sight of Phil.

"Hey." Phil smiled, grabbing Dan's weak hand in both of his own.

Dan tried to smile and reply.

"I'm so glad I got an epidural." He managed to croak.

Karina peered over and spoke to Dan.

"Here she comes! You are going to feel a bit of pressure, don't be alarmed." 

"Commence child removal." Phil announced.

Dan braced himself, tightening his grip on Phil's hand and squeezing his eyes shut. Phil contemplated looking over, figuring it wouldn't be that bad.

He was wrong.

Phil hit the floor, fainting at the grotesque image of a sliced body.

To Dan's surprise, nobody was alarmed at the sight of Phil's unconscious body on the ground.

"Uh, is he going to get up?" Dan asked.

"Typical male. They always get back up." Karina dismissed, tapping Phil's leg with her foot.

Phil's eyes slowly opened, quickly regaining his composure and standing up. He looked over just enough to see Dr. Elson lifting something. (Disappointingly, not while singing the Lion King theme.)

Suddenly the sound of a baby crying was heard.

Phil joyously looked at the man laying beside him, seeing Dan's face immediately light up.

"Congratulations! It's a girl." Karina squealed, quickly wrapping the baby in a blanket and bringing her between Dan and Phil.

Dan stared in awe at his daughter, not realizing that his tear ducts were letting out a cascade. He reached out to hold her, but quickly retracted his hands when he realized how shaken he was.  
He shot Phil a nod of assurance and he extended his arms, astounded at the child he was holding. For the first time in months, Phil began to cry. It wasn't from any sense of sadness, anxiety, or even fear. He was overjoyed, and ultimately amazed.

"I'll take her to go get cleaned up." Karina smiled, carefully taking the baby from his arms and into another room.

Dr. Elson was still standing at the other end of the bench.

"I'm just doing some dissolvable stitches. This might take a while, so if you'd like, go grab a bite to eat from the cafeteria." He advised, his eyes not going astray from the stitching.

Phil nodded and returned to Dan, who was now visibly asleep. He decided not to wake him.  
-

Phil always found hospitals to be quite eerie, but walking down these echoing hallways gave no fearful impression. He felt his phone buzz through the soft pockets of his pajama pants.

**From: Karen Howell**   
_We are on our way! 10 mins from hospital...wait for us._

Phil was perplexed that Dan's family had just now decided to come. 

At least they didn't witness the removal of a child, which was horrific to say at the least.

He continued down the corridor and spotted a room labeled 'cafeteria'. After the aforementioned sight, he wasn't exactly hungry. Phil decided to wait outside for Dan's family.

 

The building was pleasantly quiet, allowing him to hum down the halls. Conveniently, Newborn by Muse was stuck in his head. He didn't need to question that. When he arrived in the lobby, the receptionist was fast asleep with her head on the desk.

_What time is it?"_ Phil thought to himself.

He checked the time on his phone.

**1:15 AM**

On any normal day, Dan and Phil would still be awake at this time. However, they never would have guessed that this would be the cause.

Phil wandered out the door to see a familiar family making their way towards the hospital. It was none other than Dan's parents and Adrian.

"Hell of a night." Was Phil's greeting upon seeing Dan's mum.

"I can imagine! How is he doing?" She asked, unclear of what emotion to feel. 

"Last I checked, they were stitching him up and he was sleeping. I haven't gotten any updates on the baby yet." Phil answered.

She nodded and they began to walk inside, continuing the conversation quietly.

-

Adrian and Dan's father decided to eat before they saw Dan, allowing Phil and Karen to see him awake first.

They quietly walked into his room to see Dan already awake and on his phone.

Of course.

"Look who came to see you!" Phil exclaimed as he entered.

"Mum!" Dan cried, resting his phone on his chest and reaching out to hug her.

"How are you doing?"

"I just gave birth, apparently." Dan said, widening his eyes.

"How'd it go?" His mum asked, removing her purse and clutching it with excitement.

"It was kind of like that scene in Alien but more civil." Dan replied.

Phil piped up.

"Do you hurt at all?" He asked.

Dan twisted a bit, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Without a doubt."

Phil suddenly stood up and left the room with a concise 'be right back'. Dan's mum set her purse down and scooted over to stand closer to her son, running a shaky hand through his sweaty hair.

"Phil said you had a name picked out already." 

Dan nodded.

"Verity Charlotte Lester." 

She smiled, rubbing her eyes. Everyone seemed to be crying tonight.

"I can't believe you went on that whole tour while you were pregnant. You're totally grounded." She joked.

"Oops."  
-

Phil returned in the room with Karina, except this time, he was holding a bundle of blankets with something in-between. Karina had a binder in her hands, presumably withholding legal documents and hospital papers.

"Alright Mr. Mum, would you like to hold your daughter?" Phil asked.

Dan sat up and held out his arms. Phil gently placed her on Dan's chest, supporting her legs with his palm.

Dan softly stroked her cheek, cooing little 'hey there's and 'how are you's. They both stared at her face, easily making out that she had Phil's eyes and Dan's nose. Karina tapped Phil's shoulder, bringing him towards a table where she laid the binder down.

"Here is her birth certificate. Fill this out, and I will sort some of these mundane bills and information." She instructed.

"I'll go get Adrian and your father." Dan's mum announced.

Phil grabbed the birth certificate and brought it to Dan, allowing him to pen his name.

Dan returned the paper and pen to Phil for him to write his name and fill out their daughter's information, considering the fact that Dan's handwriting was barely legible.  
 **Certificate of Birth**  
 _Verity Charlotte Lester. Born August 13, 2016 at 12:53 AM. 7 lbs 12 oz._

Phil placed it back on the table and continued reading through some of the papers he had been given, some of which instructing how to care for a child. He flipped through the pages and briefly scanned through the information.

"They said I have to stay for the next 48 hours." Dan mentioned, looking up at Phil.

Phil turned around, setting the papers down.

"I'll stay here with you."   
-

 

Karen returned with her remaining family members, allowing everyone to take a gander at Verity for the first time.

"Those are definitely Phil's eyes." Adrian stated.

"You could go swimming in those eyes." Dan said, winking at Phil.

Dan's father was quiet about the whole situation, uncertain of how to react. He hesitantly walked towards them, and Dan spotted a grin beginning to form on his father's face.

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Hi." Dan said, trying to think of what to say.

"I'm proud of you, Dan. Don't think that I feel any different." His father stated wholeheartedly.

 

And in that moment, in spite of the last few tedious months, Dan felt fully at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is not the end of the fic, if you were thinking that. ;)


	28. Forever After- The Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (((((should I do an author's note tomorrow bc this fic ending is making me v emo)))))

**August 25th, 2016.**

Verity had easily adjusted to her new home. She was rarely fussy, which was a great relief to Dan who felt incapable of being a parent. Rest assured, he and Phil tackled that whole 'caring for a child' thing with a whole new sense of confidence that they never knew either of them had. The first few nights were definitely the hardest, especially when Dan was still in recovery. He was offered the opportunity for a hysterectomy, but declined when he decided that he should wait for the c-section scars to heal. 

Dan was now say in the lounge holding their daughter who was dressed in a light blue and white striped onesie, balancing a bottle in her mouth. When he was with Verity, there was nothing else that he would rather do than admire her. In fact, he felt obligated to watch her like a hawk. He felt like if he turned around something would happen and he would miss it, otherwise he would just miss a moment marveling at her beauty. She had her own little quirks; every time she was excited, her left foot would fly straight up in the air. When she was tired, she would grab Phil's fingers. And of course, Dan's camera roll was nothing but pictures of her.

Not only was she beautiful and quirky like her parents, but she had an uncanny resemblance to each of them in distinct ways. Her hair was light brown, and her eyes were the impeccably exact color and shape of Phil's. She also shared Phil's lips, having a prominent Cupid's Bow. Every proportion-wise aspect of her face was a splitting image of Dan, especially her nose, which was very tiny. When she smiled, her face scrunched up like Dan's.

Phil now had a list of nicknames that he addressed Dan by. Some of his favorites were Dan the Dad, He-Mum, Birth Giver, Verity's Validater, and of course: D-Slice. Dan was no longer pestered by the Lester's terms of endearment. He just began to write it down in a scrapbook, one that he would embarrass Phil with in their elder years.

But I digress.

-

Phil entered the room with his laptop and sat next to Dan.

"How's Vee this morning?" Phil asked, 

"She's playful. Watch this." Dan bit his lip and grinned.

He poked Verity's finger gently, lifting her arm above her head. She quickly looked over at him and put both of her hands on his wrist, making a noise that Dan elaborated as giggling.

Phil managed a laugh through his underlying discomfort. He quickly turned the laptop to face himself, completely opposite of Dan. His eyes bounced between the screen and the floor.

"What are you on about?" Dan asked, repositioning so that he could steadily rock Verity in his arms.

"Just uh," Phil sulked into the sofa and crossed his arms, "an article I found." 

Dan's eyes enlarged and he raised a brow.

"What kind of article are we talking about?" He asked.

Phil shook his head, slowly turning the laptop around and revealing something from a recent newspaper. He pointed out a specific segment, highlighting an excerpt from the exposé.

_"In March, we confirmed that a speculated pregnant male had been roaming the streets of London. Last Tuesday, a local group of reporters successfully tracked down and identified this biological breach."_

Dan's jaw dropped. He looked away from the screen and stood up, walking out of the room and entering his own. 

"I don't even want to read the rest." He yelled to Phil from his bedroom.

He laid Verity down in her crib and returned to the lounge. Phil stared at him silently.

"Fuck it, what else does the article say?"

Phil began to read:

_“Although it may seem unbelievable, we have photographic evidence to prove this insane accusation. As per mention, a tall man of around 6 ft height and brown hair was exiting an abortion clinic with suspicious circumstances. A local physician, who has granted us permission to disclose the title 'Dr. Berkshire', did sufficient research to help accurately identify this strange man. Dan Howell, mononymously known as Danisnotonfire, is a worldwide internet sensation. Known for making self depreciating (yet very humorous) videos on YouTube, he is voluntarily under the spotlight. In April, he and his flatmate, Phil Lester, began their duo tour: The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire. With the help of long sleeved attire and oversized jumpers, he fooled us and shielded the secret hiding under his sweater. In the present time, we have no other information to offer due to his lack of reconciliation with Dr. Berkenshire.”_

Underneath the article, a slideshow of pictures taken over the last two months were displayed. 

"What are we going to do?" Phil said, resting his head in his hands.

Dan was about to speak, but he suddenly had a change of heart.

"We aren't going to do anything." Dan said flatly.

Phil looked up.

"What do you mean? Are we just going to ignore all of the publicity?" 

"We will just let it pass. Chances are, nobody will believe this guy. Those pictures could have been easily Photoshopped, in the eyes of our viewers." Dan explained.

Phil thought for a moment, realizing that Dan's epiphany made more sense than he originally thought.

"Maybe you're right. This will slide." Phil agreed.

"All we need to focus on is our family. Verity is our priority now." Dan added.

Phil nodded. 

"Exactly."

Dan scooted closer to the left and laid his head on Phil's chest, snuggling up to him. 

"How about we forget about the news and have a movie marathon?"  
-

**10:00 PM**

Dan was attempting to put Verity in bed, but she wouldn't close her eyes. If she knew that she was in a crib at night, the last thing she would do was sleep. It was the complete opposite during the day.  
Verity had become nocturnal.  
The only two ways Dan could tempt her to sleep was to A. put his old teddy bear in the crib, or B. sing to her. Tonight wasn't a bear night. She had finally shut her eyes, but as soon as her back hit the soft interior of her bed, they flew back open. Dan sighed and picked her back up, walking towards a chair and sitting down.  
He tried to lower his voice to be gentle as possible and began to sing.

_"Honey is for bees, silly bear_  
Besides, there's jelly beans everywhere  
It's not what it seems in the land of dreams  
Don't worry your head just go to sleep" 

Phil quietly entered the room with a coffee mug full of cereal before hearing Dan's soft voice charm the room. He tilted his head in admiration, leaning against the doorframe. 

Dan stopped singing when he heard a footstep behind him.

"Hey, I brought you some cereal." Phil whispered when Dan saw him, setting the mug on his desk. 

"Lullabye isn't working tonight." Dan yawned.

Phil tenderly scooped Verity from Dan's arms and sat down. Verity slowly began to curl her fingers around Phil's thumb.

"I have another song." Phil smiled.

Phil began to sing;

_"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road_  
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why  
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time 

_It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,  
I hope you had the time of your life."_


End file.
